Introduction
Empty your heart of dirt and grime, for the clean ways of the Lord have been restored by a righteous cleaning girl. I, Mitch of Cambridge, have seen the cleansing miracles which the Lord has wrought, through this righteous cleaning girl, and I believe. Read now this good news of the triumph of Holy Sanitation and rejoice! For the dirt and filth that sullies our bathroom tiles and darkens our rugs and stains our walls and invites molds to grow upon our dishes shall be cast away by the Lord, and the sparkling glow of the tiles of Heaven shall be, on earth, as this is His will. Hearken to the virtues of Maria the Righteous Cleaning Girl, and repent, polluters, for, though narrow, tidy is the path of the Lord.
Maria the Righteous Cleaning Girl
There lived in the land of Cambridge in the east a righteous cleaning girl named Maria. Though she was beset on all sides by polluters, with filth in their hearts, she remained righteous and faithful, ever devoted to the ways of clean living. Maria labored day after day to bring back the soft glow of the bathroom tiles and the new carpet smell, but all her efforts were to no avail, for such was the filth of the polluters. Strong though it was, however, they were not able to spread their grime and dirt to Maria's clean heart, and she remained ever faithful to the tidy ways of the Lord.
Satan Defiles Maria's Works
One day, an unclean spirit entered into Maria's hall, and it was named Beelzebub, the Lord of the Flies, the dark prince of Filth, and the unspoken utterance of filth nevincarnate, the fallen one, who seeks to oppose the clean ways of the Lord in every way. The righteous on the hall were afraid to venture out, for fear of being dirtied by the filth of the diminutive demon. They cried out for relief, for the Lord to cleanse the hall of mess and restore His tidiness, but the evil filth prevailed. And so, Maria stood alone against the most damned of polluters, the short seducer of the clean into the ways of grime.
And so, the unclean spirit looked upon Maria's works, and jealousy filled his heart, for though he had many servants to spread his mess, none were as faithful as Maria was to the Lord. He cried out a foul utterance, and rallied his servants to destroy the tidiness that Maria had brought, and for thirteen nights they wrought terror, tarnishing all, leaving caked-on, baked-on mess over all, and the clean and righteous despaired.
For thirteen days, Maria tried, in vain, to clean up after the soiled ones, but each day, as she cleaned the mess of the day before, they wrought a mess twice that of the one she had cleaned, and so on the thirteenth day, Maria wheeled her cart out from the closet and looked down the hall, and her hope was shaken.
"Still, clean and tidy are the ways of the Lord," said Maria, and she set down the hall to begin cleansing the bathroom of the dark one's stench.
As Maria opened the door to the stall, her eyes were burned by a sight beyond evil. There stood the Filthy One himself, and he deafened Maria with his shrill cry, and at the same moment, he stood up, and bent over, and defiled forever the once clean commode with the darkest filth from his innermost disgusting depths. The Filthy One laughed, and darted off to defile another land, speaking in tongues and rejoicing in the completion of his utter mess.
The Blessed Virgin Appears to Maria
At this, Maria fell upon her knees and cried out to the Lord: "My God! My God! I do not know how to serve you, for this is beyond my cleansing abilities!"
Maria despaired, for, though great were her faith in the Holy Soap and the tidy ways of the Lord, Maria was yet still a polluter, and she knew this, and her heart was broken. Her strength was not enough to cleanse this dark filth of the Antichrist, and she emerged into the hall and knelt in the midst of the filth, beating her breast and tearing at her hair, praying for the Lord to instruct her in the ways of removing such a stain. And, as Maria knelt, her prayer was answered, and the Blessed Mother appeared to her. From the wall shone forth a heavenly light, and the Virgin Mother came forth from it and stood before Maria, and she raised her up off her knees, and embraced her, and replaced the mop in her hands, and said:
"Maria, you have been righteous and faithful to the tidy ways of the Lord. Rise, faithful servant, and rejoice. As He has cleansed your spirit and cast out sin, so shall He drive out the dirt from your carpet. As He lifts you up to be seated beside Him, so shall He lift the toughest, most ground in stains, and leave all that remains sparkling, for clean are the bathrooms of the Lord. Go forth, now, and do the cleaning of the Lord."
And Maria looked at the Blessed Mother and fell into tears, joyful at the news of the Lord. She turned around to see her cart, and the slop of the mop-bucket was replaced by rose water, and the raspy single ply was replaced by three ply, quilted with the image of the Child, and the deodorizing sprays were spraying forth thornless roses, whose sweet fragrance was beginning to erase the foul odors of the dark fiend. And Maria turned back to thank the Blessed Mother, but she was gone, and in her place, on the wall, was a painting of her as she had appeared to Maria. In thanksgiving, Maria and the Righteous fell to their knees before the Image and prayed for three days, before taking up again the janitorial work of the Lord.
Maria Attempts to Cleanse the Bathroom
And Maria lifted her Blessed Broom and went forth into the hallway and proclaimed to the righteous, "Come forth, righteous cleaners! Whosoever follows the tidy path of the Lord, come forth, and take up these Holy Cleansers, and we shall drive out the Mess and Stench of Satan from our bathroom and return the golden glow of heaven to its tiles, for such has been told to me by the Blessed Mother herself!"
But the righteous were still afraid, for the mess, though lessened by the roses of the Virgin Mother, lay still throughout the hall. "We have seen the vision, too, Maria, but we are still afraid. What if the vision was false, the bewitching of the dirty one, or the ill-effects of his dark stench, which, despite the Virgin Mother, still stains that unclean stall. It is not safe or prudent, to venture at cleansing his mess, until the Lord give us a sign."
And Maria was saddened by what she heard, and spoke to them, "Though tidy, ye are of little faith in the powerful cleansing action of the Lord. Do what you will, then, but I still have faith."
And the righteous shut their doors and sulked in guilt behind them, and for seven days and seven nights, they heard the labor of Maria, and the heavenly music of her venerable vacuum, and the sweet sweeping of her blessed broom, and the spraying and wiping of holy windex. For seven days and seven nights, Maria cleaned, and none emerged into the hall, not even the polluters, for her eyes, once burned out by the foul vision of Satan squatting over the stall, had been restored to her by the Virgin Mother, and they burned with the light of Heaven. And on the seventh day, they heard the rattling of the cans and the knocking of the broom against the reek-free walls, and on the seventh night, they heard silence, and they knew that Maria had cleansed the hall.
The righteous emerged into the hallway, and it sparkled with the light of the Lord. Tidy it was, out done in orderliness only by the halls of the house of the Lord after Jesus and the choirs of Angels have waxed the floor. And they walked with wonder freely down the hall, unimpeded by the shackles and fetters of piled up trash and garbage, and they rejoiced at the glowing tile floors in the kitchen and bathrooms. For even the doorknobs shined, and the glass was clear as the Baby-Jesus' conscience. And they sung, for the air smelled of the Blessed Mother's roses, and their music filled the hall and the righteous were filled with joy at the miracle wrought by the Lord through Maria. But they were saddened, for Maria was nowhere to be found.
They searched the hall for her, calling out to Maria, "Maria! We have seen the miracle, and now we believe! Come forth and share with us our joy in the virtues of cleanliness!" but none could find her. And then, one who was a polluter, but had reformed, went to use the bathroom, and discovered there Maria, collapsed in the exhaustion and joy of cleaning for God. She rested by the stall that Satan had defiled, still clutching her sponge in hand, and though much of the evil mess was cleaned away, there remained still the outline of the Devil's Ass, and all of Maria's scrubbing still could not wash it away, for she had in her still the original sin of pollution. And the one who discovered her, though reformed to the clean ways of God, had reawakened in him the potential to pollute, simply by seeing the imprint of the Devil's Ass, and secretly the polluters rejoiced.
The Seven Polluters
And a time went by where the hall remained clean, and the righteous were free to pursue happiness through cleanliness, and the tidy were free to give thanks to God for his gifts of stain-fighting-power, and all were happy, though the stain of Satan's Orifice remained. And the reeking runt's grip on the dirty hearts of the slovenly silently grew stronger, and the stain of his ass grew darker on the wall of the toilet stall, until one day, that disgusting devil unleashed his vengeance upon Maria by speaking through the mouth of he who discovered the Uncleanseable Stain.
"Wherefore should we follow the clean ways of the Lord?" spoke Satan through stolen lips. "Is it really he who cleansed the hall? Or was it just this mere woman, Maria, who lied to us to advance her ways, for who has ever seen the Lord lift a broom, or push a mop, or take up a sponge or spray bottle to cleanse this world, let alone the world beyond. Was it not more gratifying to spread our mess and filth wherever we felt like it, ruled by no Lord but our own messy wills?"
And seven polluters were swayed to the side of Satan with these words, and they began to belch forth filth in obeyance to Satan's command, and slowly the bright bliss that Maria had wrought disappeared, replaced once again by evil mess, so that again the righteous fled to their rooms in terror, and the hallway grew foul with mold, and shower flies, and the dark soilings of animals and men.
There were seven polluters, two of Munroe, four of Hayden, and one of Wood, and their names were: Vomit, who is also known as Puke, and Dirty Dishes, two brothers of Munroe; Stain, Shit, who is also known as Crap, and his sister Piss, and Trash, who spread toilet paper throughout Hayden; and the one from Wood was named Little Dots of Paper from Hole Punchers. And the seven went forth into the hallway to spread their filth, and Maria was saddened.
Maria Falters for the First Time
And the seven polluters spread their seven pollutions, vomit, kitchen-mess, carpet stains, shit, piss, trash, and little dots of paper from hole punchers, and Maria knelt before the image of the Virgin Mary and tears filled her eyes. "Blessed Mother," Maria called, "please help me!" but the painting stood unmoved.
And Little Dots of Paper from Hole Punchers spread throughout the hall, to carpet it suitably for the return of the dark dwarfed demon, and he spread a layer thirteen inches thick, and circled round Maria three times as she knelt in prayer, and the other polluters formed four fallen angels in the paper holes, and wrote in them the name of the one with a projectile ass. And Maria lifted her broom to sweep it out, and found it was so heavy.
Maria looked up and down the hall, and tried to lift her broom, but it grew too heavy for her to lift, and as she glanced across the paper mess, in her heart, she heard the raspy voice of the polluters, and was moved, and said to herself, "I will buy a lighter broom and sweep this tomorrow. Now it is time to rest," and thus Maria faltered for the first time, and a tear formed in the eye of the painting of the Baby with cleanest diapers.
Maria Falters for the Second Time
Seeing their polluting ways spreading even to the most righteous of the cleaners, the polluters rejoiced, and prepared further for the coming of their unsanitary overlord, and Trash lined the hall with toilet paper, and Shit and Piss provided their applied their own fell talents to the toilet paper, and Dirty Dishes stopped up all the drains with moldy food, and the flies spread across the hall. And the righteous looked around and despaired, for, but a short time after the hallowing of the hall by Maria and the Blessed Mother, now was it returning to be the unsightly landfill of Satan.
And the righteous looked up and down the hall and hid in their rooms, and Maria saw the mess that was formed anew, and in her heart, she wanted to clean it, but she felt so tired, and when she went to take up her mop, she found the slop bucket of the Lord to be empty, and the deodorizing sprays to be expended, and the soap squeeze bottles to be squeezed dry, and all the rubber gloves to be gone, and she heard in her heart, louder than her own clean desires, the will of the dark polluters, and she said, "I will go buy cleaners and clean this tomorrow," and thus did Maria, righteous cleaning girl, falter for the second time, in her housekeeping for God, and a tear formed in the other eye of the metal Child with cleanest diapers, and His metal jaw rusted into a frown.
The Lord's Command to Maria
As Maria wheeled her Christly cleaning cart into the closet and prepared to go forth from the hall, she heard behind her sad weeping, and she turned and saw the Blessed Mother.
"Why do you weep, O' Mother of God? For the clean shall triumph as you have told me, and I stop my cleaning now only because I must get more cleansers to do the work of the Lord."
But the Blessed Mother kept weeping, and Maria noticed that she did not have her child in her arms. "Maria, though you are a faithful servant of the Lord, twice have you faltered, and you do not know it, and it has given Satan the strength to pull my son, our savior, down into the depths of his trash chute hell." As she said this, Maria looked to see flames from the trash chute, and amidst laughing and the song of the polluters, she heard the cries of a Child, and the rusty squeak of metal jaws, bawling for the breast of His Virgin Mother.
And Maria fell upon her knees, and wept there with the Blessed Mother, and cried, "My God, I am sorry for my sins with all my heart. In choosing to not clean, in failing to be tidy, I have sinned against you," and the wailing of the two women brought tears to all the righteous in their rooms, but the polluters laughed, for their dark hearts were made of junkyard trash.
And their cries reached up to the Lord in Heaven above, and his choirs of angels, of cherubim and seraphim, and they assembled in the Kingdom of Heaven to hear His word, and rejoice. And from the fiery depths of the trash chute of Hell, a clear clean Child's voice echoed the command of the Lord.
"Maria! You need no broom, no mop, to deodorizing spray, to aid you in your labors, for these are but the cleansers of Man. You have within the cleaning power of the Holy Spirit, fires from the Lord to consume the trash, His divine winds to blow away the stench, His rains to wash away the stains, and His Word to clean all hearts. Go forth, Maria, and cleanse, for this is the command of the Lord."
Maria Casts the Seven Polluters into Hell
And with the Holy Spirit of the God, and the strength of heart of the Virgin Mary, Maria went forth into the hall, and into her arms she took up all the mess, all the paper, all the trash, all the dirty dishes, all the food the plugged the drains, all the flies, all the roaches, all the unsightly dirt and stains, all the tarnish and dust, all of these she took up into her hands, and the Lord himself steadied her, and she cast it down into the flames of the trash chute of Hell.
And she reached down into the chute, and took the hand of the Child, and raised him up from the Chute, and restored him to the arms of His mother, and with the voice of the Lord, she commanded, "Polluters, come forth! For such is the command of the Lord!"
And terror filled their hearts and the seven polluters knelt before Maria and tried to seduce her to the ways of dirt, but she would not be moved, and one by one she raised them up and cast them into the fires of the Hell's trash chute, and thus, through the Power and Glory of the Lord was the hall hallowed and clean once more, and Maria rested.
The Hall Residents Emerge and ask her to Cleanse their Worst Stains
For twelve days, Maria rested, and all the hall sparkled for her. On each day, as the sun rose to its highest, a door on the hall opened, and one of the clean people of the hall emerged to delight in the tidiness brought unto them by the Lord. And on the twelfth day, Maria looked away from her soap opera at the gathering of twelve cleaners, and she delighted, and yet there was longing in her heart, for all was not clean.
And the twelve spoke:
"Cleanest Maria, who sparkles with the Holy Spirit, who suffers not from the sticky residue of sin that won't go away, we do our best to follow you, but we are not without the caked-on residue of dirtiness ourselves. We beg you, Maria who wields the cleaning power of the Lord, a greater than that of any ammonia or lemon fresh cleanser, help us beat our toughest stains, help us cleanse our clothes of dirt and our hearts of sin."
And Maria rose, and she stood above the crowd on a table, and all those before her were in awe of how white her whites were, and how bright her colors were, and then they heard the choirs of angels, and they fell on their knees in wonder, for when Maria spoke, she spoke with the words of the Lord:
"Children, I shall reveal unto you the Cleanest of Mysteries, and with them you shall go forth into the world and pollute no more, and you shall work these same miracles and spread the clean ways of the Lord, for this is the command of the Cleanest One."
Maria works Twelve Cleaning Miracles
The first stepped forward and said, "Maria, this battery acid has left a stain." And Maria blew upon it, and lifted it from him with her hands, and cast the stain down to Hell.
Then came another, who brought rags covered in deck stain. And Maria saw and she crumpled the rags up into a ball, and dunked them in her slop bucket, and when she pulled them out, they were sparkling white, and smelled of roses, and as she unraveled them, rose petals fell from the folds.
And one came forth with potting soil all over his pants, and Maria said, "Give me the water you use for your plants." And she took some of it and removed the stain with it, and she said to him, "Use the rest of this on your plants." And when he did, the flowers bloomed like never before, and the vegetables were their crispest, and the leeks needed no washing.
Then came a Pritchett worker, who carried with her a tablecloth, stained with tomato sauce from a chicken Parmesan basket ordered by the Runt. And the Pritchett worker wept, for the image of the Runt was burned onto the cloth in tomato sauce. And Maria took up one of her tears, and with it she washed the cloth clean of all stains of that Scrawny Satan, and the Pritchett worker was glad.
And one named Rigel came forth and asked, "Maria, how may I remove this stain of paint?" And Maria drew water from the sink, and she mixed with it some soap, and she rubbed it onto the stain and said, "Go forth without stain." And Rigel went forth and saw she was without stain.
Then another stepped forward and begged, "Maria, this machine shop grease simply will not come out." And Maria again took water from the sink, and soap, and rubbed it into the stain and said, "All stains come out if you have faith in the Lord, return to your shop without stain."
Then a ditzy one came forth and said, "Like, Maria, I hung out at a frat last night and now I have this stain on my dress and I have no idea what it is or how to get it out? Can you help me? I have my sorority formal tonight so I need this dress..." and Maria said, "Shut up your ever-bitchy mouth and renounce your frat bunny way of life, and you shall go forth without stain," and the stain disappeared.
And a bearded one came forth and said, "I was taking a photograph when I spilled my beer." And Maria handed him a bottle of seltzer water and said, "You must wash with this, and then travel around the world with your beer, spreading the cleanest ways of the Lord, and then shall you be without stain."
And a second bearded one came forth and showed Maria his hands, stained by newspaper ink. And Maria said, "Write of these miracles, and the stains shall disappear."
And three women came forward and said, "Maria, we spilled our wine in a box on ourselves." And Maria smiled and said, "The stain of wine in a box is no stain, it is a virtue. Watch the Rocky films and the stain shall be gone, and all you will know will be bliss."
And a gymnast came forth, and Maria said "Your shirt is stained with the droppings of a rat. You must remove it immediately, for only then shall you be clean." And she tore off the gymnast's shirt, and all stood in awe of his bulging chest.
And then a giggling man came forward, and Maria said unto him, "Your shirt is stained with the blood of a vanquished frat wuss." She then tore off the giggling man's shirt, and again all stood in awe. And Maria said to giggling man and the gymnast, "Walk past those attractive angels, and they will reach to touch your dazzling chests, and they shall remove all stain from you in their rapture." And Maria and the cleansed crowd stood in the hallway and rejoiced, for strong is the cleaning power of the Holy Spirit, be the stains caked in, baked in, or ground in, no stain-lifting power, no sheeting action, no special enzymes are stronger.
Maria Falters for the Third Time and Satan Returns
And the hall was clean for many days, and Maria rested and was glad in her heart, for the Lord's cleaning work was done, and Maria rested and watched the soaps.
On the sixth day of the sixth week of the term, a Dean appeared on the hall, and he prostrated himself before Maria and said, "Righteous Maria, I have heard the tales of your cleaning miracles from across the realm, and I have come here to see if you can cleanse me of these stains." And the Dean held forth to Maria his hands and they were covered in blood so red that all the tidy turned away in horror, for such mess had not been seen since the days of the Anticlean.
But Maria stood fast, and looked at the Dean's hands. She rose up once again on the table and said, "My cleaning power is strong enough to remove these stains from your hands. May Nevins return and defile the toilets if these stains leave not you, Dean, as I lay my hands upon thee!"
And Maria laid her hands upon the dean, but the stains did not go, and instead, the Dean began to laugh. For the Dean was the Anticlean in disguise, and he cried out "Let forth the dogs of dirty!" and defilement shot out from his body and sullied the sinks, and stench belched black as sack cloth from his gaping maw, and he cried out "Oooops! I missed!" as a river of diarrhea flowed forth from his cursed hole. And Maria realized her sin, and fell to her knees, and wept, as the Stunted terror spread his defilement on her.
The Lord must Cleanse the Bathroom
But the Lord did not forsake Maria, despite her sin, and from the wall came forth the son, Metal Jesus, with jaw blindingly polished, so that the Runt could not defile it, and he instead saw in it his reflection, and that drove him forth from the place and into hiding, for it was so disgusting.
And the Lord God used His Holy stain-lifting power to drive the mess back to hell, and the lemon scent of the Holy Spirit filled the hall, and the tiles shown with the sparkling glow of the Light of the World to Come, for tidy is the Kingdom of the Lord.
Maria is Penitent Before the Lord
And Maria knelt before the Lord and wept:
"Lord God, Cleanest of Clean, whose name fights grease and softens hands, I have sinned against you, and I beg your forgiveness."
And the Merciful Lord put down his broom and said to Maria:
"Maria, your sin was of faith carried too far by pride. But always have you kept your heart clean, and always have you worked to cleanse the hall. You strive to make tidy the world, as tidy as is the Kingdom of Heaven, so repent, sin no more, and go forth to cleanse the world."
And Maria wept on her knees, and her tears began to cleanse the walls on contact, and she wiped them up with a paper towel, and where each stain was lifted there was an image of the Metal Child, and all the Children of Neatness gave thanks for the Cleaning Power of the Lord.
The Martyrdom of Maria
And Maria went forth to cleanse the world and spread the good news of Holy Sheeting Action and the Lifting of the Stain of Sin from the hearts of the righteous. And she cleaned until the whole land sparkled and there was not one speck of dust or dirt anywhere, and all were glad, save Maria. For at night she looked up at the Moon and saw that is was spotted with dirt. And so Maria climbed up the tallest building to try to cleanse the Moon, but the wicked Runt saw his opportunity and brought her to fall.
And in the place that Maria fell, there was no stain of blood or cracked open skull. Having fallen, Maria cried out to the Lord, "Thanks be to the lemon-fresh scrubbing action of the Lord," and the Lord took her up into his Kingdom. And instead of any stain in the place where Maria fell, they found only that the concrete had been polished to a mirror finish, in the shape of a mop and broom formed into a crucifix.
And seeing this, the Runt screamed, and disappeared into Hell, and the land remained clean by the work of Maria's disciples, always mindful that tidy is the Kingdom of God.
Prayer of Intercession
Blessed Maria Cleaning Woman, You were baptized in your slop bucket by the Metal Jesus Child, Hear our prayer in our moment of mess, And bring unto us the cleansing power of Holy Sanitation. Cast away our sins like dust bunnies on your Holy Broom, Make our lives fresh and lemony, Make our tiles sparkle with the Light of the World to Come, And hear our prayers to the Lord, Our God, Cleanest of Clean, AMEN.