By WENDY DARLING

Darling Readers, Mr. Darjeeling's head has exploded!!!! Today out of nowhere Mr. Darjeeling dropped dead from an explosion of the head.

By WENDY DARLING

Darling Readers, my fellow reporter, Gene Kimbell has been killed!

By OLIVER GODWIN

There have been several more deaths tonight. Mr. Kimble, my colleague, was killed; his body was apparently dumped in the sewers some time yesterday, so there is little evidence as to what happened. I mourn his passing, for the world of journalism will be lessened without him.

By DESIRAE VAN KIRK

The wedding of local lawyer Mario Cammarata and American film star Desirae Van Kirk will occur on Friday at 9 pm in the Sistine Chapel, immediately following the conclusion of the Vatican Collection Exhibition. All are invited to attend this social event of the season, with reception and refreshments to follow in Cardullo's bar. Father Nunzio Salerno will officiate, with Guiseppe Refa and artist Andrea Worhall as best man and maid of honor.

By OLIVER GODWIN

The British Ambassador, James Bond, gave this speech today to a small audience; because most people were not able to attand, I have reproduced it here in its entirety.

By OLIVER GODWIN

The amnesiac known as Arthur Montcrief has caused to be delivered to me the following message; he left it behind in such a way that I would recieve it after his death. It is worth noting for the last paragraph that Mr. Kimble is dead, and appears to have died somewhat before Mr. Montcrief. Two sections have been redacted at the request of the people mentioned in them; there are notes indicating such. There were some typos in the original, which I have tried to maintain; there may be additional transcription errors, for which I apologize.