I haven't done enough drugs to have a weird medical condition.

If I were a teacher, I'd eat my students.

Are you guys into vandalism? Because I've been thinking about getting into vandalism.

... And then I couldn't find my xanax, because I was on xanax.

If you have been led to believe that I have completed any of my assignments sober, I am sorry.

Person 1: I have narcolepsy!
Everyone else: Yaaaaaaay!

The nearest bathroom is directly proportional to your sense of shame.

My relationship is not open, it's just ajar.

WWI was a silly little romp

Can you be my cum-dumpster?

I didn't acquire a taste for hard liquor by drinking mixed drinks.

It wasn't until Ama that I ever looked at a cat's asshole and thought, 'That's a nice one.'

Well, I'm in the shower. It can't be dry period when you're in the shower.

I just sucked a dick in front of all these people.

Holy shit, you fuck like a team.

I would bang a freshman if I was a single grad student

There's a reason they call it heroin and not hero-lose

I'm not depedent on alcohol, I just abuse it.

I broke up with her, then whipped my dick out and crossed the street to get shrimp burritos

I am the fairy of marijuana

I just didn't do enough cocaine.

I would live in the dank for you.

I think I blacked out with all the latex in my mouth.

Inebriation is not a malady.

He was so small, I couldnt go down on him far enough

I get sad because people will see that quote and think it's just taken out of context. But no, I actually sucked someone's dick in kindergarden.

I had the same experience, but I sucked his dick. Have you never heard this story? About kindergarden?

Double fisting? Is that like fisting with two fists?

No! You can't raw dog with your fist! Incorrect!

You shouldn't keep drinking after you throw up...
That's not what my parents told me!

Get sig ep involved and we've got a national network of drunks.

It's hard to have sex with someone if you don't even know if the dick is your own. Or your body. I can be five inches deep in a person and just think 'what is reality?'

I first learned about fisting and I was like "oh, it can't be that hard." Then I tried it and I was like "oh, it's that hard."

It's like on a scale of rigid to floopy. You know how he randomly pokes you in the stomach and screams? That's past floopy. Floopy is me after two shots of cucumber vodka.

I'm sort of glad gay marriage isn't legal because I have commitment issues. [Ed: So I have good news and bad news...]

As a mentor, one of the things I strive to improve is your racism game.

The drunk leading the high. What could be more Fifth Fast?

I covered the Krotus on my wall with posters because I felt like Krotus was watching me masturbate.

I would go to the ends of the earth if i knew there was dick at the end.
So you're a long-range dick-seeking face missile.

I think about all things in units of 'can I have sex in this time period'.

My vagina has evolved.

It's far too cold for that. And this is coming from someone who fucked in the igloo.

(On his math professor): I would let him prove the existence and uniqueness of my asshole.

I'm like the sexy receptionist in your drug dentist's office.

I'm not laughing at your dick, that was just hilarious.

(In a towel): I'm not going back in there until he puts on some clothes and takes the snake off of his neck.

I'm sidecar-ing this 8.01 pset.

My tolerance is higher than I am.

I forgot about reality; everything was pretzels.

Well, dicks aren't vegetarian.

Boob Science! I have accelerometers on my tits!

"I'm in a long term relationship. Her name is alcohol."

"Don't be the one in the threesome who has to wash jizz out of their hair."

"I looked windswept, except instead of wind it was dicks."

"You can't smoke raisins! They aren't in Erowid!"

"Is my ass on fire?"

"It's like twins fucking, but without the incest."

"Lick your butt. Do it!"

"Everyone can suck it up and get their own booze, like big underage drinkers."

"Pop quiz kids: D is for ... "
"DRUGS!"
"ಠ_ಠ ... discretion."

"SO MANY DRUGS!!"
"Could you please not yell that."

"Does it count as 'the munchies' if we're fighting over dry ramen noodles?"
"Yes. That is the definition of 'the munchies'."

"It's fine, I can browse the internet one-handed."

"No, you see, the alcohol is addicted to me, it's desperate to get inside me."

"Gravity isn't proportional to mass, it's proportional to amount of alcohol consumed."

"I will go down on someone when she's all bloody down there, but I will not smell that milk!"

"The thing about virgins is, when they snap, it's epic"

"When I was little no one wanted to be Scary Spice because they didn't want to be black, but I volunteered so that makes me not racist."

"I just had a threesome and I had to tell someone!"

"Don't thank me, I'm not a present."

lounge:"<redacted>, how many pensises have you had personal experience with?" redacted:"You have no idea"

"I worry because I love. I love because I want to avoid lawsuits for the hall."

"I reject your baked goods *and* your friendship!"

"His pa is weak. He is thusfar without honor."

"Chia pet o' resentment!"

"I hate bridges; they catch fire so easily."

"A little suffering goes a long way."

"Why are you guys running away? You were laughing two seconds ago.. before I started humping my virtual Spock."

"Does anything else rhyme with hope, other than mope?"
"Grope?"

"I'm undergoing Lamarckian evolution. I'm growing an organ specifically to process angst."

"Did I tell you that I've declared myself a drug weasel?"
"Haha! No."
"I decided that mule sounds too subservient. Weasels are all about themselves, yo."
"I see."
"Plus, that means I can have a drug burrow and eat eggs while birds aren't looking."

"I'm naked and I need duct tape, fast."

Person 1: Don't drink that koolaid. Do not drink it even if it busts through your wall.
Person 2: If it busts through my wall, I'm totally drinking it.

"It's unsettling to hug you while you're growling."

"I don't deal well with being single either, but at least I don't hang out with a bad crowd because of it. Unless my plants count as a bad crowd... which they might."

Fine, we'll put a wig on him and he can be Pedantic.

And then [ ] tried to keep me from being evil, but that's like trying to keep a plant from bending towards the sun.

I,I "What's the Greek goddess of social warfare?"

"Circle of hate."
"Indeed. we've gone beyond the tetrahedron of judgment."

"There's a class of people who think all's fair in love and war."
"We call half of these people war criminals."

"Clone Wars II: The Continued Adventures of the Angst Brigade in the Land of Schadenfreude"

"I don't like risk, and I don't like change, and I hate going on Adventures!"

"If you lose your virginity while blindfolded, are you sure you really lost your virginity?"