Emma Lindsay was born Esmerelda Marie Longhorn Lindsay, after her
long-since diseased Grand-mother Esme Finklestein, on September 8, 1984,
at 4 in the morning, to Lord and Lady Steven L. Lindsay. She had seven
little fingers and seven little toes on each hand and foot. Being of
british descent, her teeth were prematurely formed; and what a truly
frightful smile they composed! The grin of this imp was of such a
distasteful variety that the delivering doctor immediately committed suicide
by slitting both the nurses wrists and setting a local nunnery aflame. All
were confused. None were happy.

The parents of this deceitful child loosed her upon the wilderness -
hoping never to again set eyes upon the demonaic monstrocity which had so
recently groped and clawed its way from its foetal chamber. After being
flung from a cliff, falling five stories onto a pile of sharp stones, and
being torn at by various birds of prey, Lady Lindsay was said to exclaim
"Cheerio! Let us be off. We're late for tea." Lord Lindsay nodded his
ascent. They were off. They were, after all, late for tea.

Little is known about the next few years of the life of this
cursed and broken daughter of nobility. Some say she lived among wolves.
Others claim to have seen her among the puffins.

Whatever the case, 9 years passed. She emerged.

With sunken eyes, chipped teeth, gnarled hands, Emma emerged from the dark
woods of New Lincolnshire and belowed at the accursed heavens.

The little we know about the next few years of Emma's life is due to
accounts from newspapers and whatnot. She killed a bunch of people, ate
some fetuses, robbed a few banks, shoved some old people down staircases.
To be frank, she just wasn't a very nice little girl at all.

But greater powers took notice.
An old wizend wizard saw the little brownie and beat his brow upon his
staff for having been so blind. He was said to have remarked upon little
Emma's wonderful prowess for battle.

Using his magical powers of wonder, the wizard enchanted Emma's feeble
animalistic mind, and brought her back to his fortress of woe. Day in and
day out he would set her against Igor the Bonecrusher in battle until one
day, she won. Of course, needless to say, he had been teaching her the
wonders of the centuries, blah blah, who cares?

So she had become a warrior - her teeth were now straight for some reason
- her hair (at least) marginally less greasy than it had been - her wits
were about her (though by all accounts, she was still no genius). In
short, she was a warrior princess.

And oh boy did this turn the wizard on. He would have Emma dress up in all
these fucking hot outfits and watch her fight and oh god oh god did he
enjoy his job.

But anyway, one day came for the light to fight the dark and emma fought
for the light, she won, whatever.

Then a bunch of time later she ended up in blah blah this story climaxed
right around the time that emma became a warrior princess and started
killing a bunch of shit in skin-tight garb. I don't think it can go
anywhere from here.

Oh right, one day the world was peaceful, the wizard had died, and Igor
sold Emma on ebay. We bought her and set her free, and here she sits,
content and occasionally well-groomed, in the 4th HNC.

OR DID SHE?!?!

Just recently, Emma went off to bathe in the blood of her foes and find
the long-lost Lord and Lady Lindsay to avenge her bereavement.

And this, children, is where our story ends.