Armelle G - 08:49am Oct 23, 2000 (#1 of 26)
Je pense que les réponses sont assez similaires. En revanche, les étudiants français auraient plus tendance à se remettre en question : certains affirment qu'ils se défendent SI la critique est injustifiée : ceci signifie qu'ils acceptent d'être ctitiqués devant leurs amis.
Je pense que les relations parents-enfants sont les mêmes partout, qu'en pensez-vous ??
Je crois que les réponses sont assez similaires mis à part le fait que j'ai l'impression que les français ont tendance à règler leurs différents en public .Peut être les américains sont-ils plus discrets voir plus pudiques?
Acceptez-vous facilement les critiques ? Cela vous permet-il d'évoluer?
Pour ma part je pense qu'il est vraiment difficile d'essayer de tirer un avis global sur une question qui dépend autant de nos relations personnelles avec nos parents.
La seule petite remarque que je ferai c'est que les français semble plus revendicatif et semble plus enclin à se défendre... est-ce par fierté?
Il est vrai que les Français ont plus tendance à se défendre même devant leurs amis sans avoir peur de déballer leur sac. Cette situation est très gênante aussi bien pour soi que pour l'ami devant lequel la critique est faite.
Mais je pense que, en général, les parents n'ont pas à faire de remarques en publique car soit elles sont inutiles (si l'ami présent est un bon ami, il sera déjà au courant du défaut mis en avant), soit elles sont déplacées.
Ne pensez-vous pas que la critique publique soit plus destructrice qu'une critique plus personnelle qui permette de se défendre sans embarrasser les gens présents (amis ou non?
To answer Muriel, I take criticism well from people. In fact, my roomate criticized the shoes I was wearing today, so I took them off and wore a different pair. As for the first pair of shoes, they're shoved up my roomate where the sun doesn't shine.
Muriel: I have a hard time accepting criticism, but when I get a chance to cool off and think about it, I usually find that it helps me to develop. How about you?
Hi,
I agree with Cécile, for criticism to reach home and be well recieved by somebody it is best to do it personally.
On the parent/children relationships, I don't think they are are the same all around. I see differences (which is what I've been taught to do by this Cultura thing :) ) even in the same country. Like Guillaume said, these responses must vary greatly with the type of relationship you have with your parents.
My own personal theory is that there is in general a more formal relationship between american parents and their children than french parents and their children. This would explain why french responses considered arguing with their parents right away more often. Because they feel closer, and it would be like arguing against another friend so to speak.
Comments? Criticism??
And remember that I'm an engineer and not a sociologist!!!
This is in response to Muriel's question- Personally, I guess I don't accept criticism very well. I normally don't say anything in reply to whoever is criticizing me. I usually think to myself that the criticizer is wrong. I also dwell on it long after it happens. I sometimes think about what the person said days after it happened.
I agree with Fernando on many points. I find the French and the American responses quite different: the Americans avoid to confront their parents - they prefer to talk to them later. The French are ready to defend themselves if the criticisms are unjust, so they are less timid and more ready to provoke discussions, more "equal" to their parents as somebody already noticed. On the other hand, it cannot be generalized that the relationship "parents-children" is the same, or even the same in one country. The evolution of each family is individual and creates a unique microclimate of relationships.
And a question: Founded opposition to parents is good, but
at what point does one become disrespectful? Are there any
"unwritten rules" of the allowed behaviour in the French
family?
I agree with Fernando and Gergana-- American students tend to confront their parents in private, while French students are more likely to confront their parents in front of their friends. However, I don't believe that this is because Americans feel more distant towards their parents than the French do. Rather, wouldn't this indicate that Americans are more distant towards their _friends_ than the French are? Maybe Americans don't want their friends to see them arguing with their parents, so they save the dispute for a later, more private time. It could also be a matter of pride-- Americans don't want to be criticized in front of others, and so they wait till later.... What do you think?
In response to Muriel, I find some forms of criticism much easier to accept than others. It depends on what the criticism is about-- if it deals with something that is very personal, I would listen to it, but I would have to chew over it for a while before I decided to accept it or not. Of course, it would also depend on how the criticism is given....
It is true that the French seem to response immediately, in front of their friends, to the critics by their parents. Americans tend to lay it off. My parents usually sit down with my friends and me to chat and we discuss things at a friends level. I think this answer depends greatly on the relation you have with your parents, how open is the relation, etc...
I don't think the question is whether American or French students have a more formal relationship with their parents. I like to think of it as general courtesy. There is a time and a place for a response to your parent's criticism. Assuming that your parents have the best of intentions in what they said to you, i think having a private conversation after your friends leave would be more respectful and courteous for all parties involved. I guess it might depend of what type of friend you have over. Personally, when i have been present with a friend and her mom/dad fighting it's made me uncomfortable and i would imagine the same way around.
Acceptez-vous facilement les critiques ? Cela vous permet-il d'évoluer?
It depends who is doling out the criticism. In any situation, whether I am with my friend or not, I would accept criticism from my parents or an elder with quiet fortitude. If I was trying to really be a good person, I would evaluate their words for truths that I could really apply to changing my person, thus becoming a better person in my own mind. Never would I attempt to defend myself though - who am I to question the experience of my parents or those who have lived much longer than I? While everything such people say might not be jewels of wisdom, we can certainly expect a great deal more "truth" from their lips than from our own peers.
What right do we have to talk back to our parents, elders, teachers, etc.? Unless of course we have measured our words carefully and thought about whether they are important enough to bother the ears of these people. Shouting back words immediately is immensely disrespectful - not putting thought or consideration into our words demonstrates that we do not think these people are worthy of having us waste time thinking before acting or saying. And that is simply not true.
It comes down then to a question of respect - whom do you respect and how do you demonstrate such respect? Any takers on these question from the french side? How do people feel parents should be respected? Or should they at all?
How old were you when you were first able to beat up your parents? For me, it was when I was 10.
Cécile:
Ne pensez-vous pas que la critique publique soit plus destructrice qu'une critique plus personnelle qui permette de se défendre sans embarrasser les gens présents
Honestly, no, I don't accept criticism well, so one-on-one criticism works best for me. I would really hate it if my parents did anything like that to me in front of friends, which thankfully they don't, but they do critisize in front of relatives and that bothers me to no end.
Do French parents tend to critisize or boast about their children in front of relatives?
Je suis d'accord sur le fait que nos parents et nos parents méritent un grand respect car on leur doit une partie non négligeable de ce que nous sommes aujourd'hui? Vous ne trouvez pas?
Pourtant je serai plus critique sue l'avis de Ian dans le sens o je crois qu'il est assez important d'avoir assez rapidement un regard critique sur nos parents. Bien sur ils connaissent mieux la vie que nous mais ils ne sont pas toujours des modèles, même si apparemment ici on a tous la chance d'en avoir d'assez bon; mais tout le monde n'est pas dans ce cas la et alors faut-il toujours le même respect?
I think I agree with you, Guillaume. It's true that not everyone's parents are wonderful. If, for example, one was abused mentally or physically by the parents, I don't think the parents would deserve much respect. However, in cases which are not so extreme, I agree that one should accept the critcism of one's parents. This doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with them, but this does mean at least considering the criticism, and perhaps remembering it till a later time, when we might understand it better.
Also, a little question.... I think American children are generally known for asserting their independence, and sometimes talking back to their parents. And I think Asian children are thought to always show obedience and respect for their elders. (I'm not saying either one of these statements is true, but they seem to be general stereotypes). How about French/ European children? Do they fall into either category, or have they reached a happy medium? :)
I think Guillaume touches upon an interesting topic: should each and every parent be accorded the same respect regardless of their quality of parenting? I think the answer to this question is no. Parents have a huge power to influence their children - both negatively and positively. While a good deal of parents are wonderful, loving, and supportive people - some parents are not. I have found it difficult to understand the asian notion (mentioned by gayani) of unconditional love and respect for one's parents. I think that one's parents and their opinions should be accorded the same respect that any other person's opinion is accorded. However, I think that when assessing whether or not to accept criticism from one's parents, one needs to evaluate the criticism in the context of the individual parents views. It is a sad fact that many parents(particularly american parents) have so many other priorities besides family, that their parenting skills leave much to be desired in some cases. The pervasive work culture has placed a strain on traditional family roles and children are no longer the focus of a household. I think that one should weigh parental criticism as they would criticism from any other source. If the criticism is merited, then children should acknowledge it. However, above all, children should not accept unfounded criticism from parents. This type of submissive behavior often leads to adverse effects a child's self-esteem and image. I know I learned pretty early that my parents views would not lead me down the path I would like to follow. My parents did not support decision to come to college at all - nor were they particularly interested in my high school education. What would have happened if I had accepted their criticism, respected their decisions, dropped out of high school, and gotten a job?
My question is - do you think parents deserve unconditional love and respect merely by virtue of their parental status?
There is nothing wrong with talking back to your parents. If they are so much older and wiser, they should be able to convince you that you are wrong and they are right. If they only have the capacity to say something like "because I said so," then there is really no need to listen to what they say.
Tout d'abord pour répondre à Gayani, je situerai le français plus au milieu effectivement, mais je ne sais pas et ne pense pas qu'il ait ateint le juste milieu! La notion de famille me semble ici assez forte, et ce pour la famille au sens large: c'est à dire nos oncles et tantes et nos cousins, meme si on ne les voient pas très souvent. Il est souvent mal vu de vouloir couper tous les liens. Pourtant, on est encore loin, très loin du cas asiatique tel que tu le nommes.
Pour répondre à Kristen, je dirai que meme s'il faut se méfier de tous les conseils des parents ( ton expérience étant une bonne preuve s'il en fallait une ) je pense qu'il mérite peut-e^tre une attention particulière, à la base ils sont sensés nous aimer ou alors la vie possede encore beaucoup de mystère qu'il me reste à découvrir...
PS: il y a quelques fautes d'accent, mais je suis en ce moment en Italie et les claviers ici gardent très bien leur mystère!!!
Acceptez-vous facilement les critiques ? Cela vous permet-il d'évoluer?
In response to Muriel, I accept criticism from my parents if it is founded (which it usually is :p) I believe that through criticism, children learn what is right and wrong, the right was to act in a situation, etc. I think that criticism allows a child to learn his own faults and improve on them. (my view is probably not the same as most Americans, because my parents come from traditional Chinese families). Do you believe that criticism allows a child to develop?
William,
je suis tout à fait de ton avis , lorsque l'on me fait une critique j'ai tendance à mal le prendre dans un premier temps ; mais quand j'y repense j'essaie de comprendre pourquoi on m'a dit cela .C'est donc l'occasion de prendre un peu de recul et de s'autoanalyser.
Elizabeth,
Je suis d'accord avec toi sur le fait que les critiques nous permettent d'évoluer mais il faut que cette critique soit constructive .Ce que j'entends par constructive c'est qu'elle doit nous donner envie de progresser et non pas nous décourager.