Page 1
You close out your fifth orientation event of CP*. Campus is quiet. The endless solitude imminent. You have no idea where you are because the google maps street view didn’t let you jump this far, but you’ve somehow stumbled upon two identical parallel buildings. Silhouettes line a grill at the far end of the courtyard. To your right there is a large cardboard box. Your phone blips; someone in the admitted students discord found an app that lets you roadmap all of your classes ever.
> TO APPROACH THE GRILLS, TURN TO [[PAGE 266]]
> TO KICK THE BOX, TURN TO [[PAGE 804]]
> TO PLAN OUT YOUR TRIPLE MAJOR, TURN TO [[PAGE 368]]
Page 266
You could have sworn there were people here at this grill but it’s just you. Social distancing is a bitch. This grill looks kind of lonely.
>TO INSPECT THE GRILL TURN TO [[PAGE 111]]
>ACTUALLY THAT BOX WAS KIND OF WEIRD, TURN TO [[PAGE 804]]
Page 804
The Box is a large cardboard box. It’s festive, but unassuming. As you approach it, it suddenly cries, “Please don’t kick me!”
>TO KICK THE BOX ANYWAY, TURN TO [[PAGE 373]]
>TO BE A KIND SOUL, TURN TO [[PAGE 24]]
Page 368
Time to optimize your stay at MIT. You pick out classes that will inevitably have schedule conflicts. You make one version for each permutation of ASE you pass or fail. You inadvertently create a travelling salesman problem and are on the verge of solving it when your mom calls. You lose all your saved roads.
She wants you to go take a selfie in front of the dome.
> YOUR STORY HAS ENDED. TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN. Page 111
Oh, this is kind of warm. The lid creaks as you open it. There is a single half cooked patty. You have no idea how to grill... but you’re kind of hungry, so I guess here’s to learning to cook in college. An urge from within guides your hand to the conveniently placed steak seasoning next to the grill. You like patties, don’t you, Squidward? You spatula the burger onto a bun and take a bite. That wasn’t so hard. There’s another patty on the grill. You aren’t hungry anymore, but you finish cooking it and place it on a bun. Oh, there’s a third patty. Someone screams from a window, “GRILLZ ARE HOT”. You are cursed to man the grill until REX when an upperclassman can relieve you.
> EOM. TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN.
Page 373
Why did you do that? You heartless bastard. Try again.
>TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN.
Page 24
Instead of kicking, you inspect the box closer. A shadowy wrathe appears appears next to you. You startle. It looks like a grad student, but upon further inspection you see it is the Grim Reaper themself. But they have not come to reap you; they simply tell you to knock on the box.
>TO KNOCK ON THE BOX, TURN TO [[PAGE 57]]
>TO ASK DEATH SOME QUESTIONS, TURN TO [[PAGE 104]]
Page 104
But you look up, and Death has vanished back into the void from whence they came-- one of the East Campus halls. You’re not allowed to go on that hall yet, but maybe you can look it up on the East Campus website.
>TO KNOCK ON THE BOX, TURN TO [[PAGE 57]]
>TO KICK THE BOX, TURN TO [[PAGE 373]]
Page 57
When you knock on The Box, it opens its human eyes and speaks in a haunting double voice. “We have a question for you,” it says.
Confused and somewhat intimidated, you nod.
“Do you know of Krotus?”
You shake your head.
“Krotus is the patron saint of a hall here. He lives in the river. He feeds off four things. Stripping, Suffering, Potatoes, and Virgin Sacrifices.”
You are confused. Is it just you, or is one of those items out of place?
The Box does not let you argue or question. “Choose which of the four paths to explore further,” it intones.
You nod, determined. You are about to pick a path.
“Oh,” The Box says. “Here’s a piece of candy for your troubles.”
The eyes blink shut. Where they were, a hand reaches out and deposits what looks to be a perfectly normal candy in your hand.
> TO STRIP AWAY EC’S FACADE, TURN TO [[PAGE 2]]
> TO GET A HEAD START ON SUFFERING, TURN TO [[PAGE 175]]
> TO POTATO, TURN TO [[PAGE 73]]
> TO PARTICIPATE IN HUMAN SACRIFICE, TURN TO [[PAGE 99]]
> TO EAT THE CANDY, TURN TO [[PAGE 8]]
Page 2
The Box directs you towards a person sitting by the building entrance that can only be described as a 90s post-punk twink. How did you miss that foot tall mohawk? Wait, maybe they’re a girl?
> TO TALK TO ANDROGYNOUS MOHAWK PERSON, TURN TO [[PAGE 27]]
> HELL NAH, TURN TO [[PAGE 28]]
Page 175
Suffering. It’s kind of scenic. There is more to life than happiness. Ok, maybe dopamine is, like, functionally something that’s nice to have in an Engaging With The World kind of way but we’re talking about goals here. Goals? Those are worth suffering for. And maybe I can pretend all the involuntary suffering is actually voluntary and they’ll all blend together.
> TO DISSOCIATE INTO ASSESSING YOUR OWN SELF WORTH, TURN TO [[PAGE 42]]
> YOU REMEMBERED YOUR HARD ON FOR THAT TRIPLE MAJOR, TURN TO [[PAGE 3]]
Page 73
The path of potatoes is a righteous one.
You hear a strange sound, almost like someone, or something, is...whinnying? You investigate the courtyard for the source of this noise, but there doesn’t appear to be anything here that’s causing it. As you approach Ames Street, the sound gets louder and louder, and it isn’t until you avoid getting kicked in the face by diving into some bushes that you realize that the noise was coming from a horse! It appears someone parked their horse behind the dorm and left it unattended.
> TO RIDE THE HORSE GO TO [[PAGE 808]]
> TO IGNORE THE HORSE BECAUSE YOU’VE SEEN ENOUGH HORSES IN YOUR LIFE TO THE POINT THAT THEY NO LONGER EXCITE YOUR HEART AND RETURN TO THE BOX GO TO [[PAGE 804]]
> TO PAY THE PARKING METER GO TO [[PAGE 84]]
Page 99
Contemplating your hunger for sacrifice, you inspect the wrapper from the candy. It’s bright red, like those fucking strawberry candies that materialize in old peoples’ houses. It feels weird, almost like vinyl but it’s so cold. Its sanguine hue fills you with a peculiar bloodlust. You turn it around, the seam glistening from a light that isn’t there.
> TO OPEN THE WRAPPER GO TO [[PAGE 420]]
Page 8
It's candy.
> TO STRIP AWAY EC’S FACADE, TURN TO [[PAGE 2]]
> TO GET A HEAD START ON SUFFERING, TURN TO [[PAGE 175]]
> TO POTATO, TURN TO [[PAGE 73]]
Page 27
“Oh ya of course I can give you a tour of East Campus. Did Petey send you? Or did you choose this path?” They don’t wait for you to respond. They stand. The door opens and you both enter the bleak stairwell. You go down some stairs. You’re in what seems to be a basement. There is a cacophony of spinning washers with red and green and blue lights. You pass through a long corridor full of pipes. Someone has spray painted “I CONFORM TO NOT CONFORM” in the middle of the hall and “FRENZY FRENZY FRENZY” in random places throughout. You climb more stairs. Unclear how many. There’s a door and another door and suddenly you are in a hallway.
>TURN TO [[PAGE 13]]
Page 28
Don’t be a little bitch the box said to talk to them. Are you really going to disobey the box?
> TO TALK TO ANDROGYNOUS MOHAWK PERSON, TURN TO [[PAGE 27]]Page 13
You are unexpectedly accosted by Color.
The hallway is long and thin and close and every surface is covered in paint. Text is poorly scrawled on doors. Intricate museum reproductions cover the walls. Why is there floor to ceiling art on every surface in an engineering dorm? A collage of tins. Textured fabric mural. You look down the hallway. A shimmering vapor-wave esque light illuminates the section further down. The colors shift and waver. AURORA BOREALIS?
> DID STUDENTS MAKE THIS? TURN TO [[PAGE 100]]
> AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN THE HALLWAY? [[PAGE 5734]]
Page 100
You follow them into the lounge. They step onto an LED dance floor and turn to talk to you “Ya. Students made this. All of it. This is the first building I’ve ever felt a connection to because of the freedom to do this kind of shit. Home was always people rather than place to me, but the ability to physically engage with the world around you? To modify something? To paint your room really poorly and then live with your choices? Inheriting a poorly painted room and improving it? You really have mastery of your space and it feels like yours.”
> TO CONTINUE THE TOUR TURN TO [[PAGE 101]]
Page 5734
MOHAWK PERSON: Yes!
YOU: May I see it?
MOHAWK PERSON: No.
PASSERBY: EC is on fire!
MOHAWK PERSON: No—it's just the northern lights!
YOU: Well, Mohawk Dude, you are an odd fellow, but I must say... you steam a good ham.
PASSERBY: Help! Help!
> YOUR TOUR HAS ENDED, TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN
Page 101
Your friend with the mohawk walks towards the door and you continue up the stairs. Up. Up. They talk the whole time, their voice echoes as if multiple voices are speaking.
Social contract is really important here. The Basement and Talbot and the stairwells and the courtyard are “Public” spaces and are generally governed by the entire dorm. They woop into the stairwell. It echoes down. Down. However, as soon as you enter a hallway (the door closes behind you), you enter “communal” space. The kitchens, the bathrooms, the lounges, the hallways? Governed by the hall. It's very States Rights. Like, in the not-racist interpretation. They set expectations like pets or rules for painting or clothing expectations or how they govern themselves or who gets assigned to what rooms. For example, this hall has single occupancy bathrooms and now matter how dumb I think it is its the floors decision and I can’t argue.
>TO ENTER THE DOOR THAT SAYS “SINGLE OCCUPANCY” TURN TO [[PAGE 440]]
>TO FOLLOW YOUR HOST TURN TO [[PAGE 121]]
Page 440
You push open the door. There are two stalls and a shower. Someone yells “OCCUPIED” in a panicked voice. You also feel panicked.
>TO LEAVE THE BATHROOM TURN TO [[PAGE 112]]
>TO CHECK OUT THE BOWL OF CONDOMS ON THE COUNTER TURN TO [[PAGE 538]]
>TO APOLOGIZE TURN TO [[PAGE 78]]
>IF YOU HAVE DECISION FATIGUE AND SPEND WAY TOO LONG STANDING THERE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO TURN TO [[PAGE 121]]
Page 121
You’ve been standing there for an uncomfortably long amount of time. You can now see that there is a plain clothed, medium height, asian fella from Philadelphia standing in the shower with an enormous ziplock bag filled with what looks like smaller zip lock bags filled with what might be sludge. You should probably leave… unless…
>TO MAKE A CHECKOUT FROM THE DRAIN LIBRARY TURN TO [[PAGE 0]]
Page 112
You’ve stepped out into a brightly lit hall. This…. Looks different then when you entered the bathroom.. Final Destination plays somewhere but you can also play musical instruments. This hall feels…. Chill. You walk to the end of the hallway and your host raps on a door. This is where the house team lives. The house team eats admins for breakfast. They also are a support research and not their to police you. They’re actually pretty rad people and they live with the communities, but also have their own space. The boundaries are healthy. You’re only half paying attention because you’ve realized since being in the bathroom you kind of have to pee, but it looks like they’re going to the next hall. You feel like you should be really high up now but somehow there are still more stairs
>GO UP THE STAIRS, TURN TO [[PAGE 110]]
Page 538
Mohawk person puts their hand on your shoulder and politely tells you that the bathroom is occupied and that you need to leave. You exit the bathroom and walk to a lounge together littered with decomposed doorknobs and vending machines and what looks like some vintage airplane kiosk. Someone is yelling. Mohawk person is trying to tell you something but it is too loud to hear them. Two people are arguing over how to install a hammock. A giant cement pylon is on its side next to a large “flammable” cabinet. 2 people run by you. Suddenly a loud and jarring youtube vine compilation is playing on full blast on a flat screen. Every couch has literal mounds of humans sitting on each other with the intermittent laptop. Someone meows. Another person comes out with baked goods from what you can only assume is a kitchen.
Your host notices and pulls you into the hallway behind a closed door. Flags of varying stripes and colors shade the lights. Its soothing but you can still feel the energy and electricity in the air. “As I was saying…”
> CAN I KEEP THE CONDOM I TOOK? [[Page 69]]
> WHATS UP WITH ALL THESE RAINBOW FLAGS? [[PAGE 19874+]]
Page 78
A low distant hum is emanating from the ceiling. Your host grins and even though you’ve just gotten to this floor (you think? It looks kind of different then when you went into the bathroom) they usher you up another flight of stairs. You arrive just in time to the floor to meet 4 people... walking very slowly... and yelling “COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-CCCCCCCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” at the top of their lungs. They keep walking in the dirction of Tradition and Community and Warm Chocolate Milk. The silence remaining when they stop is incredibly absolute. But you have other things on your mind
> CAN WE FIND SOME CATS? [[PAGE 9]]
> CAN I LOOK AT THAT LOFT? [[PAGE 70]]
Page 110
You enter onto a dimly lit hallway. You look around and two doors stick out to you. One of them has a detailed large female genitalia modeled out of clay. The other has a door that looks like it can be pushed and says “single occupancy”. There’s another mural pointing to the bathroom that says “teleportation room”. You’ve lost your host again. You hate these bathrooms but you really need to go.
> TO ENTER THE DOOR THAT SAYS “SINGLE OCCUPANCY” TURN TO [[PAGE 440]]
PAGE 9
There are no cats on this hall.
>TO GO TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE TRYING A DIFFERNET HALL, TURN TO [[PAGE 440]]
PAGE 70
You pull out your phone to take a picture of the loft. You can’t just take pictures of people’s rooms without their permission. Also don’t take pictures without asking. Sorry we should have started the text adventure by saying that.
Oh, building culture? We have enough maker culture to fill your little Bob the Builder heart to the brim. But also in all earnestness, this dorm has taught me more about being a good engineer than any other aspect of MIT. Not necessarily in a technical sense, in a philosophical one. There’s a lot of emphasis on responsibility and being thorough. Some people come into MIT with a “build and iterate” mentality where trying it is the best way to learn. EC does make you realize your actions have consequences. Do your research beforehand. Me? I was always on the other side. Being entitled and confident and valuing my time enough to even reach the build and iterate phase was hard for me. It can teach you both.
>OK MX DORM PHILOSOPHY WHERE ARE THE CATS THOUGH [[PAGE 9]]
Page 0
Ah. Yes of course, sorry this bathroom is occupied but if you’re here to make a checkout well it makes sense that you’re here.
>TO ACCEPT THE ZIPLOC BAG FULL OF HAIR AND SLUDGE TURN TO [[PAGE 4]]
Page 4
You hold the bag, which is kind of dripping and kind of smells, at arms length. How the fuck did your day get here? The bag drips on the cracked tile floor as you walk backwards out of the bathroom. The Philadelphian has lost interest in you and has crouched back over the drain with a fork and some wire.
>TO FINISH YOUR TOUR OF EC TURN TO [[PAGE 666]]
PAGE 666
You must be very brave.
>TO CONTINUE TURN TO [[PAGE 700]]
PAGE 700
You’re exhausted, you feel like you’re learning a lot about EC, but also you hate reading and the mohawk person won’t shut the fuck up. Also you’re holding a bag of slime that might eat you at any moment. You follow the person into the hallway.
Oh yes.
>TO ENTER THE ABYSS TURN RO [[PAGE 6.777777]]
Page 6.7777
You know when you feel like your insides match your outsides? Like you’re in a spooky or existential mood and then you step into a black hallway with red lights and cats? Well you just stepped into a black hallway with red lights and cats and ngl its kind of a vibe.
“In 1969, a troubled group of MIT students decided to paint their hall black. Why black? Well its simple; black is the hardest color to paint over. And admin came in and painted the walls white over a few months, and then the students came out and repainted it black in the night. And this happened 7 times over 3 years until finally admin caved and it’s been black ever since then.”
“Idk what the moral is to that story but it makes me oddly proud. This hall also has the oldest mural in EC. Also painted in 1969.”
>TO LISTEN TO THEIR LAST SPEECH ABOUT EC FEELS TURN TO [[PAGE 31]]
>NO REALLY I WANT TO LIVE IN BAKER PLEASE LET ME LEAVE [[PAGE 14]]
Page 31
Oh? Whats my favorite things about EC? I was going to stop the tour here but I guess I can answer one more question since you asked nicely.
Ya I guess it's the immeasurable value of the social support network. I didn’t realize how nice it was to have upperclassmen that are invested in you when I came in. Having a community to rely on really distributes the weight of caring for people because you give your bandwidth when you have it and other people help you when you don’t.
>CAN I GO NOW? DID I WIN THE TEXT ADVENTURE? [[PAGE 14]]
Page 14
Do you not understand how libraries work no dumbass you need to return your drain hair first
>TO RETURN THE DRAIN HAIR TO ITS NATURAL ENVIRONMENT TURN TO [[PAGE 1202]]
Page 1202
You push open the bathroom door hesitantly. Mohawk androgyn laughs and tells you that this floor has no single occupancy bathroom. You sigh relief. Someone takes a shit while you unzip the baggie, flip it over andshimmy the plop of hair and debris into the shower drain where it rightfully belongs.
You are free to leave East Campus, we hope you enjoyed your tour.
Page 69
“Of course you can. That’s what they’re there for; so people can take them. They’re available in every dorm, and every dorm has P.L.E.A.S.U.R.E educators. Its an acronym. Idk what it means something like peers leading education sex relationships. But they’re quality.”
“I like to think that EC is particularly good with these kinds of things though. Consent is seen not just as something individuals do but also as something you can have a culture around. Same with knowing how to be a good bystander. I’ve never been slut shamed even though I am by society's standards, a massive hoe. There’s a lot of body positivity and this dorm is also very LGBTQ+ heavy, which I think are correlated things”
>TO GO UP THE STAIRS, TURN TO [[PAGE 33]]
Page 19874+
One of the hall members heard you ask as they passed by.
“Oh one of those is mine.” They say in a soft voice. They’re tall and have silvery bleached hair and a v-neck shirt. In their hands they’re cradling a plant. They seem very sincere.
“They’re all different LGBTQ+ pride flags though you might know that already. East Campus has a really high number of queer folks. Many halls are over half LGBTQ+. It’s really nice having your home be that kind of safe space, because it allows you to process, discuss, and learn a lot about yourself and other queer people in an environment where using aytpical pronouns or liking whoever isn’t a big deal to anyone”
Mohawk boi asks plant boi about the plant they’re holding. A cat wanders by. You suddenly need to use the restroom. You spot another door that says “single occupancy” on it in sharpie.
> TO ENTER THE DOOR THAT SAYS “SINGLE OCCUPANCY” TURN TO [[PAGE 440]]
Page 33
Oof you need to pee. I guess you can try the next hall. You only go up a flight of stairs and enter into a really fresh and clean smelling airspace. Someone longboards past you. You can’t really tell where the bathrooms are but there’s another door that says single occupancy. You’re not sure where your host has gone.
TO ENTER THE DOOR THAT SAYS “SINGLE OCCUPANCY” TURN TO [[PAGE 440]]
Page 42
You mindlessly tailgate behind someone at the door. You are in a long spiraling staircase. You were a high achieving high school student and despite knowing there are other things out there, your self worth is based upon the concept of productivity, self-improvement, and being good at things. You climb the stair-well because that’s what you feel like you ought to do. You’re achieving more. You’re getting higher. You’re acting, putting out work, defying what the force says is the easiest path, but this is also an autopilot. It doesn’t occur to you to get off the ride. Can someone be good at climbing stairs?
You’ve reached the top. There are other people here. I guess by coming to MIT you’ve given up on always being the best at things but maybe you can hold on to the sense of productivity and conquest of self improvement.
>TO ENTER THE HALL BY YOURSELF, TURN TO [[PAGE 109]]
Page 3
You sit down next to the box on the cement bench to hide your raging achievement boner. For a moment you wonder why you want that triple major. Are you passionate enough about something to actually put that much effort into it?
>TO PUT OFF INTROSPECTION, TURN TO [[PAGE 368]]
Page 109
You run into another prefrosh. She doesn’t know how she got here either and she’s low key kind of scared by this big ass neon devil sign. You tell her you’ll join her. You hear howling in the walls. You meander to a chair in the lounge. Out of the darkness, a figure appears.
You approach the figure and she begin telling you about academics at MIT. You ask how to handle all of the stress. She begins the same spiel about MIT resources and the other prefrosh says she doesn’t need help, especially not from strangers. The girl laughs. Her shocking blu eyes match her equally shocking blue hair.
“Aight” she says. A beautiful bouquet of flowers and organs tattoo her arms and breath with life as she crosses her arms.
“First, fuck you, this isn’t a sponsored plug. Second, if you’re so cool, memorize it so you can help a friend. Let me tell you of the saviors from suffering.”
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT SUPPORT SERVICES, TURN TO [[PAGE 176]]
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT MIT MENTAL HEALTH, TURN TO [[PAGE 177]]
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT DISABILITY SERVICES, TURN TO [[ PAGE 178]]
Page 176
The figure guides you to building 5. On the first floor, the door reads “STUDENT SUPPORT SERVICES”. They explain that this office exists to help students when something is happening that affects their academics. If some event happens or there is just too much for you to handle, Student Support Services (S^3) will be there to help you get extensions, excuses, or talk with professors.
You are always welcome to talk to your professors, and most people are understanding, but you will never be required to explain your situation to be judged for its validity to someone responsible for your grades.
> YOU ARE NOW CALM, TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO START AGAIN.
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT MIT MENTAL HEALTH, TURN TO [[PAGE 177]]
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT DISABILITY SERVICES, TURN TO [[ PAGE 178]]Page 177
The figure leads you past East Campus, across the street, to the lobby of MIT Medical. The figure explains that MIT Mental Health is on the third floor. They tell you that MIT Mental Health has licensed therapists that you can visit for free. Mental health also has support groups running throughout the semester. They are a great resource for any mental health problems that arise, temporary or permanent. They specialize in acute treatment, but can stay with you for the long haul or refer you to somewhere within walking distance.
> MIT MENTAL HEALTH HAS BALMED YOUR SUFFERING, TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO START AGAIN.
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT SUPPORT SERVICES, TURN TO [[PAGE 176]]
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT DISABILITY SERVICES, TURN TO [[ PAGE 178]]Page 178
The figure leads you to building 5. They explain that Student Disability Services (SDS) is an office that helps students that may need accommodations, whether for assignments, classes, or exams. SDS works with all disabilities, seen or unseen, and will help make sure that every student gets equal footing academically.
> SDS HELPED YOU PASS THROUGH SUFFERING, TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO START OVER
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT STUDENT SUPPORT SERVICES, TURN TO [[PAGE 176]]
> TO HEAR MORE ABOUT MIT MENTAL HEALTH, TURN TO [[PAGE 177]]Page 808
You approach the horse. It has a dog-tag—or would it be horse-tag? Apparently its name is “Potoooooooo.” What a strange name, you think to yourself. A bag is slung over the horse’s back. You inspect the bag and find that it is filled with potatoes. Afraid of any meter maids lurking by, you think that you and the horse should leave this instant.. You don’t know how to ride a horse, but luckily Potoooooooo is a thoroughbred racehorse, so after you saddle up on the horse, it rockets off into the street. As the horse bobs and weaves through traffic, you shut your eyes and hope that your body is intact once it stops. The horse does, in fact, stop after a few minutes of galloping in the streets. You open your eyes and find yourself on a sidewalk in the middle of the Longfellow Bridge. You get off the horse and walk towards the railing. You look over and stare at the water for what seems to be hours. You think it might be fun to throw something at the river. Then again, you should probably go back to the courtyard.
> TO THROW A POTATO IN THE CHARLES RIVER GO TO [[PAGE 1729]]
> TO RETURN TO THE COURTYARD GO TO [[PAGE 15]]
Page 84
The horse’s owner has probably been gone for a while now, and if you don’t want that horse to be towed, you’ll have to pay the parking meter yourself. You take out a couple quarters from your pocket and smile at your good fortune. Unfortunately, there are no parking meters in sight. You turn to the horse. The horse remains motionless as you poke and prod it. It reminds you of the mechanical horses you rode as a kid at the mall. Suddenly, a thought permeates your mind: this horse IS one of those machines that lets you ride it (likely, maybe, probably). After all, a person drove it here and parked it, so it must be a car (perhaps, possibly, could be)! You remember that the horses from the mall only started up when you inserted quarters into the machine. Determined to avoid any fines, you look around the horse to find a place where you can insert your quarters. You approach the horse’s derriere and insert the quarters in the only place you can. You are met with a swift kick to the face….
>................................... GO TO [[PAGE 12345]]
Page 12345
……………………………………………………………………………You wake up and find yourself in small wooden cart with your hands tied. The cart is being pulled by horses and is travelling down a snow-filled mountainside. There are other people in the cart that are also restrained. The person in front of you says, “Hey, you. You’re finally awake. You were trying to cross the border, right?”
> YOU ARE STUCK IN SKYRIM. TURN TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN
Page 1729
You grab several potatoes from the bag and throw them over the railing. They make a nice splash in the water. You turn around to grab the remaining potatoes, but the horse has grabbed the bag with its mouth. You are worried that it is upset with you, but instead of flaring its nostrils and kicking you upside the head, Potoooooooo lets out a whinny and chucks the bag of potatoes over the railing. Both of you stand there as the bag makes a respectable splash. With the potatoes gone, you realize that you have no more business at the bridge, so you decide to head back to East Campus. But right as you are about to get on the horse, you hear a strange sound. It seems to be coming from the water, a never ending drone that, gradually swelling, fills the bridge from end to end. Both you and the horse are freaked out, so you quickly get on the horse and hurry back to East Campus.
YOU HAVE SATIATED HIS APPETITE.
Page 15
You decide to go to the courtyard. After inspecting the sore muscles in your groin, you make the wise decision of walking back to East Campus with the horse in tow. Once you arrive outside the dorm, you say goodbye to Potoooooooo and head to the grills.
> TURN TO [[PAGE 266]]
Page 420
The material seems to unfold itself, straightening all of its angles and flattening itself, as if to return to an original, unprocessed state.You squint, there’s some text. “Hey, what does this say,” you ask the Box, looking up from the wrapper. It’s gone.
> TO READ THE TEXT GO TO [[PAGE 421]]
> TO LOOK FOR THE BOX GO TO [[PAGE 505]]
Page 421
Your eyes glaze over as you begin to read. You feel something take over your body, pushing your consciousness to the back of your skull. You fail to make anything out as words in a language you don’t recognize pour out of your mouth. Through the noise you hear “Krotus,” “COVID” and “Supreme Court Justice.” You finish. The silence of the courtyard screams in your ear. You realize you were reading as loud as you could. Uh oh. You’ve woken the Walker Basement Radio Station zombies.
>TO FIGHT THE WMBR ZOMBIES GO TO [[PAGE 422]]
>TO RUN FROM THE ZOMBIES GO TO [[PAGE 278]]
Page 505
You’ve been searching for several hours now. The phone your daddy bought you is dead. You knew you should have asked for the iPhone 11 Pro Max. You circle back around to the courtyard for the last time. Two figures are standing where the box once was. One is a tall, intimidatingly fashionable but also not aggressively dressed boy with a NASA hat. The motherfucker next to him makes no sense. When you ask them why, they say its because “they don’t like to be seen”. Ok.
> I CHOSE THE SACRIFICE PATH, WHERE ARE THE VIRGINS? [[PAGE 17]]
Page 422
You can’t fight the WMBR zombies.
> YOU HAVE DIED. GO TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN.
Page 278
You can’t run from the WMBR zombies.
> YOU HAVE DIED. GO TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN
Page 17
“Woah my dude” you’re stopped by the tall andorgynous motherfucker, “Virginity is a social construct that is bogus. Why would we sacrifice virgins here if virginity is a meaningless label? First if we don’t even include the queer mess that virginity packs-- what does someone even have to do to lose their virginity? While language is and should be malleable this particular word has become so diffuse as to be almost meaningless, and when we cling to it being any more precise we usually do so at the expense of queers”
“Yes there are much more satisfying people to sacrifice and investigate” said the tall fashionable one.
>TELL ME MORE ON [[PAGE 29]]
Page 29
The two figures escort you to a different part of the courtyard where the CPW-admissions committee has set up a sea of monitors. MIT CP* really does go harder than other colleges. Each computer has a figure’s silhouettes, and they bustle and talk like a farmers market on a Sunday. You approach them. A computer is in the middle on an elevated platform is emailing pdfs of what look to be little red books.
> TO GET A LITTLE RED BOOK GO TO [[PAGE 6]]
> TO TALK TO A PERSON IN THE CROWD GO TO [[PAGE 600]]
Page 6
The booklet plops unceremoniously onto your lap. Where did it come from? It’s embossed with what you think is Cyrillic, but your high school only taught Latin, Chinese, Spanish, Italian, French, Arabic, and Gaelic, so you stare at it blankly. You open it to see Marxist-Leninist quotes, blueprints and instructions for the construction of an OSHA-defying megalith in the EC courtyard, and a detailed plan to unify all halls under a communist government called The Eastside Collective.
> THAT SOUNDS NICE, LEMME HELP GO TO [[PAGE 736]]
> HMMM NOT FOR ME, GO TO [[PAGE 404]]
Page 600
You lean over to talk to one of the computers. They don’t look happy you’ve stopped them. Deep brown eyes peer out at you from under the hood of their Ed Hardy hoodie. “Are you here to build, or are you here for the sacrifice?” Their voice is eerily similar, you’ve heard it before. No matter, they patiently await your answer.
> TO RESPOND “BUILD” GO TO [[PAGE 6]]
> TO RESPOND “SACRIFICE” GO TO [[PAGE 405]]
Page 405
You are sacrificed as a virgin because the computers in the crowd decided their definition of virginity was getting a 36 on the ACT.
> YOU’VE DIED RETURN TO [[PAGE 1]]
Page 736
You look up at the crowd. They’ve stopped bustling, almost forming a circle around you. Suddenly, the ground beneath you starts rumbling and begins to rise. A megaphone is thrust into your hands. The Council has recognized your natural leadership skills and you’ve been onboarded as an organizer now.
> You are immediately elected hall-chair and join the grad student union despite still being a protofrosh, congrats.
Page 404
Page not fucking found
> IT'S EITHER VIRGINS OR THE BOURGEOIS, GO TO [[PAGE 1]] TO TRY AGAIN