Star Trek Top Ten Lists
           ...Classes at Starfleet Academy
           ...April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
           ...Changes if ST:TNG had Sponsers
           ...Ways to Shut Up a Non-Trek GF/BF without killing 'em
           ...Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek
           ...Bumperstickers for the USS Enterprise
           ...Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command
           of the Enterprise
      Trek Lists:
           Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head
           Surefire Signs That Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life
           20 Things That /Never//Happen/ in Star Trek
 
Starts Here...
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 The Top Ten Classes at Starfleet Academy
 
 10) Command 302: Wining in No-Win Situations
 9) Communications 101: Opening Hailing Frequencies
 8) Space Law 206: Avoiding Court-Martial
 7) Navigation 101: Standard Orbits
 6) Philosophy 203: Why All Major Systems Fail at the Same Time
 5) Command 255: Choosing Minor Landing Party Members Who Will Die
 4) Astrophysics 199: Recognizing Unknown Phenomenon
 3) Command 309: Creative Obedience to Starfleet Orders
 2) Engineering 422: Making Radical Technological Advances Under Time
 Pressure
 1) Space Law 499: The Prime Directive and How to get around it
 
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 The Top Ten April Fool's Jokes on the Enterprise
 
 10) Everybody act like Riker is the captain
 9) Pretend you've been taken over by an alien being
 8) Program the replicator in Troi's room so that it won't make
 chocolate
 7) Replay file tape of Borg ship on main viewer
 6) Tell Data that Starfleet has decided to dismantle him
 5) Put a small speaker in Dr. Crusher's bedroom to play garbled voices
 4) Lock Picard in the children's schoolroom with several children and
 no adults
 3) Substitute some of Dr. Crusher's moss with moss showing 24 hours
 more growth
 2) Put a sign on Worf's back that says "K'ick Me!"
 1) Yell into your communicator "Captain, the antimatter containment
 fields are collapsing"
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 The Top Ten changes if Starfleet has sponsors
 
 10) O'Brien would say "Thank you for using the Federation Express
 transporter. When you absolutely, positively have to get there
 instantly"
 9) Starfleet uniforms would carry Pepsi logos and say "Pepsi, the
 choice of the Next Generation"
 8) Main bridge viewscreen would have "VH1" in the corner
 7) Holodeck doors would say Sony Trinitron System
 6) Communicator pins would be in the shape of an alligator
 5) Mercedes symbol painted on the saucer section
 4) Turbolifts would have "OTIS ELEVATOR" signs
 3) Ten-Forward would have a large neon "Miller Litespeed" sign
 2) After communicator beeps, a voice says, "Thank you for using AT&T"
 1) Enterprise name changed to American Express Enterprise
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 Top Ten Ways to Shut up a Non-Trek Girlfriend (or BF) Without Killing
 Her:
 
 10. Tell her "Your ears canna stan the strain!"
 9. Vulcan Neck Pinch
 8. Have an Android made of her then when she starts speaking tell her
 to "Shut Up!" (See, "I, Mudd" - TOS episode)
 7. Wave Phaser in her face and tell her you will stun her with it.
 6. Use transporter to split her into two seperate personalities.
 Phaser Evil Girlfriend and keep Good Girlfriend. (See, "The Enemy
 Within" - TOS episode)
 5. Tell her your watching the episode where Picard gets naked.
 4. Ask if she wants to see the Picard Maneuver
 3. Try, "Computer - End Program"
 2. Tell her she's in violation of the Prime Directive and she is
 interfering with a lesser developed civilization.
 1. Borg her.
 
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 The Top 10 Signs You've Watched Too Much Star Trek:
 
 10) You send weekly love letters to the actress who played the Green
 Skinned Orion Slave Girl in episode number 7.
 9) You pull the legs off your hamster so you'll have a tribble.
 8) You tried to join the Navy just so you could serve aboard the
 Enterprise..
 7) Your wife left you because you wanted her to dress like a Klingon
 and torture you for information.
 6) You went to San Francisco to see if you might bump into Kirk and
 crew while they were in the 20th century looking for a whale.
 5) Your college thesis was a Comparison of the Illustrious Careers of
 T.J. Hooker and Capt. Kirk.
 4) You fly into a homicidal rage anytime people say "Star Trek? Isn't
 that the one with Luke Skywalker?"
 3) You have no life.
 2) You recognize more than 4 references on this list.
 1) You join NASA, hijack a shuttle, and head for the coordinates you
 calculated for the planet Vulcan.
 
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 Top Ten Bumperstickers for the U.S.S Enterprise
 
 10. "Our other starship separates into 3 pieces!"
 9. "One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it"
 8. "HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!"
 7. "Guns don't kill people...Class 2 Phasers do!"
 6. "Zero to Warp 9.7 in 13 seconds!"
 5. "CAUTION...We have a trigger happy Klingon at tactical."
 4. "If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too
 close?"
 3. "Have you hugged a Ferengi today?"
 2. "We brake for cubes!"
 1. "Wesley On Board!"
 
 Best Bumpersticker on Borg ship:
 "Blonde Borgs have the same fun."
 
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 Top Ten Reasons Why The Three Stooges Could Easily Take Command of the
 Enterprise
 
 10) Troi would not comprehend their emotions: "Captain, I
 sense...whoo! whoo! ...You numbskull.... Why, I oughta..."
 9) Riker will be reduced to tears when they call him "Fat Boy."
 8) Transporter. Cream pie. You get the picture.
 7) Curly could jam turbolifts with his head, rendering security unable
 to leave their deck.
 6) Larry, Moe and Curly have already been where no man has been
 before.
 5) The enterprise crew will be mesmerized by Curly as he does the
 curly shuffle, and Moe and Larry will take control of the enterprise.
 4) Wesley won't be there to save the Enterprise in the last few
 minutes with something he learned in science class.
 3) Picard doesn't know the block.
 2) If Curly can take a led pipe to the head, he's just going to laugh
 at a fazer on stun.
 1) Any stooge can outrun Enterprise security.
 
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 Top 20 Uses for Data's Detached Head
 
 20. Combination paperweight/stapler for Picard's desk
 19. The ball in Parisis' Squares
 18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
 17. Replace Troi's broken Chia Pet
 16. Scare blind students in Braille class
 15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
 14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
 13. Footstool for Captain's chair
 12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
 11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
 10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
 9. Decorative air filter in picard's fish tank
 8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get "ahead"
 in research
 7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
 6. Two words: tether ball
 5. Keep Worf's coffee table from shaking
 4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
 3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
 2. Use as nutcracker at Christmas time
 
 and the number one use for Data's detatched head...
 
 1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life
 insurance policy
 
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 Surefire Signs that Star Trek is Taking Over Your Life:
 
 1. Saying "make it so" in casual conversation
 2. Indignation because the periodic table doesn't include dilithium
 and tritanium.
 3. Able to use "variable phase inverter" in a sentence without
 excessive thought first
 4. More than one pair of Spock ears on junk drawer
 5. Have figured out the stardate system
 6. Sudden urge to wear lots of Lycra
 7. Scanning shelves at local liquor store for synthehol
 8. The Star Trek theme becomes background music for your dreams
 9. Major quote sources for thesis are Shakespeare, the Bible, and "The
 Omega Glory"
 10. Memorization of the crew's authorization codes
 11. Forgetting that present-day elevators don't have voice interface
 12. Attending a convention wearing non-Terran vestments
 13. Actual serious thoughts about buying that $300 model of the
 Enterprise from the Franklin Mint
 14. Understanding Klingon
 15. Lecturing any science professor on how transporters work
 16. Playing fizzbin and understanding it
 17. "The Outrageous Okona" seems like a fine piece of writing and
 dramatic stylistics
 18. Paying rapt attention during those endless special effects
 sequences in ST:TMP
 19. Inexplicable rock-climbing urges
 20. More than three original episode outlines buried in your drawers
 
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 20 Things that never happen in Star Trek
 
 1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has
 encountered several times before.
 2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who
 are all perfectly alright.
 3. Some of the crew visits the holodeck, and it works properly.
 4. The crew of the Enterprise discovers a totally new life form, which
 later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a
 funny hat.
 5. The crew of the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious plague, for
 which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise
 sick-bay.
 6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
 people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
 Directive.
 7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to
 another without a serious incident.
 8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface
 with the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten
 to bring the right leads.
 9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
 faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering
 staff.
 10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence
 which does not put them on trial.
 11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence
 which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
 12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where
 everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon
 revealed to be exactly what it seems.
 13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
 fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
 everyone's satisfaction.
 14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which
 is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
 15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
 and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
 16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly
 obvious.
 17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
 themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
 Wesley Crusher.
 18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
 git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
 for a change.
 19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not
 being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
 sentences that anyone says to him.
 20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.