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CHORUS.
Upon our sea-girt land
At our enforced command
Reform has laid her hand
Like some remorseless ogress--
And made us darkly rue
The deeds she dared to do--
And all is owing to
Those hated Flowers of Progress!
So down with them!
So down with them!
Reform's a hated ogress.
So down with them!
So down with them!
Down with the Flowers of Progress!
(Flourish. Enter King, his three daughters, Lady Sophy, and the Flowers
of Progress.)
King: What means this most unmannerly irruption?
Is this your gratitude for boons conferred?
Scaphio: Boons? Bah! A fico for such boons, say we!
These boons have brought Utopia to a standstill!
Our pride and boast--the Army and the Navy--
Have both been reconstructed and remodeled
Upon so irresistible a basis
That all the neighboring nations have disarmed--
And War's impossible! Your County Councillor
Has passed such drastic Sanitary laws
That all doctors dwindle, starve, and die!
The laws, remodeled by Sir Bailey Barre,
Have quite extinguished crime and litigation:
The lawyers starve, and all the jails are let
As model lodgings for the working-classes!
In short--Utopia, swamped by dull Prosperity,
Demands that these detested Flowers of Progress
Be sent about their business, and affairs
Restored to their original complexion!
King: (to Zara) My daughter, this is a very unpleasant state of
things. What is to be done?
Zara: I don't know--I don't understand it. We must have omitted
something.
King: Omitted something? Yes, that's all very well, but--- (Sir
Bailey Barre whispers to Zara.)
Zara: (suddenly) Of course! Now I remember! Why, I had forgot-
ten the most essential element of all!
King: And that is?---
Zara: Government by Party! Introduce that great and glorious
element--at once the bulwark and foundation of England's
greatness--and all will be well! No political measures will
endure, because one Party will assuredly undo all that the
other Party has done; and while grouse is to be shot, and
foxes worried to death, the legislative action of the coun-
try will be at a standstill. Then there will be sickness in
plenty, endless lawsuits, crowded jails, interminable confu-
sion in the Army and Navy, and, in short, general and unex-
ampled prosperity!
All: Ulahlica! Ulahlica!
Phantis: (aside) Baffled!
Scaphio: But an hour will come!
King: Your hour has come already--away with them, and let them
wait my will! (Scaphio and Phantis are led off in custody.)
From this moment Government by Party is adopted, with all
its attendant blessings; and henceforward Utopia will no
longer be a Monarchy Limited, but, what is a great deal
better, a Limited Monarchy!
FINALE
Zara: There's a little group of isles beyond the wave--
So tiny, you might almost wonder where it is--
That nation is the bravest of the brave,
And cowards are the rarest of all rarities.
The proudest nations kneel at her command;
She terrifies all foreign-born rapscallions;
And holds the peace of Europe in her hand
With half a score invincible battalions!
Such, at least, is the tale
Which is born on the gale,
From the island which dwells in the sea.
Let us hope, for her sake
That she makes no mistake--
That she's all the professes to be!
King: Oh, may we copy all her maxims wise,
And imitate her virtues and her charities;
And may we, by degrees, acclimatize
Her Parliamentary peculiarities!
By doing so, we shall in course of time,
Regenerate completely our entire land--
Great Britain is the monarchy sublime,
To which some add (others do not) Ireland.
Such at least is the tale, etc.
CURTAIN.