The Party

I knock on the door, the door opens, and I am in heaven. This is where I belong. The party is where I thrive. As I throw my jacket on the chair, I notice the mood and feel of the party. The lighting is dim, the music is blaring, and the people are everywhere. Awesome.

I am the social shark. I move around from guy to girl to guy again. Everyone loves me. Girls want me, and guys want to be me. I enter the conversation, and people look at me in awe. They know that I am the social force to be reckoned with. I enter a conversation, and then like the wind, I am gone, off to give my social graces to another lucky party-goer.

But wait, there she is. The goddess of my dreams is standing in her group of friends chatting up a typhoon. Gwen is radiant. The gods have truly blessed me tonight with this vision. Wait, she's giving me the first glance, a quick up-and-down. Now, she turns back to her friends. Okay, here comes the moment of truth, the second glance… Wait for it… Yes! There it is. She gave me the second glance. Ah yeah, I am the man. Now's the time for me to move in and make the kill.

"Hey! Who's cheap, scummy leather jacket is this?"

I look behind me at the moron who's trying to yell over the roaring music.

Damn.

Damn. Damn.

This worst of possible situations has come down on me on this blessed night of nights. Franco, the football lineman from Hell, is holding up my jacket. I look back at Gwen, and, damn, she's noticed the huge ape of a man making a scene. Now, I am screwed. Well, let's try to communicate with this monkey. Maybe hand-signals will work…

"Hey, Franco, that's my jacket." I yell.

"Is this yours, kid? Oops, I dropped it." belches Franco as he throws my house key to the other side of the room to his buddies. What a jerk! He was searching through my jacket. My jacket. I grab the key as it hits the ground. I am ready to explode. Franco is going to wish that he was never even born. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my shoulder. Ready to take on the world, I whip around, and… standing behind me is my angel.

"Franco shouldn't be stealing other people's stuff. You're Steve, right?" says Gwen. I melt on the inside. My dream-made-flesh just spoke to me, let alone touched me. I am butter. She has melted me. Am I still standing? I feel like a pile of putty, ready to be molded in the hands of an artisan like her. Waiting for a response, I sputter something at her. Meaningless dribble, I am sure. I wait for her response, her blessing to me. I am dumbfounded.

The conversation continues about how bullies shouldn't mistreat the weaker, younger guys. I just nod my head, and say what she wants to hear. Realizing that she is referring to me and my weakness, I try to make myself more manly without making myself look like a poser. I need help.

Gwen turns around as one of her friends yells from across the room. "It's time to go." says her friend. Gwen turns around and heads off without even a good-bye kiss. Who does she think she's talking to? Get up and leave in the middle of conversation. I am not going to let her get away that easily. Grabbing my jacket, I leave the party.

Outside, Gwen and all of her friends are just sitting around chatting about "this" and "that," so I wait for my opening. As soon as she says bye to her last friend, I pounce.

"Oh hey, sorry I had to leave so quick in there." says Gwen. "My friends get in such a hurry sometimes. I had a good conversation with you. What are you up to now?"

Alright, Steve, here's the moment of truth. Think. What does a maiden like Gwen want to hear? I feel around in my jacket for inspiration.

Grabbing my license, I think about going to a bar in the West End, but I realize that my fake ID is still in my room. Looks like I am going to have to sneak in. So, I say, "Well, I was thinking about trying to sneak into Smitty's Bar down in the West End. You want to come?"

"Whatever floats your boat." says Gwen, "I am just going to go home. It was nice to meet you." She then gets into her car, and leaves.

Slam. There it is. No luck for me. Boy, do I feel ditched. I had her in my hands, and I let her get away. Boy, am I a putz. I really suck. Maybe that bar isn't such a bad idea. I'll go drown away a couple of sorrows.

Catching a cab, I make it over to Smitty's. I find the back door. No one's guarding the door, and I get in and sit down at the bar. The barkeeper looks at me square in the eyes and knows that there is a problem. "Wanna a drink?" he says.

"Yup." I reply, and that starts it going.

Things are getting a little blurry now, and objects aren't staying where they are supposed to be. Plus, I am not feeling too good. I need to get home. I settle up with the barkeeper, and head out. Outside Smitty's, I realize that I need to get home fast, but how? What do you know, there is a cab in front of me. Nice. I am the man.

I get in and the cabby asks, "Where you going?"

"Home." I reply.

"Where's that?" says the cabby.

Not able to communicate where it is for sure, I reach into my pocket for something, and I give it to him.

"Sure." says the cabby. "I can take you there. You just sit back and don't puke in my car."

As I step out of the car in front of the house, I realize that tonight quite possibly is the worst night of my life. The beautiful girl has ditched me. So, I reach into my pocket for my house key.

Great, my life couldn't have gotten any worse. I left my keys in the house. All I have is this stupid condom. Great help this has been. How's this condom gonna get me in? Thinking back to my hoodlum days of my youth and when I use to terrorize the neighborhood with common household items, I find the front hose, and fill that condom up. Condoms make huge water balloons. Now, what do I do with this? I really need to let out some steam. Johnny! That's right that little twerp is still in the house. Maybe I can wake him up with… this. As I watch the beautiful arc of the condom through the air, I wonder if I filled the water balloon enough. Because if not, it might… crash… break the window. Well, least I know, he's up now… Great, a broken window, this has been a long night.

As I lay in bed trying to get to sleep, all I can think about is what went wrong. Dude, I was smoking hunk of man when I got to the party. What made me into such a loser? I wish I could try this night over again.