Boxing type intro music and light effects
Commentator: Good evening and welcome to Las Vegas for tonight's
pay-per-view presentation on Sky Sports 3. It's judgement night tonight,
as the reigning US champion Dwight "The Cobra" Schmeizenstein from the
mean streets of Harlem takes on Britain's Timothy Jenkins for the IWAQF
World Slaps Title.
[Dwight and Timothy (aged 11 or so) and an umpire come on. Dwight is
dressed
in typical flashy boxing gear, whereas Timothy is dressed in a white PE
vest and shorts and plimsols. They start limbering up.]
Conventionally these bouts are scheduled to be the length of playtime, or
to last until one of the contenders is either in too much pain, or too
bored to continue. Or until one of the participants reaches puberty.
Tonight, however, is judgement night and they will be slapping to the
death. The gloves are truly off. Ha ha.
[The two contenders start to glare at each other in an attempt to
psyche
each other out.]
Umpire:Slaps on.
[The two contenders start playing slaps. After a couple of exchanges
Dwight tries a "fake-out" plan. Timothy flinches away.]
Umpire:One!
[Another fake-out.]
Umpire:Two!
Commentator:Another wrong move and it's a free slap.
[Attempts another fake-out. Timothy moves ever such a tiny
amount.]
Dwight:You moved!
Timothy:I never!
Commentator:Controversy here.
Umpire:No move!
[They continue playing normally]
Commentator:We'll be back after this infeasibly long break.
[Later on in show. Two contenders are now visibly aged.]
Commentator:Oh christ, why do we bother?
[Timothy falls asleep on stool]
Commentator:Oh no! Disaster for the British contender! He's fallen
asleep on his stool and he's getting slapped to pieces!
[A whole plurality of random slaps]
[Later on in show...]
[Two contenders now aged to the point of dying of old age. One of them
keels over in mid-slap. The other wins and leaps around in excitement
before keeling over too.]
Commentator:Well, I don't think anyone can douibt that that 57
year-long bout was well worth the pay-per-view fee. What we've seen,
in fact, is nothing less than history in the making - that was the fastest
death ever in competitive full-contact slaps. Join us next week for live
coverage from the European raps league and the Guatemalan mercy
championships. From Sky Sports 3, good night.
[End sketch]