Haley: You can't motorboat someone while wearing a balaclava without it being a little weird.

Charlotte (to Rachel): Your tits have never been at rest.

Fuzzy: I'll just pencil in "dwarf semen" for now.

Kim: Where should I put the ellipses?
Haley: In every orifice.

Fuzzy: I would totally strap on some fake titties for Melissa Etheridge.

Haley: As long as your feelings-penis doesn't go into his angst-butthole, it's okay.

Rudy: You gotta be, like, a BUFFALO to survive this hall!!
Leonid: Dude, buffalo don't survive.

Sarah: There'd be no yeast infections, because we'd lick it alllllll off.

Robin: I like penises because they have emotions! Vaginas don't really have emotions.
Deanna: Vaginas just have weather.

Deanna: Wake me up when November ends.

Helena: I was so busy trying to not feel feelings that I forgot to feel his name.

Molly: I'm thinking of redoing the Fifth East website after finals.
Fuzzy: I don't know, I like the way the website is now.
Haley: Our website is from the early 90s, just like our post-punk aesthetic.

Trevor: I have a regular penis!!

Rudy: I'm going to organize a pan-fifth-east social. It'll be great!

James: That's like bringing a knife to a gun party, motherfucking pokefan with his rattata.

Haley: I love being in charge of things because when I tell people to go fuck themselves they can't do anything except go and fuck themselves!

Kyle: There is only one level of drunk.
Rudy: What's that?
Kyle: Very.

Haley: The whores don't despawn, Kyle.

Anchen: The reason I wanted to learn astronomy was so I could know the names of constellations and drop girls' panties with them.

Betsy: I hear she's the best Putz freshman, but like, to be fair you could trip over that bar.

Rudy: Aww, hello little cockroach! Do you want to learn about food chemistry? Do you want to learn about food chemistry just like your friend did? YEAAAARGHDIE!!!!
*splat*
Rudy: THIS IS MY BOOMSTICK

Kaylee: 99% marijuana, 1% rape culture.

Charlotte: For your information, I wasn't having sex, I was just trying to make the mattress make that weird noise it made before.

Molly: And Jesus said to them: turn the other tit.

Haley: It's like those ads that're like "sex isn't an accident"...but instead of a penis, there are handcuffs.

Kyle: Be the pong you want to see on hall.

Rudy: I'm going to jack off until I masturbate.

James: I don't like my flat penis.