Message-Id: <9510301920.AA11115@m66-080-4.MIT.EDU>
To: russkis-flame@MIT.EDU
Subject: Guest column by Dr.Root
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 1995 14:20:51 EST
From: Cristobal Joseevich Junta <grisha@MIT.EDU>
Content-Length: 4780

					I can't get no satisfaction
						Rolling Stones

Ladies and gentlemen,

The Basmachi, Inc., of the B-A-D alliance are proud to start a new
tradition. From now on we hope to have a guest columnist that will
comment on and assess various happenings in Russian House. And so
without further ado, but with a short fore... What did you expect?
ForeWORD by Basmachi, we present today's column.

Foreword by Basmachi

You are all familiar with the local psychologists that have appeared
here to comment on various vital issues, and we hope that you will
appreciate today's author. Dr.Root Westheimer is a renowned
columnist, authoress and leading authority on the joys of six [sic], who
has agreed to enlighten us and grace her favorite audience -- MIT
student -- with her guest appearance. Ladies and gentlemen, we give you
Doctor Root Westheimer.

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Dear friends, and, I hope, no animals or plants,

As some of you, who are the most avid readers of my columns and
followers of my advice, know, I have always advocated change of place
as a great catalyst for increasing the fulfillment and satisfaction from
sexual activity. I am glad that some of you are taking my advice, and
even going a step further. I am sure that there are few places that
are so suited for lovemaking as the place that usually serves to fulfill
one's intellectual and spiritual needs, for the athmosphere there is
conducive to make this act truly what it should be. Presence of a
musical instrument is very important, as hearing octave intervals can
greatly enhance the sensations (see Harmony and Counterpoint magazine).
In addition, having various literature around is useful to look up some
important terms that you forget, to brush up on the technique, or just
to read in case you are bored. So, in view of the above considerations,
I can see that the place of choice for Russian House residents would be the
library, with its great abundance of books, its piano, and , ah... the
door! The door that can be locked to achieve privacy, but, since many
people have keys, it also adds the sense of thrill to the excitement,
the danger to be discovered, which is still more privacy than one would
get in a double, triple, or a freshman single. Yes, friends, if you are
to follow my advice, the library is the place. 

However, there are some fine points that you need to address if you are
going to take this advice. I know that you take Barsukov's song
seriously and practice safe sex, however, you must remember that there
is nothing in the Webster's dictionary that can potentially cause
pregnancy, AIDS or STD. Therefore, my friends, there is really no need
to put condom on the poor dictionary. And if you are smart enough to
realize that,  please remember that if you needed the dictionary to look
up some important terms, and didn't find the word "condom" in it, it
doesn't mean that a 3D illustration of the concept should be attached to
the aforementioned dictionary. If you were frustrated with the small
ratio of the size of your... active vocabulary to the number of words
defined in the dictionary in question and have, in frustration and
desperation, decided to do to the dictionary what you until now have
only talked about doing, you don't need the aforementioned birth-control
device, but the help of local psychologists available at 253-7788
(SIPB) or 576-9460 (Smart Food Co-op). And finally, if what those who
were about  to play a dictionary game when they have discovered your
byproduct on it have taken for the 3D illustration had actually been
used for its original purpose, it most definitely should not be left
lying on a dictionary, unrolled to all its greatness, for reasons
hygienic, medical and aesthetical.  

Remember that being considerate to other people and objects will greatly
aid you in your life, and make your sexual life much more exciting. I am
certainly glad when even persons of such high intellectual capacity as
MIT students are following my advice, but I would like them also to
consider the implications their aspirations to sexual fulfillment has on
their friends. Be well!

*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*	*

Afterword by Basmachi

We hope this has been enlightening, as well as entertaining. If you
don't know what incident this column is referring to, consult the
Basmachi News Office at Russian House, Rm. 204. Incriminating
photographs shall be available as soon as Dimon uses the rest of his
film. Join us next week when our guest philologist will discuss the
influence of soft consonants on the effectiveness of Alaskan gold
miners. 

Professor Muller for the Basmachi.
--------
"That is an impossibility.  Trying to forget anything as intriguing as
this would be an exercise in futility." 
			Quentin Tarantino, Pulp Fiction