This is a record of Philip Tan's conversation with the incredibly annoying TechSupportGuy.
9 May 1998


Tech Support: (muzak playing)...Thank you for calling ABC Technology Solutions. All our operators are busy helping other customers at the moment. Please stay on the line and we'll get to (CLICK) ABChowcanIhelpyou?

Caller: I have a problem with my machine!

Tech Support: What exactly is the problem with your machine? 

Caller: I can't see anything on the screen.

Tech Support: Verify that your monitor is turned on. 

Caller: Yes, the monitor is on.

Tech Support: Check and make sure your brightness isn't turned down. Some people like to play practical jokes with that.

Caller: Now I see a very bright blank screen.

Tech Support: That's weird. Monitors aren't supposed to be like that.

Caller: You're telling me.

Tech Support: How do you know the problem is with our product?

Caller: Your company built this machine!

Tech Support: What's the serial number for the product?

Caller: 092-3000-1998-2293A.

Tech Support: What sort of system are you running?

Caller: It's a Dell XP-1200.

Tech Support: Which version of the software are you using?

Caller: I'm running Windows 95.

Tech Support: I heard that Microsoft software can be buggy.

Caller: Do you think Windows is causing this problem?

Tech Support: I don't think you have the latest version of our software.

Caller: Oh. Then how do I get the software update?

Tech Support: Check your manual for more info on how to get the software update.

Caller: The manual says: "Call the Tech Support Guy".

Tech Support: Have you looked in the manual? The manual should give you some help in troubleshooting your problem.

Caller: The manual doesn't tell me what to do with a blank screen.

Tech Support: I think blank screens really bad for your eyes. Get another screen.

Caller: (ugh) I've got another screen, and it's not showing anything too.

Tech Support: Where did you purchase your monitor from?

Caller: I bought it from your online store.

Tech Support: I can't seem to find anything wrong here. What happens when you reboot the system?

Caller: Oh, now I see the Windows logo.

Tech Support: What happens when you enter your password?

Caller: Wait, I can't move my mouse.

Tech Support: Will you be needing to move your mouse on a regular basis?

Caller: Well, duh.

Tech Support: I'm not sure if I really understand your problem. What's the actual trouble?

Caller: I can't move my mouse to click in the password window.

Tech Support: Check whether your CAPS LOCK key is down. Sometimes that screws up passwords.

Caller: The problem is with the mouse.

Tech Support: What sort of mouse do you have?

Caller: It's a Dell mouse.

Tech Support: Try moving the switch at the bottom of the mouse that says 'PS/2' and 'MS'. 

Caller: Okay, I've entered the password.

Tech Support: Perhaps you are mixing up your passwords for different services. You should keep a record of them carefully.

Caller: I've got all my passwords written down on a paper.

Tech Support: Don't write your password down anywhere. That is a major security hole.

Caller: Whatever. Now the screen's gone blank again.

Tech Support: There doesn't seem to be anything wrong over here. Does this happen when you try this on another system?

Caller: The other systems are all fine.

Tech Support: I think we have another software package that should take care of your problem. How urgently do you need this fixed?

Caller: Right away!

Tech Support: I don't think we can rush you the fix in time. Does anyone in your company use the same software?

Caller: Everyone here uses Microsoft office.

Tech Support: On a Microsoft system you should only run Microsoft products. Bill Gates hates everybody else.

Caller: Okay, but we're not running anything else.

Tech Support: What does the opening menu of the system show you when it starts up?

Caller: I can't click on the menu.

Tech Support: How often do you usually click on the menu?

Caller: It's never possible to click on the menu before the screen blanks.

Tech Support: At this point lights should be blinking on your computer.

Caller: No, all the lights are black.

Tech Support: Isn't there anyone who can help you in your company?

Caller: My IS manager said 'call the tech support guy'!

Tech Support: I guess that's that for your problem.

Caller: What? You haven't fixed anything!

Tech Support: Tell me, are there other problems associated with this one?

Caller: I don't know! It's just not working!

Tech Support: Why aren't you sure?

Caller: Why are you being so annoying to me?

Tech Support: I don't think I'm being annoying. I'm just trying to solve your problem.

Caller: Well, for your information, you're being snotty to me.

Tech Support: I advise that you get a faster computer. There shouldn't be any problems with your current system, but I've heard of problematic reports regarding your type of case.

Caller: Great. That doesn't help me at all.

Tech Support: This is an interesting problem. I'm not sure how to deal with this, so I'm logging it and letting the other reps take a look at it. We'll get back to you immediately. *Click*