How to Spend An Average Day
Begin your average day by checking that you are currently in California and are working for NASA at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory. Your job there should entail saving the universe on a daily basis. When you've completed that day's work there, you should get on a British Airways flight to Heathrow from Los Angeles International. Use the timezones to your advantage.

Step 1: Save the universe, then go home.

Go home to where you live, which for the sake of argument we'll assume is a town called Retford in North Nottinghamshire. If this is not the case, then the onus of locational improvisation falls upon the reader. As your pet cat may have been missing you, you can take a few minutes out to play with him. If possible, you should attempt to bear a passing resemblance to that David Duchovny bloke off the X Files while doing this. Note that this is not entirely essential, and has been achieved in this photo only because it's a bit out of focus.
[Mental Note: In order to resemble that Agent Whatshisname, hang out with people whose eyes are slightly out of focus; shortsighted people with a tendency to forget to put their contacts in are probably a good place to start.]

Step 2: Play with your pet cat for a bit. Resemble Agent Thingy.

Next, go to Cambridge and the University thereof to get on with doing your degree. Try Engineering - it's nice enough. Better yet, do Engineering but try to fool people into thinking you do an arts subject. It is perfectly acceptable to be a closet English student.
Why not take your parents along with you, and use Cambridge's rather extensive library system to get all your sister's background research done?

Step 3: Do your sister's work when you've got a couple of minutes.

Parents tend to like to see all the architecture around the place, since there's plenty of it. Go for a wander around. Remember that libraries are non-smoking so this could be a good time for your dad to resaturate with nicotine if needs be.

Step 4: Ignore architecture. Pollute local atmosphere.

Once you've done enough of the Prodigal Son routine, send your parents home. Go to where you're living in Cambridge and welcome whatever guests drop by. Try not to be too insulted as they all find your teddy-bear, Norris, to be infinitely more huggable and lovable than you.

Step 5: Be cuckolded frequently by your teddybear.

Okay, okay, get angry with the teddybear. Don't stand for it! State your case clearly, persuasively and forcefully, and if that doesn't work, take you and the bear outside and sort it out like men in a Reservoir Dogs type sense. Be ruthless, use comedy if you have to.

Step 6: Sort it out between you and the bear.

Now get dressed up in all the posey formal academic gear. Next, find a friend who shares a living-room area with you. This person is called Phil. Both of you should make sure that you are elected as scholars of Trinity Hall for this year, so you have to go to the scholar's admission ceremony. (Note that we have used Trinity Hall for this example as it's very light on academic ceremonies and unnecessary formality, which is pretty unusual for a 650 year old college. Pick any Cambridge college you like.)
Chill out beforehand by playing a few games of darts.

Step 7: Play darts in academic attire. Try to hit the dartboard.

Once you've got the ceremony out of the way and got through a reasonable amount of free food and drink, rush back to your room. For this section, you will need to have written a comedy sketch, as you need to perform it for the Footlights at a comedy review. As an example, we will consider a sketch about Open University lecturers trying to buy some pants. To minimise on the people you need to do all this, you should use your lounge-sharing-friend Phil as a comedy partner. First though, have a quick practice run.

Step 8: Practice the sketch. Check that you are funny.

This particular comedy review appears at the ADC Theatre in Cambridge. This is Phil and I backstage just beforehand.

Step 9: Relieve stagefright by going to the toilet.

After you're all done doing that, you should go back to your lounge and relax and work on some more sketches with your lounge-sharing-comedy-partner-friend Phil.

Step 10: Twist your brains!

Or throw some more darts. Or draw some cartoons. Or go for a rollerblade around. Anything really that you might do at the end of an average day.

Optional Step 11: Roll around for a bit.

---