There was an emptiness about the heart of life; an attic room.
Women must put off their rich apparel. At midday they must disrobe.
She pierced the
pincushion and laid her feathered yellow hat on the bed. The sheets
were clean, tight stretched in a broad white band from side to side.
Narrower and narrower would her bed be. The candle was half burnt
down and she had read deep in Baron Marbot’s Memoirs. She had read
late at night of the retreat from Moscow. For the House sat so long
that Richard insisted, after her illness, that she must sleep
undisturbed. And really she preferred to read of the retreat from
Moscow. He knew it. So the room was an attic; the bed narrow; and
lying there reading, for she slept badly, she could not dispel a
virginity preserved through childbirth which clung to her like a
sheet. Lovely in girlhood, suddenly there came a moment-for example
on the river beneath the woods at Clieveden-when, through some
contraction of this cold spirit, she had failed him. And then at
Constantinople, and again and again. She could see what she lacked.
It was not beauty; it was not mind. It was something central which
permeated; something warm which broke up surfaces and rippled the
cold contact of man and woman, or of women
together. For that she could dimly perceive. She resented it, had
a scruple picked up Heaven knows where, or, as she felt, sent by
Nature (who is invariably wise); yet she could not resist sometimes
yielding to the charm of a woman, not a girl, of a woman confessing,
as to her they often did, some scrape, some folly. And whether it was
pity, or their beauty, or that she was older, or some accident-like a
faint scent, or a violin next door (so strange is the power of sounds
at certain moments), she did undoubtedly then feel what men felt.
Only for a moment; but it was enough.