"TOOL AND LET DIE"
Cast:
Bond:Scott Uebelhart ‘98
Pinky and Brain:Joe Calzaretta ’96 and Scott Lew ‘99
Alt.binaries.pictures.erottoa, "Dot":Irene Kim ‘99
Kendall Square:Akiko Kurachi ‘99
Needapenny:Angie Nishimoto ‘98
RM:Charles Jankowsky ‘GRT
LPQ:Arjuna Wijeyekoon ‘99
Assassin 1 (Scene 1):Ben Douts ‘98
Assassin 2 (Scene 1):Melissa Kanemasu ‘99
MacGregor Deskworker (Scene 1):Jennifer Jankowsky
Club Mac Bartender (Scene 4)
People who capture Bond and Kendall (Scene 7) :Ben Douts and Andres
PROPS FOR E-ENTRY ENTRY NIGHT 1996
(with. who's responsible for them)
Floppy disk:ANYONE
Mice costumes: ears,tails?:Angie and Akiko
Swords;Afsana
Spotlight:NO IDEA YET
Nerd Kit:Afsana
2 computers:Entry lounges
2 chairs:Scott U., Angela
Table:[Should be there]
Reams CA paper:Joe
Box for printer:Scott U.
Overhead projector:Jennifer
Phone:Scott L
2 Disc Guns:Scott U.
Needapenny box:Scott U.
File:Charles
Overhead for zephyr:Ariuna & Scott U.
Black sheet:Elaine
Flashlight:Scott U.
Pocket protector:Charles
Lab coat:Elaine
Plastic cups:Elaine
Rope:Charles
Bond hat for intro:[NO IDEA]
Music tape:Irene, others
So, HERE WE GO:
The obligatory Bond intro: someone (not 007, since he has to IMMEDIATELY be in The scene after the intro, dressed as an MIT Athena nerd) in a nice suit and that hat walking coolly
across the stage, spotlight, he turns and shoots, blood, etc---SCENE 1: An Athena cluster, a bunch Of nerdy looking people sitting around at their screens
Some background music is Still playing (You’ll see), Bond enters from one side, dressed like an Athena nerd, looks around all the time as If someone's watching him, coolly heads over to The printer opens up his backpack, starts loading up paper, closes the backpack looks around some more. starts slowly exiting the scene WHEN-..
ASSASSIN 1: HEY ! That guy stole the paper!!
Assassins 1 and 2 bolt from their chairs and head towards Bond, Bond drops the backpack and looks around,
in a panic: Bond has no weapon! (just shooting the assassins is too boring and very un-Bond) Then he finds (INSERT SOME CREATIVE MIT-TYPE WEAPON HERE) and foils assassins 1 and 2. Bond picks up the backpack and doesn't run, but heads quickly but still coolly out of the lab, and the assassins are left groaning in pain (don’t kill them; this is a PC show here).SCENE 2: The MacGregor desk
001 comes in drops the paper off at the desk, female deskworker working:
BOND: Here you go, darling...
Deskworker bolts up, and fawns over Bond, and optionally puts her hands over him as if to make sure he's all right, all that stuff...
DESKWORKER: Oh my God! Now the residents of MacGregor don't have to use that UGLY, RECYCLED paper anymore! How did you do it? Who are you, my brave hero
BOND: The name's Bond. Covalent Bond.
DESKWORKER: Oh Mr Bond! You've done MacGregor a great service!
BOND: It's nothing darling, really...
DESKWORKER: But Mr Bond! You've risked yourself in the Project Athena clusters for
US! How can we thank you?BOND: Don't mention it-It was just (INSERT CUTE WITTICISM BASED ON THE
METHOD USED TO FOIL THE ASSASSINS)Hopefully people laugh…
THIS IS WHERE THE SONG WOULD GO-I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TRANSITION TO
THE "REAL' PLOT WITHOUT A SONG. WE MAY HAVE ONE, BUT WE'LL HAVE TO
THINK ABOUT WHAT TO DO INCASE NOT...
SCENE 3 Office of Needapenny/RM
Needapenny is sitting in her chair facing left typing. There’s a big box on her desk, with the writing "TUITION FUND" on it. Bond enters
stage right, takes a penny and throws it in the box from the [imaginary] doorway. Needapenny doesn’t notice Bond until she hears the money in the box, then she turns around, haft-startledNEEDAPENNY: Covalent! Thought you could sneak in here without me noticing, did you?
BOND: Needapenny you know I could never fool you. And may I say that you're looking lovely as ever. Needapenny rises from her chair, walks over to Bond, optionally Bond kisses her on the cheek (there's a method to the madness; he realty does this !!)
NEEDAFENNY: Really, Covalent. And this after cavorting with all of those gorgeous deskworkers from the MacGregor House!
BOND: Needapenny no need to worry darling, you know I only have eyes for you!
RM: Miss Needapenny it you're through with the obligatory introductions and formalities, could you please send 001 in here so we can get down to business?
Bond goes into RM's office next door
RM: Nice of you to join us, 001! Please sit down. So, I assume you’re sufficiently relaxed and rested from your last mission? What was it, [RM looks at a file] stealing printer paper for "Jackson Sux"? Tough indeed...
BOND: The mission had it's [INSERT ANOTHER CUTE WITTICISM]
Bond smiles, RM does not
RM: Well, since you've found so much humor in your last assignment, let's see if we can't make things a little more interesting for you! What do you know about [RM looks at file, pauses] SIPB?
BOND: SIPB? The Student information Processing Board. They maintain the Project
Athena computer system
PM: Well, apparently they don't anymore, in fact, MIT has lost contact with SIPB completely: no one has responded in several days
BOND: That's strange
RM: That's not all, 001-The overall load on all the Project Athena workstations has been exponentially increasing over the last couple of days. It's to the point where no work can get done
BOND: Does MIT have any ideas? A, what do they call it, hack?
RM: I suppose if they did, 001, they wouldn't be talking to us. It's the last week of classes, 001, and this must be stopped. If MIT grinds to a halt the technological development of the United States is in jeopardy. This is a priority one situation Your job is to go in there, infiltrate the student population, figure out what's going on, and stop it
RM hands Bond a folder
RM: Operation NETSCAPE. Go see LPQ at once, and then you're off to MIT again. 'I expect a full report soon.
BOND: I'll do my best, sir, as always...
BOND: Hello LPQ. How are you doing today?
LPQ: Oh, Bond. Good that you're finally here. We're almost done with your equipment. I'll be with you in one moment, let me just finish testing this piece of hardware.
BOND: A flashlight?
LPQ: Not quite, let me show you. Donald, would you please stand over there?
(Donald moves; light flashes and D screams and is thrown offstage) We call it the
Solar Flare; it produces a paralyzing flash Of heat that incapacitates anyone within 20
feet. Still not ready for use in the field yet. [off handedly] Thanks Donald.
BOND: Clever. But how about a Bud Light, LPQ?
LPO: Bond, you know I never joke about my equipment. Anyway, let me show you what I have for you. first thing is this pocket protector.
BOND: [Cleverly] What kind of geek do you take me for?
LPO: One who wants to stay alive I should hope It’s bullet proof
and can even wjthstand laser blasts and bad jokes. [Bond tries to put a pen in it]
Now; (catches Bond] please pay attention now, will you Bond? We have a lot to go
Over. Now we also have an all-purpose lock opener box, disguised as a student's lab kit. It can help you open standard key locks, coded doors... just about anything.
BOND:
LPO: Lastly is a special treat from the explosives table. A standard
floppy disk, but click the erase protection switch three times, wait 10 seconds and a small C-4 charge goes off. Bond starts clicking it randomly
BOND: Causing trouble for the person doing the clicking, no doubt. How many times was that? [tosses it to LPQ]
LPQ: Please Bond, don't play around with this equipment. It's expensive [he
disarms it] Now try to return everything in one piece, OK? I'm sorry there's no fancy car,
but we just don't have a parking permit for one.BOND: Thanks again, LPQ; what could I do without you.
LPO Not bloody well much, that's for sure. And Bond, don't walk off with that stuff before signing it out! You know what I need.
BOND: Right. [Bond takes out his MIT ID and hands it over; he walks
Off] You old devil, you. Cheerio.
[Moaning noises in the background; LPQ notices source off stage]
LPQ: Oh, Donald, stop your moaning. It wasn't even set on HIGH.
SCENE 4:
CLUB MAC
Bond is at the counter, sipping a drink semi-loud music is blaring and people are just
dancing and interacting. Kendall Square enters the scene and catches a glimpse of
Bond. she approaches him
Kendall: (turns to the bartender) Give me a Kahlua
(turns to Bond): So, are you from the highrise or the lowrise?
Bond: I'm not from around here So what's your name?
Kendall: I'm sometimes go by the name of SafeRide. But you can call me Kendall
Square. You are?
Bond: Bond- Covalent Bond
Kendall: So Bond, are you from around here?
(at this moment, erotica has entered the scene with people admiring her as she walks in Bond is in the midst of his sentence when he catches a glimpse of her. She walks over to the other side or the room. He barely finishes his sentence.)
Bond: No. I'm just visiting... Will you please excuse me. (walks over to erotica) (to the bartender) I’ll have a rum and jolt. Shaken not stirred.
So, you must be a Kahlua girl.
Erotica: More like a sex on the Beach. And you are?
Bond: My name is bond Covalent bond. What's your name?
Erotica: alt.binaries.pics.erotica, but you can call me dot.
Bond: Intrigued
Erotica: So what brings a REAL man like you to a place like MIT?
Bond: Nothing in particular and what course are you?
Erotica: Course 6. I can do wonders with my lap top. So, bond, how about we ditch this party and go up to my room. I have a single corner up in the highrise. I have the perfect game for us... How about we 1og-in together?
Bond: After you...
Scene 6: In the Bedroom
Bond: Okay so log on.
Erotica: Oh I'm so sick of my account. Let's try yours.
Bond: okay (logs-in)
(Suddenly receives a zephyrgram from Kendall Square) You must leave immediately!
Bond: lt really been wonderful Erotica, but I have to leave.
Erotica: No Stay!
Bond: I really have to go now
Erotica: (reluctantly) Okay, finger me sometime.
Shadow Scene:
Brain: Agent 3.14159, do you know what happens to people who fail us?
Pinky: Well, it you're a freshman, nothing. haHAha!
Dot: That wasn't failure. That was foreplay.
Brain: We don’t have time for that. You must get Bond to play the game!
That the only way to get him out the picture!
Pinky: Oooh games! I like games! How about tic-tac-toe... or
checkers.. or oooh...ohh- I've got it... TIWSTER!
Bran: No... NERD-TREK!
Dot: Don’t worry: when I m done with him he’ll play all the games I want
Pinky: Right foot green!
Brain: All right but don’t fail us again. This time, you're on grades.
Pinky. Left hand yellow. ha HA ha..
Scene 8 Bond infiltrates the W 20 cluster
Bond: If my sources are correct, the door combination is 37619*.
(punches in as he says the number. tugs On door)
Bloody Information Systems, there's a new door combo!!!
So LPQ's gadgets come in handy after all.... (uses nerd kit. opens door)
(Dot is in the room, lounging against a computer. Other people logged on are in a trance-like state)
Dot: (seductively) We meet again, Mr. Bond. We seem to attract each other like oppositely charged ions
Bond: Why are you here Dot?
Dot: Let's just say I have unfinished business-- a problem set.
(she takes out a disc gun and points it at him) Mr. Bond, I’m sure you'll help me.
Bond: I guess I could take a look... (Dot leads him to a computer, makes him sit down)
Dot: Log in! And add the games locker while you’re at it.
Bond: I forgot my password!!
Dot: Oh... Come now, Mr. Bond!! If you refuse to play the game, I'll just have to kill you now. It was so much fun, but its time for a good bye!
(she points the gun to his head, when Kendall rushes in and whacks the gun out of Dot's hand. A cat fight ensues between the two women--after the screeching and hissing, Kendall manages to smash Dot's head with a computer. Dot falls to the floor, Kendall goes to Bond)
Bond: Are you alright? You're-- Kendall Square!!
Kendall: You remember me! I'm glad I came in time! I need your help to end all of this chaos! People are logging in and somehow the game they're playing puts a trance over them. They're like zombies--98% of the student body is logged on right now!
Bond: So that's why Dot wanted me to log in-- but she can't be the mastermind behind this
Kendall:. But who could it be....??
(PINKY AND THE BRAIN MUSIC as P&8 enter with a bunch of thugs <ben>)
Brain: Get them!
Pinky: haHa Ha haa.. Narf!!
(the thugs attack Bond and Kendall-- who screams--; outnumbered, they are easily tied
up. they are taken to P& B's headquarters)
Showdown Scene:
Bond: So you two were the perpetrators behind this plan!
Showdown scene:
Kendall: Why would anyone do such a horrible thing?
Brain: To try to take over the world!
Pinky and the Brain theme plays
Bond: Who are you? the IRA? the KGB? LSC?
Brain: Actually, we are two lab mice involved in an elaborate scheme to take over the world.
Pinky: Haha, yeah! Uh... what scheme was that, Brain?
Brain: Oh, must I explain it to you again. Pinky? The NERD-TREK game I coded has the power to hypnotize MIT students and drain their immense intelligence. Once the smartest minds in the world have been reduced to vegetables, it will be trivial to take over the world.
Pinky: Oh, that one Point! Narf! Zort! Egad!
Kendall: So, that’s what happened to OLC and SIPB. Your insidious game has removed from them the only positive quality they had!
Brain: yes.!
Bond: Intriguing plan, rodent, but of course you realize it'll never work.
Brain: No?
Bond: Not without this disk! (motions to explodey disk)
Brain: Why, what’s on it? Pinky are you thinking what I am thinking?
Pinky: I think so brain, but we already have 20 Megs of naughty JPEGs!
Brain. Pinky!
Bond: Why don’t you look and find out?
Pinky walks over to Bond and takes the disk.
Pinky: Lookie here, Brain! Its got this nifty little clicky button thingy? See?
click-click-click
Brain: What do you think you're doing?
BLAM! (Somehow) In the chaos That ensues, Bond & Kendall free themselves. Bond catches the mice. Puts them in cage. They are sent up the river to Harvard