THE SKINHEAD HAMLET Shakespeare's play translated into modern English as published in the TOIKE OIKE, the art and literary newspaper of the University of Toronto Engineering Society. [w/apologies to the Bard :-) ] by Richard Curtis ACT I SCENE I (The battlements of Elsinore Castle) (Enter HAMLET, followed by GHOST.) GHOST: Oi! Mush! HAMLET: Yer? GHOST: I was fucked! (Exit GHOST) HAMLET: O fuck. (Exit HAMLET.) ACT I SCENE II (The Throneroom.) (Enter KING CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, HAMLET and COURT.) CLAUDIUS: Oi! You, Hamlet, give over! HAMLET: Fuck off, won't you? (Exit CLAUDIUS, GERTRUDE, COURT.) HAMLET: (Alone) They could have fucking waited. (Enter HORATIO) HORATIO: Oi! Whatcha cock! HAMLET: Weeeeey! (Exeunt) ACT I SCENE III (Ophelia's Bedroom.) (Enter Ophelia and Laertes.) LAERTES: I'm fucking off now. Watch Hamlet doesn't slip you one while I'm gone. OPHELIA: I'll be fucked if he does. (Exeunt.) ACT I SCENE IV (The Battlements.) (Enter HORATIO, HAMLET, and GHOST.) GHOST: Oi! Mush, get on with it! HAMLET: Who did it then? GHOST: That wanker Claudius. He poured fucking poison in my fucking ear! HAMLET: Fuck me! (Exeunt.) ACT II SCENE 1 (A corridor in the castle.) (Enter HAMLET reading. Enter POLONIUS) POLON: Oi! You! HAMLET: Fuck off, grandad! (Exit POLON. Enter ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN.) RO & GUILD: Oi! Oi! Mucca! HAMLET: Fuck off, the pair of you! (Exit ROS and GUILD.) HAMLET: (Alone) To fuck or be fucked. OPHELIA: My Lord! HAMLET: Fuck off to a nunnery! (They exit in different directions.) ACT III SCENE I (The Throne Room) (Enter PLAYERS and all COURT.) PLAYER: Full thirty times hath Phoebus cart... CLAUDIUS: I'll be fucked if I watch any more of this crap. (Exeunt) ACT III SCENE II (Gertrude's Bedchamber.) (Enter HAMLET, to GERTRUDE.) HAMLET: Oi! Slag! GERTRUDE: Watch your fucking mouth, kid! POLON: (From behind the curtain) Too right. HAMLET: Who the fuck was that? (He stabs POLONIUS through the arras.) POLON: Fuck! HAMLET: Fuck! I thought it was that other wanker. (Exeunt.) ACT IV SCENE 1 (A Court Room) CLAUDIUS: Fuck off to England then! HAMLET: Delighted, mush. SCENE II (The Throne Room.) (OPHELIA, GERTRUDE and CLAUDIUS.) OPHELIA: Here, cop a whack of this. (She hands GERTRUDE some rosemary and exits.) CLAUDIUS: She's fucking round the twist, isn't she? GERTRUDE (looking out the window) There is a willow grows aslant the brook. CLAUDIUS: Get on with it, slag. GERTRUDE: Ophelia's gone and fucking drowned! CLAUDIUS: Fuck! Laertes isn't half going to be browned off. (Exeunt.) SCENE III (A Corridor) LAERTES: (Alone) I'm going to fucking do this lot. (enter CLAUDIUS.) CLAUDIUS: I didn't fucking do it, mate. It was that wanker, Hamlet. LAERTES: Well, fuck him. ACT V SCENE 1 (Hamlet's Bedchamber.) (HAMLET and HORATIO seated.) HAMLET: I got this feeling I'm going to cop it, Horatio, and you know, I couldn't give a flying fuck. (Exeunt.) SCENE II (Large Hall.) (Enter HAMLET, LAERTES, COURT, GERTRUDE, and CLAUDIUS.) LAERTES: Oi, wanker. Let's get on with it. HAMLET: Delighted, fuckface. (They fight and are poisoned by the poisoned sword.) LAERTES: Fuck! HAMLET: Fuck! (The QUEEN drinks.) GERTRUDE: Fucking odd wine! CLAUDIUS: You drunk the wrong fucking cup, you stupid cow! HAMLET: (Pouring the poison down CLAUDIUS' throat) Well, fuck you! CLAUDIUS: I'm fair and squarely fucked. LAERTES: Oi, mush. No hard feelings, eh? HAMLET: Yer. (LAERTES dies) HAMLET: Oi! Horatio! HORATIO: Yer? HAMLET: I'm fucked. The rest is fucking silence. (HAMLET dies) HORATIO: Fuck! That was no ordinary wanker, you know. (enter FORTINBRAS.) FORTIN: What the fuck's going on here? HORATIO: A fucking mess, that's for sure. FORTIN: No kidding. I see Hamlet's fucked. HORATIO: Yer. FORTIN: Fucking shame. Fucking good bloke. HORATIO: Too fucking right. FORTIN: Fuck this for a lark then. Let's piss off. (Exeunt with alarums.) (END)