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Dear Freshman Who's Trying Too Hard To Impress People At Orientation,

            I always seem to get to class late in the mornings, and I think it's hurting my grades.  I miss a good portion of the notes, and my professors are always giving me mean looks for walking in 10 minutes late.  I could just try to wake up on time, but I really need those 10 extra minutes of sleep every night.  What should I do?

- Late and Losing Out

Dear Late and Losing Out,

            Hey!  Do you want to be my new friend?  I've made lots of great friends so far at orientation.  I've gotten to meet people from all over the world, and everyone is so interesting!  I already gave out my AIM screen name like 40 times, along with my new MIT e-mail address.  Man, those high school kids are such losers with their Hotmail and Yahoo accounts.  None of those posers will mess with me now that I’m kooldawg73@MIT.EDU!  Dude, I am so excited for these next few years.  I think I’m going to live in the "most social" dorm on campus, Baker House, according to their description in the MIT student life handbook.  I don't think I could handle living in a frat, ya know – it might distract me from my goal of a triple major in 6, 16, and uh, whatever Ocean Engineering is, with a minor in Political Science!  Plus, I haven't decided which one yet, but I'm gonna play varsity tennis or basketball, and run for Student Council too.  Hope I don't get stuck being a 4^th year senior!

Dear Freshman Who's Trying Too Hard To Impress People At Orientation,

            I have not left this Athena cluster for 3 days now.  I haven't had food or water in over 34 hours, and my eyes can't focus on anything farther than a foot away from my face.  I have long forgotten where I live, but I have a pillow here so I'm okay for now.  I don't think I can survive much longer though.  Could you please send some help?

- Can’t Get This Damn Function To Work

Dear Can't Get This Damn Function To Work,

            Of course I’m well prepared!  I'm not really worried because of my background at The Best Private School Ever.  I have already volunteered at a hospital too, and since no one does that, I am way ahead of the game.  I helped my grandma defragment her hard drive just before I got here so I think I can breeze by 6.0001 and all the other Major 6 classes.  In high school I played like every sport, was in every community service organization, and was named The Best High School Student Ever.  My SAT score was 1600, and that really matters because, let me tell you, that test measures everything!  But, haha, I bet everyone here is just as smart (saying that makes me seem modest).  Dude, have you learned all the Major numbers yet?

Dear Freshman Who's Trying Too Hard To Impress People At Orientation,

            I just got my first 8.02 exam back, and I’m really disappointed with the result, since I studied for, like, forever.  I have an urge to just lock myself in my room and relentlessly stare at the error that dropped my score from 100 to 98.  I have asked my friends to help me cope with my trauma, but one of them tried to kill me.  What should I do?

- Reggie Failagain

Dear Reggie Failagain,

            My orientation group leader (yeah go Group 71!!!) is the best ever.  He says that the friends I make during orientation week will last a lifetime.  I can already tell that's gonna be true for me and my new friends!  I collected 7 more AIM screen names today, plus 5 cell phone numbers.  Hang on, my new Sprint PCS phone is ringing.  "Hello?  Hey dogg wassup?  No man, just chillin, hangin wit my crew.  Party what time? K…across the river, you mean like, by Harvard?  Oh ok…yeah, got it, haha, my bad.  Shit man, I hope them Sigma Tau Delta girls aren't there.  I'll be there yo.  K…later dogg."  Sorry, that was my buddy from a frat across the Charles River.  He was just telling me how to get to this fly party tonight by walking south on Massachusetts Avenue, which he says turns into a bridge.  How gnarly is that?  Gotta run back to my temporary housing in Simmons to change into my new pimp suit.  Hope it didn't rain, my room doesn't have a roof yet.  Peace.