Review:The Dialogues of Brother Finbogg

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A Review of 'The Dialogues of Brother Finnbogg' : Fact, Fiction, or Flatulent Fury?

Tzalin (AP) -- Once in a long while, there comes a book which grips the minds and souls of its readers, forever altering the way one thinks and feels. While you're waiting for it to come along, however, you might want to try reading this book.

The tale of the life of Finnbogg, recorded by the venerable (or perhaps venomous) monk himself in a series of tales and anecdotes, spans several decades. It is quickly apparent that in the course of his rather colorful life, he was widely traveled; thus the subject matter and setting varies wildly from section to section. Indeed, only the common thread (or perhaps threat) seems to be his desire for enlightenment and understanding of the world around us.

The early chapters recount his first lessons as a novice: Don't stick your nose into the mustard jar and inhale deeply, don't go out on a snipe hunt, don't bend over in the monestary shower, and other such pertinent advice. Some could indeed learn from these lessons.

Yet, the true wisdom of his words is only revealed after he is let loose upon the world. When he goes to judge the philosophy of the other races, the result of asking "How do you skin a cat" was 2 dead, 1 wounded, 2 unharmed. Only an astute reader would notice this upon first reading. This reviewer modestly notes that he did so after only three readings and only had to check the Cliffsfall Notes twice.

Even so, one should quickly deduce that one the crucial hidden lesson in the tale is that enlightenment only comes with a 50% or higher casualty rate. Conventional wisdom, of course, holds to the view that 40% should be sufficient for simple lessons.

Keep this lesson to heart, Finnbogg soon is ordained as a monk, _magna cum horrore_, and sets out upon the path to True Enlightenment. However, he makes it clear that he is not averse to taking a number of detours, backtracking and backsliding occassionally, and even cutting a new path along the road of life.

In this vein, he crosses the continent, leaving a swath of broken bodies, bleeding hearts, and empty chest cavities. He notes that times were hard and the rocks even harder. Yet, he persevered so that he might learn from his mistakes. It is said that he prayed for "The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."

One series of diary entries reveals the hardships of life on the road; at the time he was travelling with a number of companions: Scathan, Andrew, and Quenar among others. Here, Finnbogg learns hard lessons about bargaining and how a sword can cut two ways:


Entry #1413: Bartering over broadsword with Quanar. He wanted 5gp. While he was whining, about 15 trolls set upon us. I killed them with some help. They did not have much money. Scathan got hit on the head with 2 rocks. He was not very usefull. Must teach him how to duck. I give Quanar the 5gp, then give sword to Andrew cuz he broke Scathans sword. I regret ever learning to use a sword.

Entry #1422: We're travelling towards some volcano to pickup some sword Quanar wants. Couldn't he have bought one at the last city? My feet hurt.

Entry #1493: Quanar talks to horse. He gives sword to horse. Horse gives him necklace. Quanar is not very good at haggling. One wonders why I couldn't get the broadsword for less than 5gp. Maybe I should have given him a necklace too.


Those looking for insight into dreams and signs of the future can take heart. Finnbogg reveals his experiences and wisdom also:


Entry #1423: Had very disturbing dream today. Dreamt I was 4th level physicist in some nasty dungeon. Didn't get to kill anything. Very depressing.

Those interested in love can see the master in action:


Entry #1313: Fireballs are hot. My pants were burnt off. Mage ran away though. I decided to look behind the altar. Altar boy was hiding there. Very suspicious. Had to strip search him. Have to remember: Don't expose yourself behind the altar.

Practical advice is also present for the cluefully disadvantaged:


Entry #1470: We fly away. I must remember how I did this. Whenever I really need to fly, it just sort of comes to me and I can do it, but it would be nice to fly whenever I wanted. When you spit while you're flying, it will hit your face.

However, the real meat of the book lies in his detailed and clear expositions on combat and enlightenment through malicious wounding. I quote from his expedition to determine whether the world was shaped like a burrito. Clearly, one is riveted by the details and blow-by-blow commentary:


Entry #1623: We explore monastary. Looks like they were overrun. I find old guy in one of the buildings. He seems to be a master. I lock rest of party outside and chat with him.

Entry #1624: CENSORED

Entry #1625: There is a fight. I yell "There can be only one", and ... CENSORED


With the publication of this book, one hopes that Finnbogg is done adventuring and will content himself with inflicting his wisdom upon the land in a literary manner. Yet, rumors of a sequel persist. One can be assured that any such book will be a sure best-seller...