Things We May or May Not Have Said, Volume VIII
2010-2011
Karen: I taught Fuzzy and Genny to say "are you 18 or older" in French so we should be solid
Jordan: Look! Look! Donald's full of rainbows!
Ducky: Holy shit. A drinking cane. I want.
Fuzzy: I think the length of a cane would make it kinda awkward to drink out of.
Cubby: Solution: make the handle big and keep the flask there. Bonus: the rest of the cane is free to store a sword.
Eli: Better yet: make a drinking sword to put inside your cane.
Mkbehr: Or forget the cane and just carry around the drinking sword.
Eli: Or forget the sword and just carry around a bottle of whiskey.
Cubby: If you made a knife in a whitesmithing class, would it be a healing knife?
Fuzzy: And then the Pharaoh was like, "TITS OR GTFO" and Moses had no tits, and therefore he GTFOed.
Karen: If friendship really were magic you wouldn't schedule My Little Pony-watching when I'm in lab :(
Kim: Friendship is totally magic! I put a cupcake in your room!
Jordan: Friendship is magic! You're just not magical. <3
Jordan: I only care about fashion! Not food.
Amittai: Jordan, food has fashion, too.
Jordan: Not unless I'm wearing it. Which I could.
Jordan: I want to eat sushi off of whatever gender naked Lady Gaga happens to be... I also want to eat sushi off of a rainbow, but I feel like then it would be soggy.
Brogan: Guys, why was the cider frozen?
Cubby: BECAUSE ALL TREAUSRE MUST BE BALACNAED WITH AN APPAROPRIATE CHALLENGE
Jordan: Would Anne Hunter let my thesis be a fashion show?????!?!?!
Karen: I googled "naked woman" ... Google asked me if I wanted "naked women"
Karen: What constitutes prostitution / escorts?
Gabe: "Your mother"
Karen: Gabriel, -i work is serious business.
Karen: Motherfuckers. Totally ran out of disk space AND feather boas are hella expensive.
Jordan: I like to imagine Google is full of shiny coders with dreams!
Karen: I want to get more Jewish intern friends so I can refer to them as my "Hebros"
Fuzzy: You should get your Hebros to schelp and schlep and schlep until they're schvitzing all up in this bitch
Karen: Except we just code, so if we're schvitzing while coding, something is wrong
Jordan: Karen! Karen! Don't you remember when you said when I did brave things, I get 1/4 of a bro testicle and after I've gotten one complete ball, we can chill in the lounge and drink natty ice???? DX
Karen: ...I don't remember saying this at all.
but it seems like a thing I would say sarcastically and you would interpret as serious.
Leonid: I definitely remember you saying that.
Cubby: My name is Roller Coaster 1, king of roller coasters. Look on my Excitement and Intensity ratings, ye mighty, and despair.
...Some pathetic mortal guest has thrown up by the exit to the ferris wheel.
They should count themselves lucky I didn't see them, or the decorative pool would stop being purely decorative.
Jordan: There are totally people who might not know I like Lady GaGa
Karen: "You last purchased this item on February 1" Look, Amazon, I dislike my tendency to lose cables as much as you do, so you don't have to make fun of me.
Jordan: Can I make you into a hip[STAR]???? :D
Ducky: If I were Blofeld, I would do routine "Bond sweeps"
Moeller: "No one is allowed to have sex on Tuesdays. All rooms are equipped with sensors and will immediately gas the room upon detection of coitus"
Karen: As Albert Einstein famously said, "Unthinking respect for authority is the greatest enemy of truth."
...Or, as I like to put it, "fuck all you bitches."
Karen: The real question is whether the other interns will dress up ridiculously. I don't want to be the only retard dressed in 80's clothing
Clayton: Fuck those people, this is where the douchebag differentiation occurs. Get Pretty in Pink, Karen
Ducky: I got 99 problems but an extended cold war metaphor isn't one of them
Paul K: I have 99 problems and bitches, in fact, constitute several of them
Fred: I have 99 problems and bitches are all of them
ctl: I have 99 problems but due to hashing some of them are actually the same problem
akhripin: I had 99 problems and then I used a regular expression. Now I have 100 problems.
Cody: I was usually drunk when I was funny
Donald (on alcohol): Sometimes you just gotta drown your problems. And then you're like, "fuck you, problems. You can't swim!"
Karen (to Fuzzy): We named our car after you. Because it's blue and fabulous.
Ducky: I'm actually trying really hard to not offend you ... while still making Nazi jokes.
Jordan: I wish I was that lady who's in love with the Eiffel Tower. That lady has it *made*.
Keith: PCP...that's one of those 'performance enhancing' drugs. Lets you fight 12 cops!
Karen: We're talking about a hypothetical world in which I've discovered time travel and gotten a sex change in order to travel back in time and seduce Alan Turing. I don't think that me enjoying being the catcher is the least likely part of this scenario.
Sergei: Ok, that's not weird. People having sex in like....dinosaur costumes, now *that's* weird. But spitting? That's not weird at all.
Jordan: When I think of inspiring people, I think of ranting at them until they accept my ways. That's called brainwashing, right?
Genny: But I am warm and fuzzy ... on the inside.
Fuzzy: Yes. You are now my third mother.
Donald: Guys, it's simple math. Fuzzy has two gay parents, so by simple statistics he has to be gay. Let's do the math: What is 10% times 10%?
[blank looks]
Donald: 100%
[collective facepalm]
Cody: What do you need him for?
Jordan: I like talking to him when I'm sad!
Cody: Could you replace him....with chocolate?
(later)
Karen: So, could you replace him with chocolate?
Jordan: No! Chocolate doesn't listen!
(Karen and Jordan are talking about boys)
Karen: Hey, Cody! You can lend a new perspective!
(some time passes)
Cody: You know what you should do! You should go out on a date with a girl. Then, all the boys will want you! Also, I made a Sputnik pretzel!
Karen: ...maybe we shouldn't've invited Drunk Cody
Fuzzy: And they'll both be working at good companies, so they'll be able to afford a good bottle of wine: like a ten dollar bottle of wine!
Greg (to Karen): See, this is why we never had sex! That, and because you rejected me.
Sergei: I tried! I told them to take their pants off! And they were like "why?" And I was like "it's not an orgy if you're wearing pants!"
Sergei: Cokeheads are professional drug users.
Donald: That's pretty much true. Professionals or bitches anyway
[Confused looks from others]
Donald: What man!? The internet taught me: Bitches love coke.
Sergei: Man it's pretty much true. It's like one of the three laws.
Donald: Yeah, it's true. These are the rules:
Donald & Sergei: 3. Bitches love coke.
Ted: So what exactly is Gossip Girl?
Cody: Basically, it is upper-class urban white girl Wikileaks.
Kate: What? That's bullshit! The best defense is a strong offense! You form a wall and the other team can't score! Cody: It's a fucking metaphor, dear.
Leonid: Oh man, it's totally like that one scene from the Bible.
Donald: Aw Yeah Ducktales: Biblical allegory all up in this bitch!
Sergei: Man, I would totally fuck a plane.
Karen: ... like a G6?
Karen: Donald, whose version of reality do you ACTUALLY believe right now?
Donald: None of them, but they're all beautiful!
Jordan: I could TOTALLY be in the military... why are you all laughing?!
Fuzzy: And I reached into that cavity, and there were NO FUCKING GIBLETS. So I went back to the butcher, and was like "I got this turkey, but there were no giblets! Do you have any spare giblets?" And he was like "No." And I was like "Well fuck you!" How the fuck am I supposed to make gravy if there are NO FUCKING GIBLETS?
Jordan: Fifth East. It's like porn mixed with war