How to Sink the Family: Adoption Edition
by Naomi Zabel
One day, your parents will come home and tell you they are thinking about adopting another kid. It comes as a total shock because you had no idea that they were considering anything so drastic. It will be phrased as "What do you think of this idea?" — but you will know it's a statement. Take a second and stare at them. Then say "no." Your parents will try to convince you that it is okay, but you know that it isn't true; you are in 8th grade and have been the youngest for the last fourteen years and intend to keep things the way they are. You can keep refusing. This might prevent adoptions in some families, but in most cases it will just cause tension when the parents have to tell you later that they are going to adopt anyway.
Next your parents will ask you to help pick out the kid from the orphanage. Just say "okay" to whichever kid they pick out—it's not like you wanted the kid in the first place. Not that you have a problem with that particular kid; it's just that you don't want any kid at all to invade your house. Later, your parents will tell you it's your fault that the child is there because you did not object to the particular child, even though you never gave your approval to the idea in the first place.
Your parents may ask you if you are willing to move to the broken-down house next door that has a lawn instead of a roof. The perk, they will tell you, is that when you are older you will get to inherit both houses, since they are planning to rent out your current house. What they will fail to mention until long after you've refused and the decision is irreversible is that if you had moved to the house next door you would not have been adopting the third kid. Your father thinks it will be too stressful to both repair a house that you are living in and adopt another kid. Your parents won't tell you why they didn't tell you all the facts, but it is probably because your mother wants the kid more than the house. When they finally do tell you about the full consequences of your decision to stay put, this will cause even more tension because you will be upset that they had you make a life-altering decision without giving you the facts. This omitted fact would have definitely altered your decision; tell your parents. It will upset them greatly and show your feelings of discontent about the annex to the family.
Think of each infraction as another way in which you are being abandoned—less cared about, less considered, less loved.
Right after the child is chosen, you will be forced to do a lot of little things to welcome her. Do them as grudgingly as possible. Make sure all your smiles in the family photos that will be sent to your new sister are completely forced. Your mother will be able to tell as soon as she gets photo prints that your smiles were fake. Your parents will get angry and say things like, "We do so much for you, just do this one little thing for us." Reply with, "You are the one adopting her, and I'm doing my part by tolerating it." Only say that in response to one of the many miniature tasks you are assigned to carry out. For all the others, just think it and allow the resentment to build.
The legal process of adopting and actually getting the child takes an extraordinarily long time, especially for international adoptions. This allows you to feel good about things for a while; maybe this random kid will not be coming after all. You will grow up a lot during this time, and your parents will be hoping that this maturing will help with your feelings towards the adoption. It won't. It lulls you into a false sense of security. The change seems like it will never come, so you can just ignore it.
Just when it seems like the adoption may not ever happen, your mom will suddenly decide she is going to fly to Africa to take charge of the legal process. Take advantage of her absence; your dad is clueless. Tell him vague plans; never specify exactly who is going or where. "A bunch of people are going out to dinner," will suffice. Make sure you have something to cover up. Developing something to cover up while your mom is away will enhance your ability to make problems worse once she comes home. A relationship is optimal. The guy doesn't have to be someone they wouldn't approve of, just secret.
Once your mother comes back with your new sister, the game really begins. First, there will be the natural awkwardness. You should take full advantage of this to estrange yourself slightly from the family. The more shy you are initially, the more awkward things will become. When they ask you to watch Mary Poppins, say that you watched it three times with your new sister already. She has watched it at least once a day since she has arrived, so that is completely believable. In general, just avoid spending time with your new sister.
The next step is to turn that shyness into seclusion. At first your parents will not notice because you were so quiet to begin with that there isn't much of a noise difference. When they do start noticing, blame it on homework. This will buy you more time to ostracize yourself. By the time your parents realize that homework is not the main thing keeping you in your room, it will be extremely strange for you to start spending more time trying to adopt your new little sister into the family.
Don't forget about the secrets though! If your "secret" plays soccer, you can use that as an excuse. Slowly stay out later and later playing soccer. You will actually be playing soccer, but your parents will begin to guess that getting a lot of exercise and improving your soccer skills are only secondary reasons. Your primary goals will be spending time with your guy and missing dinner. Missing dinner for playing soccer will really make your parents upset. They will say that you cannot drive the car for a month, although it is more of a punishment for them, since they will have to get up an hour earlier to take you to school. This makes them even more tired and grumpy then usual, furthering the tensions in the family. Start walking everywhere. It will be a nice break from the tensions at home, a wonderful way to spend time with your secret, and create even more tension at home because you will be there even less.
What is important, but not entirely possible, is to resist letting everything get to you. You have to remove your own emotions from the situation. You cannot crack and tell your mom how upset you are. You have to maintain the façade that you are a little bit uncomfortable with your new sister, but you are trying to get used to it.
You are not trying to get used to it. The best way to get used to new things is to state your problems as they come up; don't do it. When your new sister sits at your spot at the dinner table, the one that has been yours for as long as you can remember, don't say anything; wait for your parents to do it. When they don't, realize that this is the physical embodiment of your replacement. Feel taken aback by it; resent the situation. Let all these little things build up inside of you. Think of each infraction as another way in which you are being abandoned—less cared about, less considered, less loved. Take everything personally. (And get to dinner early so you can have your established seat back.)
Take advantage when your parents give you the opportunity to take a cheap shot. When your dad tells you an adoption story, listen carefully. He'll tell you about how when this one kid was adopted, his older brother (4 years old) asked if they could just put the kid out with the trash. Every Wednesday from then on, say, "It's trash night! Can we put her out? Or at least send her back to Africa?" They thought it was cute when the 4-year-old said it, why shouldn't they think it's cute when you are sixteen and doing the same thing? They won't think it's cute. At first they will take it in stride, but after a few weeks, they will get pissed at you. Your dad, the one who gave you the idea in the first place, will say that you have taken it too far. He will again say, "You aren't trying to adjust. Your mother does so much for you, do this one thing for her." Of course, it is not just one thing. It is a million tiny things, and a couple huge things. You have to share your bathroom with another person, ask another person if they would like some every time you bake, drive a carpool or two, take all new family photos, and love someone you don't know as a sister. You don't even get along with your older sister, how are you supposed to deal with another one?
"If our family was a family in a raft, all trying to row up stream, you would be the one trying to break the raft by sticking your oar through the bottom of the boat."
Things in the family will be rough. You have a new little sister who doesn't really speak English and has crazy behavior problems; your older sister is going to college in a few months and dealing with that transition; and then there is you, the one whose only problem is that she is always gone. Soon your parents will be at their limit of tolerance. They will start telling you that you have to be home all the time, and will let you out only for school purposes. Say that you are doing homework with other people. It will serve two purposes; you will get to spend a lot of time with your friends, relaxing you, and it will give you more time away from your family, making things worse.
Eventually, things will get so bad your parents start to crack. Your mom will start crying all the time, talking about how she is a bad mother and she can't handle the adoption. Telling her that she is a good mother and that you love her is pretty much impossible to resist, because she is a great mother and you do love her, you're just a little mad at her. This will take a little away from sinking the family, but it is understandable; you love your mom. You may even do the crazy thing of telling your parents that they should not send your sister back to Africa. They have started to consider it because they are so stressed. This will delay the sinking of the family by a long time, but you know your mom has always wanted three kids, and you want her to be happy.
After you support your parents through their most pessimistic time, go back to being secluded and unsupportive; you can't support what is ruining your life for that long. Express your regret for helping them stick with it. This will be the most hurtful thing you could say, or at least it seems that way from the looks on their faces.
After several months, your parents will have noticed that you are not doing as much homework as you pretend to, and that you are secluding yourself purposefully, and they will get really frustrated and angry. Keep it up. One day, after a week or two of you only eating outside the house, your mother will call you into the spare bedroom. She will sit you down on the couch. She will look you in the eye. She will look exasperated and worn. You will probably feel a little sorry, but keep your feelings in. She will start telling you about why she wanted to adopt, and what family means to her. Listen respectfully. Once she has told you all of her good intentions, she will tell you that she realizes some of this might affect your life in some ways. Realize that that is the understatement of a lifetime. Be skeptical when she comes to the next part of her "chat" with you. She will ask you how you think the adoption is affecting your life. Tell her she is ruining your life. Tell her the whole truth—you feel like the house is not home, people only ask you how your little sister is doing, you don't get to use the TV any more because my sister always gets it, she always tries to take your seat at the dinner table, your mom and dad are more stressed so they are harder on you, the bathroom is even more messy than before, it is harder to get bathroom time, and you feel replaced. She will appear to take all this in, but looks can be deceiving.
She will start telling you her metaphor. "If our family was a family in a raft, all trying to row up stream, you would be the one trying to break the raft by sticking your oar through the bottom of the boat." I know it's impossible, but try to show no emotion. It's okay if you can't help it; according to your mom you have already succeeded in sinking the family.