By GENE KIMBLE

It has recently been revealed by an anonymous source that the Chinese-Martian settler to be beatified is, in fact, not a martyr. The source says that some on the beatification committee are aware of this and are still pushing for sainthood.

By WENDY DARLING

Darling Readers, are you looking for mysterious Jewish artifacts? Joshua Rosen has been collecting strange Jewish artifacts with Hebrew writing on them.

By WENDY DARLING

Darling Readers, what a wonderful art show! Tonight people gathered to watch and listen as four experts gae their opinions on three pieces of art which included "The Flight from Eden," "Fast of St. Nicholas," and "The Transfiguration of Death."

By GENE KIMBLE

At approximately midnight Monday night, this reporter was shot once in the back on the fourth floor of building 24. Piera Dagostino, the city's sewer engineer, who accompanied me to building 24, has not been seen since.

By GENE KIMBLE

In recent days, the impoverished regions of India, Africa, and South America have been requesting greater and greater reparations in payment for past injustices.