Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
- WARNING: This product warps space and time in
- WARNING: This product attracts every other piece
of matter in the Universe, including the products of other
manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses
and inversely proportional to the distance between them.
- CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the
energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.
- HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when
lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent
on its velocity relative to the user.
- ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but
nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this
product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and
reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's
domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or
inconvenience that may result.
- COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic
particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly
the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of
other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be
expressed or implied.
- CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty
Principle," it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same
time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.
- NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this
product are held together by a "gluing" force about which little is
currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently
- ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product
contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this
produce consists of 99.999999999999% empty space.
- HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains
minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of
five hundred million miles her hour.
- READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to
certain suggested versions of a grand unified theory, the primary
particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the
next four hundred million years.
- PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of
this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of
disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the
consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat
death of the universe.
- NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The
manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is
ten-dimensional, but this does not extend your legal rights above and
beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven
new dimensions are "rolled up" into such a small area that they cannot
- IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire
physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back
into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe
subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe
cannot be guaranteed.
- PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories
suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product,
it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined
- THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely
event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a
catastrophic explosion will result.
Up to The Information Page,
or all the way Up to The Dr Foo Home Page.