Colorblind Love
I met my wife Aretha in the fall of 1997; she had just moved from Portland, Oregon, to my hometown of Portland, Maine. By Christmas we were dating, and before we knew it we were both graduating and heading to Boston for college. We’re now happily married and have a one-year-old baby girl. It sounds like a classic high school sweetheart romance, right? Well, to us, yes. But to many people, we’re “different”. These people’s views have nothing to do with our love, our relationship, or our daughter. They have to do with race. Yes, I’m talking about the mere color of our skin. My wife is Black and I am White. We’re both Americans, born on the same soil and raised within the same language and popular culture—all variables are equal except for our skin color. Yet many people see us as two entirely different types of people who do not belong together, as if Cupid’s arrows discriminate. Have these bigots ever bothered us? Of course, we’ve been affected in some ways. But overall, we thank them for their ignorance, as our relationship has only grown stronger. For instance, if we’re at the mall and a few people stare at us or point in our direction, we smile and wrap our arms around each other even tighter.
A major reason we receive stares and assume special status is not only because of people’s views, but also because we are relatively rare. Slavery was abolished almost 140 years ago and our own parents witnessed the civil rights movement of the 1960’s. So why do interracial marriages still only account for 2.9 percent of all American marriages according to the latest U.S. Census data? Or more specifically, why do Black/White couples like Aretha and me account for only 0.7 percent? Of course there is no simple answer to this question; researchers and writers have been studying this phenomenon for decades.
Understanding some history of interracial marriage helps begin to put things into perspective. For centuries, harsh laws called “antimiscegenation laws” prohibited interracial unions and carried severe legal consequences for violations. Randall Kennedy, Harvard professor and author of Interracial Intimacies: Sex, Marriage, Identity, and Adoption, says that in 1913 “Wyoming became the last state to impose a statutory impediment to marital miscegenation, [and] forty-one others had already enacted similar laws… Every state whose Black population reached or exceeded 5 percent of the total eventually drafted and enacted antimiscegenation laws.” These laws were frequently enforced and although they varied from state to state, prison sentences for violations averaged from one to ten years.
In 1887 Ohio became the first state to repeal its antimiscegenation laws. Kennedy notes that no other state followed for sixty-four years, until Oregon did so in 1951. But no year was more important than 1967. In that year a White man, Richard Loving, and his Black wife, Mildred Jeter, were arrested in Virginia because their District of Columbia marriage license was invalid within Virginia’s borders. Lower court judge Leon Bazile ruled that Loving and Jeter could choose between a twenty-five year exile from Virginia or elect to serve a one-year prison sentence. In his article “Far From Heaven,” columnist Michael Lind quotes Bazile’s ruling: “Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents…The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.” However, the Supreme Court ruled in the case of Loving v. Virginia that it was unconstitutional for states to ban interracial marriage. This ruling made it illegal for the sixteen states that still had antimiscegenation laws to actually enforce them.
The year 1967 is also important because Hollywood finally produced and marketed a major film highlighting interracial intimacy in a positive light when Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? featured a White woman and a Black man in love. Kennedy mentions that the film was controversial because even though general acceptance of interracial dating and marriage was slowly increasing over time, there was still much opposition. In fact, a 1964 poll showed that sixty percent of Whites still supported antimiscegenation laws. However, the film was successful in bringing the issue to the front burner and making a sound social statement.
It’s been over thirty-five years since 1967, so where do we stand today? Well, in 1960, there were 51,000 Black/White marriages. According to the latest U.S. Census data from June 2002, there were 395,000—an almost eight-fold increase in just forty-two years (compared to the total U.S. population growth of 61 percent during this period). Also increasing is society’s acceptance. Maria Root notes in her article “The Color of Love” that a 1997 Gallup poll revealed the highest approval rating of interracial marriages ever by both Black (77 percent) and White (61 percent) Americans. She refers to a similar poll in her book Love’s Revolution: “62% of parents said they would not object if their children dated interracially, although some parents said they would discourage a more serious relationship.” The latter part of this quote signifies that parents seem to be okay with interracial dating as experimentation, but feel altogether different about interracial marriage and biracial children.
In fact, despite the significant increase in the number of interracial marriages and increased acceptance, there are still many obstacles—don’t forget the miniscule percentage of marriages that involve interracial spouses. Root points out that although general acceptance of interracial dating and marriage is on the rise, people tend to be less tolerant when considering a close family member as the potential spouse. Her article elaborates on these “closed families”—families that are not overtly racist and are even accepting of other cultures from a distance. But when encountering interracial relationships first-hand with relatives, these people often disown family by choosing racial bias over blood relations. Closed families may not overtly use racial slurs, but they do their best to pass on ways of thinking that perpetuate racial borders and stereotypes.
Aretha and I are fortunate because almost all of our family members have been supportive of our relationship. Aretha has never really known her father; she can count the number of times she’s seen him. So, it didn’t bother her at all when he decided to disown her because of her relationship with me. James (she calls him by name) doesn’t know what he’s missing—his daughter, his son-in-law, and his granddaughter.
I have a grandmother who fits the “closed family” profile. She has never explicitly said anything to us, but ever since I introduced her to Aretha she has treated me differently. She still sends a birthday card in the mail and still acts happy to see me, but she never calls to ask how her great-granddaughter is doing. When we’re around her, we can sense her implicit disapproval. Sometimes I just wish she would say how she truly feels so maybe we can address her issue and move forward. Fortunately, the rest of our relatives have been great.
One deterring factor from a spouse’s standpoint is not just bigotry, but the possible loss of traditions and culture. This was not a problem for my wife and me because our culture and traditions are very similar. However, many interracial marriages consist of two entirely different cultures. For instance, an Asian Buddhist and a White Catholic may have many difficulties surrounding religion. Or, a Muslim and a non-Muslim may have conflicts over eating pork. These sorts of clashes in culture can be detrimental to a relationship.
Another prominent reservation that many people have when considering interracial dating or marriage is the issue of biracial children, who oftentimes endure a harder childhood because of teasing and the feeling of not fitting in with either race. Parents obviously want the best for their children, and concerns about their children’s best interests may be impeding the spread of interracial marriages. However, as interracial marriages continue to grow, so do the number of multiracial children. I believe that my daughter’s generation will be far more accepting of interracial relations and multiracial children, in large part, because they will be so prevalent.
As you may suspect, socioeconomics and housing segregation also play a major role in the paucity of interracial marriages. Although racial disparities have improved, many Blacks are still very underprivileged. Michael Lind quotes Renee Romano’s book Race Mixing: Black-White Marriage in Postwar America: “Income inequality and school and residential segregation not only act as barriers preventing Blacks and Whites from meeting in situations that might lead to dating, but also continue the racial disadvantages that make Blacks less attractive as marital partners…Marriage between Blacks and Whites will not become commonplace until race is no longer a marker of privilege or disadvantage.” Perhaps interracial marriage in itself can help to solve these disparities.
Related to these class differences is housing segregation, which leads to segregated school systems and limited interaction between races. Take Detroit as an example. A Society article “Racial Patterns Across the United States” says that Detroit has the second highest percentage of Black residents (82.8 percent) for any city with a population of 100,000 or more. If you travel twenty miles west, you’ll be in Livonia, Michigan, which also has a population greater than 100,000 but is 96.5 percent White. Though this is an extreme example, disparities like this can be found in all corners of the country. Look at Boston, where I’m an undergraduate student at MIT. You can be in the all-White Back Bay area and travel just a few blocks into Roxbury and be in neighborhoods that are over 85 percent Black. Housing segregation definitely exists, and without a doubt contributes to racial bias and stereotypes and limits interaction between potential interracial spouses.
Michael Lind refers to the U.S. Military as a prime example of a sub-community that is free of segregation and class differences. The military is a meritocratic establishment and happens to have a much higher rate of interracial marriage than the rest of American society. In fact, White male soldiers are three times more likely than White male civilians, and White female soldiers seven times more likely than White female civilians, to take Black marriage partners. If our society is ever able to be free of racial privileges, we would definitely see similar large increases in interracial dating and marriages.
There are lots of misconceptions about people who engage in interracial relationships, some of which question the love between two people. For instance, some people claim that interracial partners are often seeking spouses of an opposing race in a blatant effort to rebel against something: parents, siblings, or society in general. Another claim, according to Regan Good’s interview with Randall Kennedy, is that Black people only look for White spouses so they can attain a higher class standing. I have also heard the claim that many interracial relationships are based purely on physical attraction and exotic sexual desires, lacking real love. I can attest from my own experience that these are merely misconceptions. I’m sure there are instances when these assumptions could be correct, but they are simply exceptions. These bogus claims, in my opinion, were started by racists who did not approve of interracial intimacy and needed to find some reason for why people would do such a “crazy” thing; they needed to place blame. But what people like this don’t understand is that interracial partners quickly adjust to the differences in skin color and facial features – we do not consciously think about our differences every day. Is it that shocking that we’re very similar to same-race relationships? After hundreds of hours of interviews and research, Maria Root compiled what she calls the “Ten Truths About Interracial Marriage,” some of which I quoted below:
• Love, shared vision, and common values compel an interracial couple to marry, just as do other couples.
• The motives behind interracial marriage seldom include desire to rebel or to make a political or social statement.
• Conflicts within interracial marriages are more likely to arise from cultural, gender, class, social, and personal differences than from racial ones.
• Irreconcilable differences within interracial marriages are similar to those within same-race marriages: loss of respect, unwillingness to compromise, hurtful actions, lack of responsibility, dishonesty, and conflicting values.
• The rate of divorce for interracial marriages is only slightly higher than for same-race couples in the continental U.S., but the gap is quickly closing as divorce rates rise for all marriages.
• Interracial couples can and do produce healthy, well-adjusted children.
My wife and daughter are my whole world; they mean more to me than any MIT education or lucrative Wall Street position. That my feelings for them or our family’s love would ever be questioned because of race is unacceptable. However, let me clarify that we are determined to not be hurt by or worried about racial intolerance and ignorance that has persisted since this country was established. If we are stared at, we will widen our smiles and keep walking proudly. If we are verbally confronted, we will stand our ground and attempt to educate ignorance. We know our daughter will encounter some form of cruelty as a child, and we will do our best to help her understand herself and the world she lives in.
By the end of this century, Whites will no longer be the majority in the United States. Interracial marriages and biracial children will be commonplace—the face of America is indeed changing. Interracial relationships touch many lives, not just those of the spouses: parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even friends. These people are involved with the couple in one way or another, and unless they decide to disown or distance themselves, they inevitably become more racially sensitive and tolerant. These changes can and do have a ripple effect, even though it may be slow. Of course interracial marriages alone cannot solve all problems dealing with race relations. But Maria Root’s article says that couples like Aretha and me help to challenge stereotypes daily, and we increase the tolerance of those who touch our lives, eventually helping to solve perpetual prejudices.
I feel very fortunate to be married to a beautiful Black woman, in part, because I think we are ahead of our time. In a sense, a portrait of my family is like a snapshot of the future. Of course not everyone will interracially marry, but I can assure you that in the future far more than 2.9 percent of marriages will be interracial. Randall Kennedy says that “the most salient fact about interracial intimacies today is that those involved in them have never been in a stronger position, or one in which optimism regarding the future was more realistic.”
Today, calling America a “melting pot” is simply wrong because it’s more like your refrigerator’s vegetable bin: the carrots are separate from the onions, which are separate from the green peppers, and so on. All the vegetables may be in the same bin, but they’re separate, with little interaction between them and some stacked higher than others. As interracial marriages continue to grow and biracial children become more prevalent, we will approach melting pot status; the blender will grind the vegetables. If my grandchildren ever have to write a paper like this, my hope is that it will document success and the achievement of real racial equality.
NOTE: The sources I have used in this essay include: Randall Kennedy, Interracial Intimacies: Sex, Marriage, Identity, and Adoption, Pantheon Books, 2003; Maria Root, Love’s Revolution: Interracial Marriage, Temple University Press, 2001; Maria Root, “The Color of Love,” The American Prospect, 8 Apr. 2002; Michael Lind, “Far From Heaven,” The Nation, 16 Jun. 2003; Regan Good, “Questions for Randall Kennedy: Color Dynamics,” New York Times Magazine, 9 Feb. 2003; “Racial Patterns Across the United States,” Society, Nov./Dec. 2001; United States Census Bureau, "Interracial Married Couples", 12 Jun 2003, http://www.census.gov/population/socdemo/hh-fam/ tabMS-3.pdf.
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