Dear Leah,
I am in quite the predicament. I am in a relationship right now and I am not really happy. I'm not really sure why or what I should do. I'm scared to break the relationship off. I've never dumped anyone before.... Should I break it off with my boyfriend or stick with it?
-cutting loose?
Dear Cutting Loose,
Everyone knows that the break-up of a relationship is emotionally difficult for both parties. There is no easy way to break up with someone, and some will avoid it at all costs. We have even created several stages of being broken up just to avoid those dreaded words. Couples go on "breaks," "take some time apart," "see other people," and "give each other some room." There are also several types of break-ups. Some are clean cut, and others are long and drawn out. The truth is there are several ways to break it off. Some people prefer the quickest and least painful way for themselves. Unfortunately, these are usually the more painful for the ex. You just have to find the right way for you.
One of the hardest parts of being in an intimate relationship is deciding whether it is worth it to keep working through the problems, or if it is time to call it quits. There are several huge hints that the relationship has gone awry. If every time your significant other opens his mouth you feel the urge to strangle him, it might be a good time to end it before anyone gets hurt. When the two people fight more often than they have decent conversations it also might be time to call it off. If you dread it when you hear your cell phone ring for the 12 th time this hour, then you should pick up that phone for the last time. Also, if you feel threatened by your significant other in any way, a break-up is inevitable.
The easiest and least respectable way is a break-up via email. It is a ridiculously impersonal way to end a very personal relationship. But sometimes the relationship was not deep, and in that case the email is a somewhat more acceptable form. An email lets you word what you need to say in the perfect way, and avoids any otherwise awkward moments. One downside to the email/mail route is that you can't tell when your ex receives the mail. I will admit that I have used the email method. I will also admit that I did not really feel any deep attachment to the person, and was really not in the mood for dealing with an emotional boy. However, I do not recommend this way if you have any self-respect. If you are really that scared of confrontation, use a telephone.
Of course, people do not always answer their phones. The only thing worse than breaking up with someone over email is leaving someone a very depressing message on an answering machine. Not only do you run the risk of someone else hearing the message first and embarrassing your ex, but you also might start receiving a whole slew of your own evil messages. One advantage of the answering machine break-up is that it gives you the chance to rehearse beforehand. You could even write down what you want to say and then just read it over the phone. I have to admit that I have not heard of anyone ever doing this that was over the age of twelve.
Another way to break up with someone while also avoiding the situation as much as possible is through an internet instant messaging service. This is a step above the answering machine and the email because it allows some interaction, while keeping a safe distance. Through instant messenger you do not have to see any of your boyfriend's tears, or risk being hurt by a psycho boyfriend.
Another way to avoid those uncomfortable situations is to send someone else to break up with your significant other for you. (I recommend not sending your new boyfriend because that might get ugly.) Usually this kind of technique is left back in middle school. This is only acceptable if you have severe social anxiety. If you fall under this category I don't really know how you were in a relationship to begin with.
Sometimes an acceptable way to end it is over the phone. This is a suitable way for a long-distance relationship to end, since the relationship was based on phone calls to begin with. Over the phone the couple has a chance to discuss the relationship and come to a conclusion together. If that is not possible, the party being dumped at least gets a decent explanation, even if he or she is denied any kind of physical closure, such as a nostalgic last kiss.
My personal favorite technique is falling off the face of the Earth. This can be achieved by completely losing contact-- refusing to return any phone, beeper, cell, and internet messages. You might also have to move away and find a new job. I find people who choose this drastic measure have been through a break-up with this particular person before, usually MANY times before. As awful as it is to ignore someone completely and deny them any explanation of your actions, it is sometimes the only way. You might also need the help of all your friends to avoid your ex too, if you want your location to remain hidden. A good friend of mine was a victim of a missing boyfriend. It took her months to get over the break-up, but between you and me, it was the only way that boy could get away from her.
The last and most obvious option is breaking up in person. It is true that this is also one of the more difficult ways because you see the direct effect of your actions on the other person. If the couple was able to keep themselves composed throughout the entire conversation it wouldn't be so bad. Breaking up in person gives the relationship more closure, and gives the couple time to say anything they feel is necessary before heading their separate ways. Of course, saying whatever they feel is necessary might get a little ugly, which is why the dumper should always make sure they have prepared a good excuse for leaving before they even get there.
The hardest part about breaking-up with someone is figuring out what to say, and how to express your feelings. Most people want to let their significant other down as easy as possible, producing the least possible pain for both parties. Usually people achieve this by blatantly lying. They completely avoid expressing their real feelings and often come up with one of the following excuses: "It's not you, it's me," "I am just really busy right now," or "You deserve better." More often than not the truth is that someone else has come along, feelings have changed, or the couple simply is not happy anymore. Of course, the truth is much more painful than sappy lines, and choosing to reveal it or not should be decided on a situational basis.
The most important step of breaking up is, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOUR EX! Sure, I know people like to stay "friends" after a break up, and that is perfectly acceptable. However, I think there should be a mandatory month-long period with little to no contact with an ex. This time is required to take some distance away from the relationship, and for the dumpee to get over being dumped. Usually this time is spent dwelling on all the things that the other person did to drive you absolutely insane. A month away is absolutely necessary so the dreaded drawn-out break-up can be avoided. Only after this period should any couple try to become friends.
Now you are free to go. The only problem is deciding what to do with all your free time! If during all that free time you realize that maybe you made a mistake, don't be too proud to go crawling back. There's no guarantee your pleas will be accepted, but it is worth a try.
Good Luck and I hope I was of some help!
-Leah |