Nobody:
Martin: I'm from Philadelphia

Tesla: We've learned today that there are a large number of swords around hall, but none of them are fruit slicing swords

Karina: The A in LGBTQA stands for Adrian
Adrian: Yes, of course

Annie: There's a new feature on Bumble to filter by zodiac sign
Sophie: That's so dumb, haven't they heard of the zodiac killer

Allie: WhAt'S wRoNg WiTh wEt SoCkS

*The Reif Scandal Series: *
Maia's Mom: "I do not recall" ... "Who can really say what was happening as I looked at this piece of paper with my eyes and evaluated it and found it acceptable and written my personal name on it" ... "what is paper, anyway? what is eyes" ... "we all have nams, is what I'm saying"
Hector: "I did not have..." *checks with lawyers* "...intimate relations with that piece of paper."

Tesla: *to EC Discuss: * Does anyone have a Metal Detector? A squirrel stole my key and then ran through the courtyard. It didn't have it by the time I cornered the squirrel. Please help me find my key.

Maia: Are we talking about Jesus?
Annie/Joe: No! Krotus!

Martin: What if we had studded condoms but the studs are sex jokes in braille

Hector: I swear you said something racist about Mexicans too
Martin: Was it funny?
Hector: No
Martin: Then it couldn't possibly have been me

Hector: I remember because you told me this before
Martin: I was just pullin' a Hector and repeating stories

Adrian: *in reference to Pokemon* Wait, why is Sahara a Corvisquire?
Federico: Because she's a cold ass bitch on the outside, but she actually just wants to cuddle and gets nervous meeting new people

AJ: Tesla, were your parents from Arizona before you were born?
Tesla: No, my mom's from Miami and my dad's from Chicago
AJ: Oh, ok, I was thinking you know... Tulsa? Tesla? idk.. I feel like there's something deeper there

Antares: I want to feel like an earwig squished between two couch cushions

Amy: Attention is like sex, but for the soul

Joe: I feel like I look good, but homeless. That's a very Fifth East vibe.

Gabe: I'm just say all the dominatrix... the dom... dominatrices? Hahahahaha ya sure, the domimatrices I've seen have all been tall.

Tesla: She's gonna die! I'm so excited.

Sahara: I want you to tear it apart.
Hector: My pants??
Sahara: No! The film, man!

*Adrian vibrating the entirety of Laurel at approximately 5 Hz*
Laurel: hhhhhhhhhhhhh... okay wait stop, it's getting to the point where I'm getting aroused

Antares: We need more femme doms teaching in academia. Imagine how much you'd learn

Kevin: If you punch yourself, and it hurts, are you weak or strong?

Annie: We're all just big chickens walking around

Chris: Which frosh was Allie?
Tesla: The one that was kind of floppy

Grace: I just don't know how you sleep with a Nazi without knowing.

Antares:Siesta is a Lesbian. You heard it here first.

Fernie: What does the "I" in "LGBTQI" stand for?
Linda: Indecisive

Antares: Despair is kind of scenic though

Tesla: I bet that Hector remembers how thermal expansion works
Hector: Ya *rubs breasts/nipples aggresively in a circular motion*

Ben: Where's Laurel???
Karina: She's at JC's
Ben: But I wanted to have sex with her :^(
Karina: Well she's too busy having sex with other people, so

Hector: fuck you and your entropy

Kaarel: We hate lesbians here
Adrian: Goin' on the quote page
Kaarel: Okay I hate all the gays now
Federico: Whatever, bring us gummies

Antares: I don't wear ax body spray for others, I wear it for myself. But I can cuddle you if you want a smell

Grace: Only two types of people take 8.022: physics majors, and try hard freshmen. And you aren't a physics major, so what does that make you?
Senior Tesla : A try hard freshman
Grace: Just so we're clear.

Linda: Everything is difficult with these Shrimp Hands

Maia: Welcome to fifth East. Leave your good attitude at the door. We only want bad attitudes here

Maia: I just really want to have had coronavirus this whole time. I just think it'd be funny.(this quote was submitted the day before we were evicted)

Antares: Siesta FELL ASLEEP on your flannel. Further evidence.

Allie: Can we get a zoomed in pic of the cigar from the seals mural in 420.
Nolan: Excuse me sir. That is a blunt. And those are Manatees.

Sahara: I Want To DIE This is Crazy

Vice Chancellor Ian Waitz: You know what they say. This is an MIT-Hard problem.

Nine: "(in response to BC renovations) Can we have swing dorm?""We have swing dorm at home." Swing dorm at home.

Nolan: um excuse me it's called a demitasse ʘ_ʘ

Tesla: You didn't even like my eyebrow slit pic. R we even gay?
Antares: After much consideration, i have decided to be homophobic ///:

Tesla: Aha. Ok. I need to go learn some gradient descent so I can graduate decent.

Federico: You're a whore Laurel
Laurel: *coyly* I don't care
Karina: A little selfish whore Laurel

Ben: A red baseball cap with text?... Thats not good.

Kevin: Anyways. Here's wonderwall. *strums guitar*

Maia: goth sex is better sex