By Chuck Shepherd Lead Story * Early in the morning on October 30, a man described by the New York Daily News as a "career criminal" was apprehended in the middle of a burglary at an upscale Fire Island, N. Y., home. The residents had arisen to check out noises in the house but found no one. However, in the vicinity of a closet door, they heard flatulence and discovered Richard Magpiong, 56, hiding in a closet. They held him until police arrived. [N. Y. Daily News, 11-1-94] THE LITIGIOUS SOCIETY * According to Department of Justice figures, 30,000 inmate lawsuits were filed last year (added to heavy backlogs--over 28,000 in New York alone) against prison officials for "civil rights" violations, the vast majority described by judges and court officials as frivolous. Among the lawsuits were those by prisoners complaining: that the prison canteen supplied "creamy" peanut butter when he bought "crunchy"; that guards wouldn't refrigerate his ice cream snack so that he could eat it later ($1 million lawsuit); that his toilet seat was too cold; that, as an inmate-paralegal in the prison law library, he should make the same wage that lawyers make; that prisons should offer salad bars ($129 million); that a limit on the number of Kool-Aid refills is "cruel and unusual punishment"; and that the scrambled eggs were cooked too hard. In New York, 20% of the entire budget of the Attorney General's office is spent on prisoner lawsuits. [New York Times, 3-21-94; St. Petersburg Times-Newhouse, 7-15-94; Columbia Daily Tribune-AP, 6-26-94; Boston Globe, Oct94] * Amil Dinsio, 58, filed a $15 million lawsuit in May against the United Carolina Bank in Charlotte, N. C., from his federal prison cell in Loretto, Pa., where he serving four years for robbing the bank in 1992. Sentencing guidelines call for consideration of the amount of money involved in the robbery, and Dinsio accused the bank of fraudulently inflating the amount, resulting in his spending an extra 16 months in prison. [St. Petersburg Times-Reuters, 5-16-94] * Janet S. Robinson filed a lawsuit in Roanoke, Va., in April, asking $100,000 in damages for an ankle injury she suffered when hit by a truck. The truck was a remote-controlled toy truck operated by another customer at the Kay-Bee Toys store at Valley View Mall. Robinson called her injury "serious" and the consequences of the accident "pain, humiliation, aggravation, and disability." [Roanoke Times & World News, Apr94] * Former Durham, N. C., police officer Bernard Bagley filed a lawsuit in July against the police department, asking $3 million. Bagley is serving two life sentences for shooting his wife to death with his service revolver, and now says the department should not have issued him a gun, since he was suffering from anxiety attacks. [Durham Herald-Sun, 7-28-94] * In July, ex-student Jason Wilkins sued the University of Idaho for $940,000 to pay for injuries he suffered when he fell through a third-story dormitory window while mooning students. Wilkins had climbed onto a three-foot-high heater to reach the window but claimed the University should have posted warnings. [San Luis Obispo Telegram-Tribune-AP, Aug94; USA Today, 8-23-94] * In August, comedian Jackie Mason told reporters he had filed a $25 million lawsuit against the five theatrical groups responsible for Broadway's Tony awards because they had failed to nominate him in any category. He claimed that the lack of recognition for his one-man show "Jackie Mason: Politically Incorrect," was "an abridgment of my rights as a human being." [Arizona Republic, 8-14-94] * The Missouri Pacific Railroad announced in August that it had paid an undisclosed amount of money to the families of a Mexican couple to settle their wrongful-death lawsuit. The two undocumented immigrants were hit by a train and killed when they stopped on the tracks near McAllen, Tex., to rest. Law enforcement officials said such immigrants often rest on railroad tracks where they are safe from border patrol heat sensors. [McAllen Monitor, 8-19-94] * In October, Carla S. Koch filed a lawsuit in Cheshire, Conn., against the municipal dog-obedience school for an incident last year in which she slipped in a puddle of dog drool and broke her ankle. She said the school should have had a mat on the floor. [N. Y. Times-AP, 10-14-94] PEOPLE WITH TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS * In April, University of Toronto English professor Eleanor Cook was awarded grants totaling around $85,000 (U.S.) to spend the next 2-1/2 years studying "the structure and function" of the riddle. Said Cook, "I want to think about long-term patterns in riddles... and the long-term decisions in our lives." [Edmonton Journal-Toronto Star, 4-29-94] * During the third week in June, reporters in Huntington, Ind., and Providence, R. I., coincidentally published features about local collectors of outhouses. Huntington's Hy Goldenberg collects actual privies, and now has 12, but Virginia Williams collects only photographs of them, of which she now has about 100. [Athens Messenger-AP, 6-16-94] [Providence Journal-Bulletin, 6-16-94] * Among current course selections at Oregon State University's Food Science and Technology department is a one-credit class, "The Maraschino Cherry." Among the lecturers were two retired professors who returned especially to talk on the history of the maraschino cherry. Said course professor Ron Wrolstad, "I think the students were just awed to have these professors there." [[College News, Mar94]] * The Los Angeles Times reported in July that engineer Walt Netschert has invented a smokers' hat with a facial apparatus that he says completely filters the noxious elements out of cigarette smoke before it is released into the air. A filtering locker, which is about 6 inches square by 3 inches high, cleanses the smoke and is strapped onto the smoker's forehead. A clear plastic shield drops down in front of his face to trap the smoke, which is then drawn up into the filter. Netschert, who has smoked for 40 years because cigarettes calm his nerves and who calls nonsmokers "FAFs"--"Fresh Air Freaks"--hopes to sell the hats for $79.95. [L. A. Times, 7-20-94] THE WEIRDO-AMERICAN COMMUNITY * In August, a San Francisco insecticide company sponsored a contest demonstrate its pest control prowess and selected as its winner the home of Rosemary Mitchell, in Tulsa, Okla., as a sufficient challenge. Entomologist Austin Frishman, aka television's Dr. Cockroach, began work on the home after estimating that 60,000 to 100,000 cockroaches lived there. Mitchell said, "I keep a pretty clean house," but admitted she had to check the bed thoroughly every night and shake the shower curtains off every morning. Frishman said he has seen a lot worse and rated Mitchell's house only a "3" on a scale of 1 to 5. [Dallas Morning News-AP, 8-20-94] Copyright 1994, Universal Press Syndicate. Released for the personal enjoyment of readers. No commercial use may be made of either the material or the name "News of the Weird."