Hi there! I saw your posting in soc.religion.christian asking for jokes. Here's what my officemate and I came up with. I hope this is what you were looking for :-) What's the only car authorized in the Bible? Honda Accord - "All the disciples were together in one accord." What's the first motorcycle in the Bible? "Moses' Triumph was heard throughout the land" First tennis? Joseph served in Pharaoh's courts First baseball? "In the beginning (big inning)" Ever hear what happened in the first baseball game? There was a blackout. "In the big-inning there was darkness" What did the Egyptians do when it got dark? Turned on the Israel-lights. Who are the 3 shortest men in the Bible? Nehemiah (Knee-high miah), Bildad the Shuite (Shoe-height), and the smallest, Peter, who slept on his watch. Who in the Bible had no father? Joshua, son of Nun (None). I'd be interested in any others you collect!! Please mail 'em to belville@athena.mit.edu. Thanks, and enjoy! Sharon Belville Project Athena Documentation I really appreciate the jokes..here are a few that I heard of: Why is Mose the most evil man in the old testiment? He broke all the ten commandment. Who is the straightest man in the Bible? Joseph. He is a ruler. Thanks again. .Ray. Why didn't Jesus get into medical school? He got nailed on his boards. In article <1992Aug31.172252.3908@island.COM>, fester@island.COM (Mike Fester) writes: Jesus and Moses are playing golf one day. Moses tees up and hits a beautiful drive, straight up the fairway. Jesus tees up his ball and swings with all of his might, but he slices the ball off into a nearby water trap. Cursing, he walks across the water to retrieve his ball, and then returns and re-tees the ball. Moses says "You want me to give you a few pointers?", but Jesus shoots him a dirty look and says "This isn't that hard. If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." So he takes another shot, but slices it into the water trap again. Again he walks across the water, retrieves his ball, and walks back to try again. Again Moses offers him some pointers, but again he refuses. "If Arnold Palmer can do it, I can do it." This continues for some time, until the group behind catches up. When Jesus strolls across the water to retrieve his ball, one of the amazed golfers says, "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" Moses looks at him and smirking says "No, he thinks he's Arnold Palmer." =========================== After practicing for a while, Jesus is once again on the golf course, this time with Moses and an old man. Jesus and Moses drive beautifully, landing the ball near the green on the par three hole. The old man drives, but it slices off towards the water trap. Just before it goes into the water however, a fish jumps and catches the ball in it's mouth, at the same instant an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish. The bird flys out over the green and the fish slips from it's talons. Flopping on the ground, the ball pops from the fishes mouth and rolls into the hole. Jesus turns to the old man and says "You know dad, I really hate playing anything with you." Tom Schmidlin DEEP THOUGHTS: By Jack Handey - If God dwells inside TES0@LEHIGH.EDU us, like some people say, I sure hope he likes 215-758-0865 enchiladas, cause that's what he's getting. Three Japanese guys are killed one day while playing golf. Their cart goes over a cliff and they are smashed on the shore below. They find themselves at the gates of Heaven, and are greeted by Saint Peter. "What the hell are you doing here?" asks Peter. "You're Shinto." "Well, we're here already; can we just come in, since we already made the trip?" they ask. Peter isn't sure, so he tries to contact God. But it's a weekend, so God doesn't pick up the phone, and Peter has to beep him. When He gets back to Peter, he tells him to ask them a simple question about Christianity. if they get it, they can come in. Peter turns to the first Japanese guy. "Tell me about Easter." he says. The first says, "Ah, Easter. Everybody happy. Everybody together. Big family. Rots of presents, big tree, colored lights. Easter." Peter sighs and turns to the second guy. "Tell me about Easter," he says. The second guy says, "Ah, Easter. Everybody happy. Family together. Fireworks. Bands play. Picnics together. Red, white, and blue. Easter." Peter sighs agains and turns to the last guy. "Tell me about Easter," he says. The third guy says, "Ah, Easter. Everybody sad. Jesus, die on cross. Then, three days later, everybody happy. Everybody together. Jesus, rise from dead. Sees his shadow, six more weeks of winter!" Note: the message you are about to post will be sent to thousands of machines and will be read by thousands, if not tens of thousands of people worldwide. Be sure you know what you are doing. Never stopped me before. kml%cellar@tredysvr.tredydev.unisys.com - My other account is a Mercedes. Well, I'm sure that a lot of you know this one, but here goes anyway. Have you heard about the dyslexic, insomniac agnostic? He stays awake night after night wondering if there really is a dog. -- Virgilio "Dean" Velasco Jr., CWRU grad student & roboticist wannabee "Bullwinkle, that man's intimidating a referee!" | My boss is a "Not very well. He doesn't look like one at all." | Jewish carpenter. I have two: Q: What is the difference between Europe and America? A: In Europe, they have only two religions and many kinds of cheese, while in America there are many religions and only two kinds of cheese. (My apologies to people from Wisconsin, where they actually do have many kinds of cheese and not just "orange" and "white"). The second joke works pretty well in churches that still have the old bell in the steeple: I used to attend church in an old fashioned church, with a steeple and a bell that was pulled by a rope, and all the old fashioned trappings of the 19th century. Every Sunday morning, the head usher would pull on the rope and get the bell to start ringing to signal that worship would begin in a few minutes. Well one warm Sunday in June, he took his normal heave at the rope, and was shocked and surprised when the rope came tumbling down from the steeple and was draped all over him, with one frayed end. The rope had broken after many long years of service. He wasn't quite sure what to do, and was about to forget the whole thing, when one newcomer to the church said that he thought he could get the bell to ring. Giving his assent, the head usher watched as the man climbed up into the steeple, being sure to keep his suit and tie from getting dust on them. When he finally got to the platform near the bell, he ran headlong into the bell, causing it to reverberate like never before. The people gathered below marveled at the sound, for just a minute, since the man had been knocked unconscious from the blow and had fallen to his death below. Standing in silence, as the bell tones had died away, one woman asked who the fellow was. Her friend, looked at him and said "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell." . [Don't stop yet, it gets worse....] When the next week came, they still hadn't replaced the rope. Yet another gentleman climbed up into the steeple and took his turn at ringing the bell. Once again, the most pleasant noise emanated from the bell because of the unusual way it had been rung. And once again, the most unfortunate set of circumstances occurred as the second man fell to his death. As the crowd peered at him from a circle, the same old lady spoke up "Who is this fellow?" and once again, her friend replied "I don't know, but he is a dead ringer for that fellow who was here last week." [I told you it got worse...] **************************************************************************** Cliff Slaughterbeck * Dept. of Physics, FM-15 * Hey Matt! The diffusion pump is full of University of Washington * water again! Seattle, WA 98195 * **************************************************************************** >This from the "Pontius Puddle" strip in a recent United Church Observer: Here's another one from Pontius' Puddle: Pontius: Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice when He could do something about it. Friend: What's stopping you? Pontius: I'm afraid God might ask me the same question. -- Jon Reid j-reid@uiuc.edu GEnie: THE.REIDS "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." There once was a man who lived his life completely for himself. He spent many years amassing a great fortune by investing stocks and buying companies and the like. Finally, the day before his 35th birthday he thought, ``Great, tommorrow I stop working, enjoy my fortune, and live life to the full.'' However, that night, he died of a heart attack. He found himself standing outside the pearly gates. There he saw Peter reading the `Heavenly Times.' Great fear overtook this man as he realised that all this stuff about heaven and hell was really true, and he had no assurance that he was heaven bound. So he sheepishly approached Peter and quietly said ``Excuse me.'' ``Yes,'' said Peter, looking a bit annoyed at being desturbed from reading the newspaper. ``Do I get to go to heaven?'' asked the man. ``Well, I wasn't expecting anyone just now,'' replied Peter, ``let me look in the book of life.'' So Peter looked through the book of life, they tried variant spellings of the mans name, all possible ways in which the man might be in the book of life. Finally Peter had to say, ``No, sorry, I just don't see your name there.'' ``But there has to be some mistake,'' replied the man, quaking with fear. ``Well,'' said Peter, ``did you do any good thing in your life?'' The man thought and thought, and finally blurted out, ``Yes !! I once gace 50 cents to a beggar, and then I did give a dollar to a charity.'' ``Hmmm,'' replied Peter, ``let me go and talk to God about this,'' So Peter went off, being careful to take the keys to heaven with him. The man waited and waited, and finally back came Peter. ``So what happened,'' said the man with great anticipation. ``Yes,'' said Peter, ``there has been some mistake. Here is your $1.50 back.'' ----------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a certain man born of humble surroundings, who lived a quiet life, and never became rich or important. But throughout his life, he always was careful to serve God in every way he could, praying and reading his Bible, seeking out God's will. Finally, he died, and he found himself at the gates of heaven. As he entered, he noticed that there was a great deal of work going on. All the angels and archangels were busy spring cleaning, making sure that heaven looked really nice. ``What is going on,'' he asked a passing angel. ``Why, the arch-bishop of Nucibar just died, and we are working very hard to make sure that we give him a really good welcome.'' The man was a little hurt. ``But how can it be. Although my life seemed unimportant in the eyes of man, I did all that I was supposed to do. Why is it that this man who had so much worldly attention should also get all the attention in heaven?'' ``Well,'' replied the angel, ``this is the first arch-bishop we have had here for for 500 years.'' [No offence meant --- I think this joke actually originated from an arch-bishop.] --------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the cannibal who ate a Lutheran, a Catholic and a Charismatic? He had ecumenical movements. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Who was the greatest financier of all time? Noah, because he floated his stock while the rest of the world went into liquidation. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Stephen Montgomery-Smith I thought you guys might like this: ------- Forwarded Message After 40 days and 40 nights the ark runs aground and the flood subsides. Noah kicks open the ark's door and says "Behold, the flood has ended! All you animals go forth and multiply!" So the animals wander down the ramp two by two until it's the snakes' turn. They look up at Noah with tearful eyes and say, "But Noah, we cannot multiply, for we are adders." Noah is visibly miffed. Off he goes into the nearest forest and cuts down some trees. He saws and hammers away until he has made a table out of the wood. He drags this back to the ark and puts it in front of the snakes with a huff. "Behold, snakes! I have built a table of logs. Now you adders can multiply!." ------- End of Forwarded Message Awful, huh... :) Love, Wendy What is the first medicine mentioned in the Bible? God gave Moses two tablets... Cheers, Mark W. Moormans Project Athena Documentation Group MIT Bldg E40-390, Cambridge MA 02139 (617) 253-0117 Q: Do you know where automobiles are mentioned earliest in history? A: It is when God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in his Fury. Har. I hope you are keeping a collection of these. Cheers, Mark W. Moormans Project Athena Documentation Group MIT Bldg E40-390, Cambridge MA 02139 (617) 253-0117 What were the greatest banking transactions mentioned in the Bible? 1. When Pharoah's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a little prophet 2. When Moses led the Children of Israel to the Banks of the Jordan :-) Cheers, Mark W. Moormans Project Athena Documentation Group MIT Bldg E40-390, Cambridge MA 02139 (617) 253-0117 (Edited for Christian distribution) The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked theMonsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion to work and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are ten commandments, not twelve. 3. There are twelve disciples, not ten. 4. We do *not* refer to the cross as the "Big T". 5. The recommended grace before meals is *not* "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". 6. David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him. 7. Do *not* refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and the apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are *never* referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. -- Anonymous A Sunday school teacher was telling her class about Noah and his adventures in the arc. "So do you think Noah did a lot of fishing?", she asked the class. "How could he," said one bright girl, "with only two worms?" - From our local Transit information flyer - -- = Rob Dar-Woon = Simon Fraser University = -- Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com. Do not use the old site of "looking.on.ca" please. Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. I got this from Alon Efrat at the Technion, Isarel. Why God Never Received Tenure at the University ----------------------------------------------- 1. Because He had only one major publication. 2. And it was in Hebrew. 3. And it had no references. 4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that He created the world but what has He published/done since ? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a very rough time trying to repeat His results. -- Selected by Maddi Hausmann. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply. Remember: Always give your jokes a descriptive "Subject:" line. Don't use "joke" or "submission" or "joke submission," please. ----------------------------Original message---------------------------- >Newsgroups: bit.listserv.christia >From: stephens@plains.NoDak.edu (Ben Stephenson) >Subject: Re: Riddle? >Organization: North Dakota Higher Education Computing Network >Date: Sat, 8 May 1993 02:46:31 GMT > Who was the shortest man in the Bible? A. Well, most people think of Zacchaeus (Luke 19:3;) but what about Knee-high-miah (Nehemiah 1:1) or Bildad the Shoe-height (Job 2:11.) Actually, the shortest man in the Bible *must* have been Peter -- he slept on his watch! (Matthew 26:40.) Ooops, you got me started: Q. Who was the most successful investor in the Bible? A. Noah: he floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation. Q. Who was the best actor in the Bible? A. Samson: he brought the house down. Q. What illness claimed Samson's life? A. Fallen arches. Q. Who is the first person mentioned in the Bible? A. Chap 1. (Warning: flame me and the jokes will get worse.) :-) ******************************************************************************* * B e n S t e p h e n s o n * "Walk as if the next step would carry you * * ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ * across the threshhold of heaven. PRAY. * * stephens@plains.NoDak.edu * The saint who advances on his knees never * * North Dakota State University * retreats." -- James Elliot (1927-1956) * ******************************************************************************* Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matt 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. Elvis dated Cybil Shepherd. Jesus was part of the Trinity. Elvis' first band was a trio. Jesus walked on water. (Matt 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g., 5 banana splits for breakfast) Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to Matthew) Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden Tribute) "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow." (Matt 28:3) Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. Jesus lived in a state of grace in a Near Eastern land. Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate Conception High School. Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered to be his foremost recordings. Jesus was the lamb of God. Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. Jesus' Father is everywhere. Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. Jesus was a carpenter. Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. Jesus wore a crown of thorns. Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold plate. Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through TV. Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. Elvis Presley has 12 letters. No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. Jesus, the water walker and church founder, was a ray of hope to people who lived near Jordan. Ray Walker, of the Jordanairres, was a backup singer for Elvis, went to church near my sister and I had hoped to meet him. Never did. And....people still argue about the color of Jesus' skin. Elvis' daughter married a guy whose skin color people also argue about. On Wed, 28 Jul 1993, marks wrote: > What kind of music will they play at the end of the world? > > A: Apocalypso! ("Day-O, Day-O the Lord...) :-) Jesus come & we wanna go home! Mike The following has been quoted without permission of the original author (I couldn't find hisher name in the forwarded email): ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Why GOD did not receive tenure at any university. 1. He had only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well brothers and sisters, It seems that this weekend the net was full of humor. Maybe it was the Halloween thing, but, in any case, I have found more jokes of good quality than ever before. I thought these were funny enough to pass along. Once again, no creativity on my part, just passing laughs on. Question - Who was the best financier in the Bible? Answer - Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation. Question - What simple affliction brought about the death of Samson? Answer - Fallen arches. Question - What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from the Garden of Eden. Answer - They raised Cain. Question - What are two of the smallest insects mentioned in the Bible? Answer - The Widow's mite and the "wicked flee" Question - In what place did the cock crow when all the world could hear him? Answer - On Noah's ark. Question - What were the Phoenicians famous for? Answer - Blinds. Question - Where was deviled ham mentioned in the Bible? Answer - When the evil spirits entered the swine. Question - Who introduced the first walking stick? Answer - Eve, when she presented Adam with a little Cain. Question - Where is medicine first mentioned in the Bible? Answer - Where the Lord gives Moses two tablets. Question - Where in the Bible does it suggest that men should wash dishes? Answer - In 2 Kings 21:13, "And I will wipe Jerusalem as a man wipeth a dish, wiping it, and turning it upside down." -- +------------------+------------------+-----------------------------+ | Jim Amidei | /_ __ HEWLETT | San Diego Printer Division | | jsa@sdd.hp.com | / //_/ PACKARD | 16399 West Bernardo Drive | | (619) 592-7359 | / COMPANY | San Diego, CA 92127 | +------------------+------------------+-----------------------------+ Hi Everyone, I got a couple more follow up jokes of the same type I posted the other day. Add these to your 'joke database'. Question - What was Paul's occupation? Answer - He was a baker, because he went to Fill-A-Pie (Phillipi). Question - Who was the fattest woman in the Bible? Answer - The woman of Some-Area (Samaria). Question - Who in the Bible had no parents? Answer - Joshua, son of none (Nun). -- +------------------+------------------+-----------------------------+ | Jim Amidei | /_ __ HEWLETT | San Diego Printer Division | | jsa@sdd.hp.com | / //_/ PACKARD | 16399 West Bernardo Drive | | (619) 592-7359 | / COMPANY | San Diego, CA 92127 | +------------------+------------------+-----------------------------+ From: csvjct@admin.ac.edu (Jenna C. Thomas) -------------------------------------------------------------------- >Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in >various church bulletins. >1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help. >2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. >3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and > community. >4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a > nursery downstairs. >5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of > David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. >6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends > of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. >7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies > giving milk will please come early. >8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put > me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. >9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers > Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the > Pastor in his study. >10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward > and lay an egg on the alter. >11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the > ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will > join in. >12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost > of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new > carpet will come foreward and do so. >13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. > They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. >14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. > Music will follow. >15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is > Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. THE CHAIN LETTER OF PAUL THE APOSTLE TO THE CORINTHIANS This epistle comes to you from Philippi. Grace be to you and peace. Spiritual gifts will be delivered unto you within four days of receiving this letter -- providing you in turn send it on. This is no joke. Send copies to whomsoever among the gentiles you would comfort in all their tribulation. Do not send material things. Charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up. While visiting the Household of Stephanas, as Macedonian proconsul received the epistle and was greeted by his brethren with a holy kiss. But he broke the chain, and now he is become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. Gaius bestowed all his goods to feed the poor, and gave his body to be burned, but it profited him nothing. He failed to circulate the letter. However, before his death, he received the unleavened bread of sincerity and truth. Do note the following: Crispus had the gift of prophecy, and understood all mysteries, and all knowledge, and had all faith, so that he could move mountains. But he forgot that the epistle had to leave his hands within 96 hours, and now he is nothing. In A.D. 37, the epistle was received by a young Galatian woman who put it aside to copy and send out later. She was plagued by various problems: thrice she was beaten with rods, once she was stoned, and thrice suffered shipwreck. On the last of the occasions, she spent a night and a day in the deep. Finally, she copied the letter. A trumpet sounded, and she was raised incorruptible. Remember: Believeth all things, hopeth all things. The chain never faileth. St. Paul (Not really.) O:) ----------------------------------------------------------------- __ __ __ __ /\ \ /\_\ /\_\ /\ \ Dave Morgan /::\ \ /::| |/:/ / __/::\ \ gt7122a@prism.gatech.edu /:/\:\ \ /:/|| |:/ / /\_\/\:\ \ http:/www2.gsu.edu/~gs01wdm /:/ /\:\ \/::\|| |/ / /:/ /\ \:\_\ /:/_/ l:l l/\::| |_/ /:/ /\:\ \/_/ \:\ \ l:l l_/|:| |_l_/:/ /\ \:\_\ \:\ \/:/ / |:| |::::/ /\:\ \/_/ \:\/:/ / |:| |~~~~~~ \:\_\ \__/_/ \|_| \/_/ From: Dale Lundy <73740.151@compuserve.com> Date: 05 Jan 96 23:38:19 EST Subject: Humor: The Perfect Pastor and How to Get One Friday January 5, 1996 Listers, The following was given to me by a member of our congregation who is married to a Catholic. This apparently is making the rounds in Catholic bulletins, and I thought any of you who hadn't seen it might find it amusing. THE PERFECT PASTOR AND HOW TO GET ONE With the current shortage of priests in the United States, it is most unfortunate that some Catholics remain dissatisfied with the performance of their own pastors. A chain letter making the rounds of an archdiocese offers a possible solution for remedying the incompatibility between pastors and parishioners. The letter says: The results of a computerized study indicate the perfect pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin but never upsets anyone. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $50 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car and gives about $50 weekly to the poor. He is 28 years of age and has been preaching 30 years. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers and spends all his time with senior citizens. The perfect pastor smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his work. He makes 15 calls daily on parish families, shut-ins and hospitalized; he spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched and is always in his office when needed. If your pastor does not measure up, simply send this letter to six other parishes that are tired of their pastors too. Then bundle up your pastor and send him to the church at the top of the list. In one week, you will receive 1,643 pastors and one of them should be perfect. Have faith in this letter. One church broke the chain and got its old pastor back in less than three months. Dale Lundy Manchester, MO 73740.151@compuserve.com A dear friend sent this to me recently, I do not know the author... ------------------------------------- There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not. As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during you life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven." "You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?" "Well yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time." Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the vaious documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God. Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and angels came running to the Pope's side to learn the cause of his dismay. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on the parchment, Repeating over and over, "There's an 'R', There's an 'R'!!!" "Look, the word is celibrate, not celibate!" -- Selected by Jim Griffith. MAIL your joke to funny@clari.net. This newsgroup is sponsored by ClariNet Communications Corp. Read about The Internet Joke Book -- the best of RHF at http://www.clari.net/inetjoke.html George Butterfield moderates the Restoration forum from Abilene From: George Butterfield Date: Fri, 26 Apr 1996 12:40:58 +0200 (IST) Subject: Getting married in heaven (fwd) There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St.Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" St. Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment for two weeks from Wednesday." Come the appointed day, the couple were escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again." Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again the Lord God Almighty said, "Please you must wait another five years and then I will consider your request." Finally, they come before the Lord God Almighty the third time, ten years after their first request, and ask the Lord again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, they just couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here in heaven, do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?" George Butterfield gbutterf@bible.acu.edu >>From: Ronald Stamps Date: Sun, 25 Aug 1996 22:40:58 +0000 Subject: Could it be true? FIRE! FIRE! During an interfaith meeting someone rushed in and shouted, "FIRE." The METHODISTS immediately gathered in a corner and prayed. The BAPTISTS cried out, "Oh, where's all the water?" The LUTHERANS posted a notice on the door declaring fire to be evil. The CONGREGATIONALIST ran wildly in all directions screaming, "Every man for himself"! The ROMAN CATHOLICS formed a procession behind their priest's robe and marched out as a group. The PENTECOSTALS grinned with 'rapture' and cried out, "it's the vengeance of God"! The MORMONS dialed Salt Lake City for further instructions. The CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS agreed among themselves there really was no fire. The JEWISH population saw the whole scenario as an anti-Semitic exercise. The EPISCOPALIANS appointed a chair-person to select a committee to seach for the source of the fire and make a written report. And the CHURCH OF CHRIST people couldn't agree among themselves as the correct definition of 'fire.' Fortunately, the town agnostic called 9-1-1. (:])