Not a straw, she thought, going on up Bond Street to a shop where
they kept flowers for her when she gave a party. Elizabeth really
cared for her dog most
of all. The whole house this morning smelt of tar. Still, better poor
Grizzle than Miss Kilman; better distemper and tar and all the rest
of it than sitting mewed in a stuffy bedroom with a prayer book!
Better anything, she was inclined to say. But it might be only a
phase, as Richard said, such as all girls go through. It might be
falling in love. But why with Miss Kilman? Who had been badly treated
of course; one must make allowances for that, and Richard said she
was very able, had a really historical mind. Anyhow they were
inseparable, and Elizabeth, her own daughter, went to Communion; and
how she dressed, how she treated people who came to lunch she did not
care a bit, it being her experience that the religious ecstasy made
people callous (so did causes); dulled their feelings, for Miss
Kilman would do anything for the Russians, starved herself for the
Austrians, but in private inflicted positive torture, so insensitive
was she, dressed in a green mackintosh coat. Year in year out she
wore that coat; she perspired; she was never in the room five minutes
without making you feel her superiority, your inferiority; how poor
she was; how rich you were; how she lived in a slum without a cushion
or a bed or a rug or whatever it might be, all her soul rusted with
that grievance sticking in it, her dismissal from school during the
War&emdash;poor embittered unfortunate creature! For it was not her
one hated but the idea of her, which undoubtedly had gathered in to
itself a great deal that was not Miss Kilman; had become one of those
spectres with which one battles in the night; one of those spectres
who stand astride us and suck up half our life-blood, dominators and
tyrants; for no doubt with another throw of the dice, had the black
been uppermost and not the white, she would have loved Miss Kilman!
But not in this world. No.