Super-Sized Family Life

Roommate: "Hey wouldn't it be fun to go to New York for the weekend?"

Me: "Yeah! We could stay with one of my sisters in Brooklyn."

"I thought you said your sister lived in Texas."

"That's a different one."

"Wait, how many sisters do you have?"

"Six."

"WHAT? Any brothers?"

"Three."

"Are you serious?"

This is the typical response I get when I reveal to someone that there are ten kids in my family.   When the shock subsides I am always bombarded with the same questions. "The same two parents? How big is your house? How many bedrooms are there?   Are there any twins?" and more importantly, "How many bathrooms does your house have?" My personal favorite is, "Can you say all your siblings' names really fast?"   Just so you aren't left wondering: yes, not really, 5, no, 3, and CoraAbramJesseMiraIsaacAdaLeahZoëJacobMarita. Finally, everyone wants to know what it is like growing up with a large family.

First of all, growing up in a big family means I was never alone. I cannot remember spending any significant amount of time home alone. I am so accustomed to being around other people that when no one else is around I don't know what to do with myself.   My senior year of high school I used to get out of school early a couple of days a week. I remember how awkward it felt during that precious thirty minutes to myself. My house was uncomfortably quiet, and I usually had to put some music on so I wouldn't notice. The first couple of times I drove a car alone I had the same feeling. Now driving around alone is one of my favorite things to do. Before I could drive I never knew how relaxing a couple of minutes to myself could be.

Learning to share is a necessary skill if you are a part of a big family. When I was growing up NOTHING was strictly mine. Everything in the house seemed to be up for grabs. All the toys were shared, and the clothes had been passed around so much no one was sure what belonged to whom. Not even my own underwear was off limits. I had to periodically make the rounds of my sisters' and brothers' room to find things that had "disappeared" from my own. In my house no one ever expects to find something where they left it. The only way not to go insane searching for stuff all the time is to find some really good hiding spots. The biggest problem with having no real sense of ownership is when it's time to clean the house. It doesn't matter how many times my Dad yells, "Whose Lego's are these?" because no one will answer him. No one claims ownership, and no one claims responsibility.

The hardest thing to share was a bedroom. At one point I shared a room with my younger sister Zoë and my older sister Ada at the same time. It was a disaster! We fought constantly until Jesse went to college and Ada was able to move into the vacated room. As stressful as the experience was, it taught me how to live with all types of people. Now I am worried that maybe I am too used to living with other people. Coming from a place where everything belongs to everyone, I sometimes forget that other people are bothered by someone else using their belongings.

I wasn't too worried about the college roommate situation because I could not wait to move out of my house. Every large family's household is chaotic. Even though my siblings and I are all relatively calm, there was always something going on, and it was never going smoothly. There was always someone who needed to be driven to school, a music lesson, a job, or a game. For the 18 years I lived at home no one in my family was ever on time to anything. Even if I was going somewhere alone I would always hear, "Wait, can you drop Jacob off on your way?" or "I need something picked up at the store on your way home," before I was able to leave. However, with the chaos came a certain amount of freedom. If I left the house it could be hours before anyone noticed. As a teenager I enjoyed the lack of attention, but looking back I realize someone that age should probably still have some kind of supervision. The overall result of living in a chaotic household is the inability of all of us to be organized in any way.

A unique characteristic of a larger family is that the family is constantly evolving. In a small family everything is clearer. The role of each family member is very obvious: there is a mother, a father, an oldest child, a youngest child, a middle child, an aunt, a cousin. The overall personality and collective memory of the family also remains constant. In a large family like mine nothing is that stable. As the older children grow up and move out, the younger kids have to step up to the plate. I noticed a difference in my behavior when it was my turn to be the "oldest child." It was impossible to remain in my responsibility-free bliss as middle child while my parents were glaring at me to take some control. Not even the role of the parents is stable in a large family. It was necessary in my family for the older children to help raise the younger children. Everyone in my family had to share all the responsibilities of each role because otherwise the task is completely overwhelming. The roles of extended family members are even more confusing. My younger sister is 9 months younger than my nephew, and sometimes the relationships I have with my older siblings feels as if they are my aunts or uncles.

The worst quality of a large family is the mental and physical distance among its members. One of the reasons siblings are close is all the nostalgic childhood memories they share. I don't share that with all of my siblings. I literally grew up in a different decade from several of my siblings. The only childhood memory I have of my oldest sister Cora is her leaving for college. Even when I see her now she is more motherly to me than anything else. I can't really blame her for this because the last time we spent any significant time together I was four and did need motherly attention. My strange relationships with my older siblings is partly due to the age difference (23 years from oldest to youngest), but also because they live far away. I know all families eventually move apart, but for smaller families it is much easier for all the members to get together.

It is a rare occasion when my whole family is all together. It happens once a year at Christmas, if it happens at all. But oh what a day that is! The holidays are absolutely insane, and I love it! During the Christmas season I am lucky if I can find even a chair to sleep on. (A big disadvantage to being part of the younger half is that I always lose my bed when company is around. Can you imagine referring to your own siblings as "company?") There are usually at least 40 people in my house on Christmas day. Adults crowd around the dining room, drink coffee, and catch up on the last year, while a pack of children run in circles causing utter chaos wherever they go. As stressful as the screaming children and inevitable family spats can be, spending my holidays any other way would be boring.

I am frequently asked whether or not I want to have a large family when I grow up. Usually I respond, "Do I look insane to you?" I love kids and had a lot of fun growing up in a large family, but I wouldn't want to go through it all again. It is too easy to get lost in the crowd with so many people around. If I have a family of my own I want them to be closer than mine was. I want to be able to spend more time with my children individually and get to know them better. I would also never want to have an only child either. I don't think it is good for a child to receive as much attention as most only children do. I also feel like having an only child just would not be as much fun.   I think most of America has already got it right with a medium sized family of two or three kids. I treasure my experiences from growing up in a super-sized family, but now I am eager to experience the normal-sized family life.