Sports

D-Entry Resident Can't Believe Steven Seagal Didn't Star In Chick Flicks

Cambridge, MA - D-entry resident Alex A. ('05) went into shock this past weekend when he discovered that actor Steven Seagal did not star in popular chick flicks.  According to eyewitnesses, this incident occurred one night when a group of MIT students were watching the movie "Ever After," a chick flick starring Drew Barrymore. 

Apparently under the impression that Steven Seagal was in this modern remake of Cinderella, Alex repeatedly taunted the stepmother Rodmilla with threats such as, "If you keep on being a bitch, my man Steven is gonna break your neck in the next scene."  Whenever there appeared to be a moment of heightened tension in the plot, just when the characters were about to get into an altercation, Alex would yell, "oh watch out Medieval suckas!  Steven is right around the corner ready to bust a cap in yo ass with his Uzi."  Ultimately, anticipation proved to be a source of sorrow for Alex, who realized by the time the credits rolled that in fact, Steven Seagal was not in "Ever After."

	Alex and Seagal at the 2001 Hollywood premier of 'Exit Wounds'

Steven Seagal is known to most people as the star of films such as Under Siege, Under Siege 2, and Executive Decision - where he eloquently shared five minutes of screen time with Kurt Russell before being gracefully sucked out of an airplane.  In his movies, he maims and kills with ruthless precision, but he also displays a wide range of human emotions as well.  His characters are not murderers - they are usually inspired to whoop the asses of hundreds of faceless men by a noble cause such as the kidnapping of his family, the destruction of the ozone layer, or the theft of his remote control.

"What I like so much about Seagal is that he has such a remarkable range.  He's not like your Stallone or Schwarzenegger.  What the hell's up with Kindergarten Cop?  That's terrible acting.  They should've cast Seagal.  Steven can break a guy's neck in one scene then recite a love sonnet to a beautiful woman in the next.  That's versatility man.  Not many actors in Hollywood are up to this level.  I'm surprised he hasn't gotten an Oscar yet.  He should've been in Gladiator, man.  He could've snatched the Oscar for that, and A Beautiful Mind too."

Alex mentioned that male actors who star in chick flicks "do not have the backbone to really deliver a convincing performance.  Man, if you can't even do a double spinning back kick and knock a terrorist's front teeth out, how can you possibly satisfy Julia Roberts or Meg Ryan on a date in midtown Manhattan?"

Currently, Alex is working on the screenplay to a new movie which, according to him, "perfectly exploits the range and dynamics of Steven Seagal's acting talents."  Early reports indicate that the first half of the plot involves Seagal's character hunting down popular chick-flick pretty boys played by Matthew Perry, Hugh Grant, Freddy Prinze Jr., and Heath Ledger.  Details are sketchy regarding the second half of the movie, but there are rumors that Seagal has scenes where he re-enacts Shakespeare, sings in the rain, and becomes pregnant with a baby.