The Party

I knock on the door, the door opens, and I am in heaven. This is where I belong. The party is where I thrive. As I throw my jacket on the chair, I notice the mood and feel of the party. The lighting is dim, the music is blaring, and the people are everywhere. Awesome.

I am the social shark. I move around from guy to girl to guy again. Everyone loves me. Girls want me, and guys want to be me. I enter the conversation, and people look at me in awe. They know that I am the social force to be reckoned with. I enter a conversation, and then like the wind, I am gone, off to give my social graces to another lucky party-goer.

But wait, there she is. The goddess of my dreams is standing in her group of friends chatting up a typhoon. Gwen is radiant. The gods have truly blessed me tonight with this vision. Wait, she's giving me the first glance, a quick up-and-down. Now, she turns back to her friends. Okay, here comes the moment of truth, the second glance… Wait for it… Yes! There it is. She gave me the second glance. Ah yeah, I am the man. Now's the time for me to move in and make the kill.

"Hey! Who's cheap, scummy leather jacket is this?"

I look behind me at the moron who's trying to yell over the roaring music.

Damn.

Damn. Damn.

This worst of possible situations has come down on me on this blessed night of nights. Franco, the football lineman from Hell, is holding up my jacket. I look back at Gwen, and, damn, she's noticed the huge ape of a man making a scene. Now, I am screwed. Well, let's try to communicate with this monkey. Maybe hand-signals will work…

"Hey, Franco, that's my jacket." I yell.

"Nice picture, dweeb." belches Franco as he throws my driver's license at me. That overgrown chimpanzee! He was searching through my jacket. My jacket. I am blazing. I am going to eat this abomination for breakfast. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. Ready to take on the world, I whip around, and… standing behind me is my angel.

"Everyone has their bad picture days. Plus, they don't give you any time to prepare for it after waiting in line forever. You're Steve, right?" says Gwen.

I melt on the inside. My dream-made-flesh just spoke to me, let alone touched me. I am butter. She has melted me. Am I still standing? I feel like a pile of putty, ready to be molded in the hands of an artisan like her. Waiting for a response, I sputter something at her. Meaningless dribble, I am sure. I wait for her response, her blessing to me. I am dumbfounded.

The conversation continues about pictures and bad days. I just nod my head, and say what she wants to hear. Then suddenly conversation drops, she loses interest, there is silence, and she says, "Well, it's getting late. It was nice to meet you, Steve." No! Don't go! Think of something to say. Words leave me head. My head is empty. I am doomed.

Gwen turns around as one of her friends yells from across the room. "It's time to go." says her friend. Gwen turns around and heads off without even a good-bye kiss. Who does she think she's talking to? Get up and leave in the middle of conversation. I am not going to let her get away that easily. Grabbing my jacket, I leave the party.

Outside, Gwen and all of her friends are just sitting around chatting about "this" and "that," so I wait for my opening. As soon as she says bye to her last friend, I pounce.

"Oh hey, sorry I had to leave so quick in there." says Gwen. "My friends get in such a hurry sometimes. I had a good conversation with you. What are you up to now?"

Alright, Steve, here's the moment of truth. Think. What does a maiden like Gwen want to hear? I feel around in my jacket for inspiration.

Grabbing my fake ID, I think about going down to the West End where all the bars are, and say, "Well, I was thinking about going over to Smitty's or that Irish pub down in the West End. You want to come?"

"Oh," says Gwen, "that's cool. I think that I am just going to go home. It was nice to meet you." She then gets into her car, and leaves.

Slam. There it is. No luck for me. Boy, do I feel ditched. I had her in my hands, and I let her get away. Boy, am I a putz. I suck. Maybe that bar isn't such a bad idea. I'll go drown away a couple of sorrows.

Catching a cab, I make it over to Smitty's. I sit down. The barkeeper looks at me square in the eyes and knows that there is a problem. "Wanna a drink?" he says.

"Yup." I reply, and that starts it going.

Things are getting a little blurry now, and objects aren't staying where they are supposed to be. Plus, I am not feeling too good. I need to get home. I settle up with the barkeeper, and head out. Outside Smitty's, I realize that I need to get home fast, but how? What do you know, there is a cab in front of me. Nice. I am the man.

I get in and the cabby asks, "Where you going?"

"Home." I reply.

"Where's that?" says the cabby.

Not able to communicate where it is for sure, I reach into my pocket for something, and I give it to him.

"Mr. Redford?" says the cabby. "Your Robert Redford?! Wow, sir, I didn't realize that you were so young looking in person. Wow, I have Robert Redford in my car…"

Pulling up in front of a house that I have never seen before, (Robert Redford's apparently), I get enough common sense to realize where I am supposed to be, and tell the driver that there has been a mistake, and give him instructions to my place.

As I step out of the car in front of the house, I realize that tonight quite possibly is the worst night of my life. The beautiful girl has ditched me. So, I reach into my pocket for my house key.

Great, my life couldn't have gotten any worse. I left my keys in the house. All I have is this stupid condom. Great help this has been. How's this condom gonna get me in? Thinking back to my hoodlum days of my youth and when I use to terrorize the neighborhood with common household items, I find the front hose, and fill that condom up. Condoms make huge water balloons. Now, what do I do with this? I really need to let out some steam. Johnny! That's right that little twerp is still in the house. Maybe I can wake him up with… this. As I watch the beautiful arc of the condom through the air, I wonder if I filled the water balloon enough. Because if not, it might… crash… break the window. Well, least I know, he's up now… Great, a broken window, this has been a long night.

As I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, all I can think about is what went wrong. Dude, I was smoking hunk of man when I got to the party. What made me into such a loser? I wish I could try this night over again.