(To the tune of "Opening Ceremony" from Chess)

I've a duty as the ship's AI
At the start of the run
On behalf of all our sponsors
I must welcome you
To the bridge, which I've done...

I don't care if you're a Hegemon
No one messes with me
I am ruthless in upholding
Skyguard discipline
Through the din, as you see...

I'm out in space
Can't be moved
Any objection 
Is overruled
Yes I'm the ship's AI and I know best...

(Chorus) He's intent on Pierogi, it's all distressed....

You got your shticks
Good for you
But there's no static
I don't see through
Oh I'm the ship's AI I'm trained for Med...

(Chorus) All those Info War viruses in his head...

If you're thinking I'm the kind of thing
That belongs in the past
Fuzzy logic, optic gateways
Relays, heuristics
Floppy disks---not so fast.

This is not the end of everything
Even though you're all stuck
Thanks to me your constitutions are terrific so
Now you just need good luck

I'm out in space
Can't be moved
Any objection 
Is overruled
Yes I'm the ship's AI and I know best...

(Chorus) Now I just wish I hadn't logged in as Guest...

You got your shticks
Good for you
But there's no static
I don't see through
Oh I'm the ship's AI I'm trained for Med...

(Chorus) Get us outta this crazy ship's what we said...

Yes I'm the ship's AI I'm trained for Med...

(Chorus) Get us outta this crazy ship, 'fore we're dead...