Sports

Cambridge, MA - Adam Kumpf ('05, maybe), known otherwise as one of the most ambitious and industrious students at MIT, has suddenly become arguably the biggest lazy-ass the world has ever seen. The entry chairperson has not left MacGregor House for over 3 weeks and refuses to do any work whatsoever. Friends of Kumpf are puzzled after failing repeatedly to coax him out of his lethargic state.

	The modern Renaissance man - Adam Kumpf during his freshman year

Known before for his numerous, ingenious projects and inventions, Kumpf applied for a patent just last year on his most recent brainchild, the "couch-desk." Sadly, that piece of furniture has remained in the couch position for weeks now, the upholstery forever imprinted with the shape of Kumpf's lazy white ass. Ever since returning to D-Entry from summer vacation, he has not been the same.

"I was the first one to notice something was up," Miranda Priebe ('03) said. "I went to his room to make sure he was keeping up with his duties as entry chair - I can do that, being former MacGregor House President, and all - and when I knocked on the door, I heard what sounded like a dying moose telling me to go away." Priebe was not the only one to notice Kumpf's lazy-ass behavior. Fellow guitar player Ryan Owen ('03) went to ask Kumpf if he wanted to trade guitars for the night, since the pair is supposedly into that sort of thing. Owen was also turned away with a sound he described as "goooeeeeh." "Hell," Owen commented, "he couldn’t even complete the phrase 'go away.' What a lazy bastard."

Sources say Kumpf made a visit to Brazil during his summer research project, and some people reason this visit might have been the source of his incredible indolence. The Jackfruit has learned from Brazilian hospital records that, while staying at a Rio de Janeiro motel, Kumpf was bitten 7 times in the ass by a rare species of monkey known as jackfruitus bullshitus. Jackfruit medical experts note that this monkey has been known to make lazy-asses out of other visitors; previous victims include Subway model Jared's Indian half-brother Deraj, who has tragically gained over 250 pounds since being bitten.

	The most recent picture of Kumpf outside his dorm room

"I think he'll be okay," neighbor Omar Bashir ('05) said. "He may be lazy, but he's still living a semi-healthy lifestyle. He sent me an e-mail telling me to hire Nick's servants for him, so I did. Now Adam doesn't even have to clean his own room or do his laundry or anything." Another neighbor, Neal Mankad ('04), expressed concern that his friend was wearing the same clothes every day; however, he later realized that Kumpf had worn the same clothes every day last year as well. Mankad subsequently did not give a damn.

Friends and suitemates were encouraged last Thursday when they heard indications of activity coming from Kumpf's room. He then opened the door, beard and all, for the sole purpose of installing what he called his "final invention." Disappointed residents studied the new instrument, finally figuring out what it was: a tape-recorded "go away" message attached to a motion sensor. Kumpf could not be reached for comment.