Archive-name: alt-buddha-short-fat-guy/part1

This is the first of two parts of the Frequently Asked Questions list
for alt.buddha.short.fat.guy.  It is posted infrequently enough to be
frustrating but often enough to be annoying.  Relax.  Have a cigar.

A friend wrote:
> Yes, you are correct, it is annoying and it is not funny.  It displays
> a profound ignorance of Buddhism and a remarkable insensitivity to the
> millions of people who practice it.

As we said, "Relax.  Have a cigar."  More precisely, "Mu."

Contents
   PART ONE:
      1.  Getting Started
      2.  The Buddha
      3.  Buddha Nature
   PART TWO:
      4.  El Dupree                                            
      5.  Quotes from Our Readers

Send questions for inclusion in this list to El_Dupree@afs.com.

************************
Part 1.  Getting Started
************************

1-1.  Does this newsgroup have a FAQ list?

      Yes.

1-2.  How can I get it?

      Apparently, you don't.

1-3.  Does this newsgroup have a purpose?

      Yes.

1-4.  Which is?

      See question 1-2.

1-5.  Is this an actual newsgroup, or is my system being toyed with?

      Yes, and yes.

*******************
Part 2.  The Buddha
*******************

2-1.  Who was the Buddha?

      The Buddha, originally called Gautama, was a young Ksatriya of
      comfortable means who became disillusioned with his bourgeois
      existence and set out to find himself.  He adopted an austere
      way of life, even abandoning his Doors tapes--certainly not
      standard procedure for those on similar quests.  Eventually,
      he achieved enlightenment, whereupon he became known as "The
      Buddha,"  "The Enlightened One," or, to his friends, "Budd Light."

2-2.  Isn't it silly having so many names for one person?

      I'm sorry.  I can't argue unless you've paid.

2-3.  Wait, what about the "Buddah"?

      He spends his time hanging out with Ghandi in New Dheli.  Munching
      on gerkhins, no doubt.

2-4.  Is the purpose of this newsgroup to insult the Buddha?

      No.  However, since the last thing the Buddha wanted was
      veneration, perhaps we are insulting him by not insulting
      him.  You have deeply troubled us.

**********************
Part 3.  Buddha Nature
**********************

3-1.  What is Buddha nature?

      As that prominent Buddhist, Louis Armstrong, said: "If you have
      to ask, you'll never know."

3-2.  Does "X" have Buddha nature?

      "X" does, but you don't.  Exception: if "X" is Ronald Reagan,
      he doesn't and you do.

3-3.  Could you repeat that?

      Yes.

3-4.  How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

      A tree in a golden forest.

3-5.  So Master, is the soul immortal or not? Do we survive our bodily
      death or do we get annihilated? Do we really reincarnate? Does our
      soul split up into component parts which get recycled, or do we as
      a single unit enter the body of a biological organism? And do we
      retain our memories or not? Or is the doctrine of reincarnation
      false? Is perhaps the Christian notion of survival more correct?
      And if so, do we get bodily resurrected, or does our soul enter a
      purely Platonic spiritual realm?

      Your breakfast is getting cold.

3-6.  Walking along a crowded sidewalk a wanderer noticed an old man      |
      with a bottle in one hand and a wooden bowl in the other, sitting   |
      against a wall and shouting, "Alms for the thirsty!"  As the        |
      wanderer approached, the man took a long drink and repeated         |
      his plea.                                                           |
                                                                          |
      Reaching into his pocket, the wanderer pulled out a coin and        |
      placed it in the bowl.  Instead of the usual response - thank you,  |
      bless you, or mere silence - the man peered up and said, "Remember  |
      one thing, boy.  Zen is not a philosophy.  Zen is not a religion.   |
      Zen is just a damn attitude."                                       |
                                                                          |
      The wanderer laughed and said, "Thank you."                         |