SPAM Haiku: Multi-verse

A Cathartic Trilogy

SHAM-22.
The gullet rises.
Salivary glands juice up.
"You ate the whole loaf!?"

SHAM-23.
Post-SPAM catharsis:
Peptic acid and pink chunks.
Floor-mount Pollock piece.

The SPAM Cycle of Love

SHAM-102.
You carved my figure
From the block of SPAM. Love or
Infatuation?

SHAM-103.
The first time we kissed:
Your cheeks flushed a deep SPAM pink,
Your lips soft, hungry.

SHAM-104.
I buried the ring
Inside a loaf. You took a
Bite, spat, then said, "Yes!"

SHAM-105.
Wedding catered by
Hormel. Reception marred by
Sudden illnesses.

SHAM-106.
Honeymoon in France.
Finally got to try the
Spamme frites, Spamme l'orange.

SHAM-107.
Four children later
We run out of things to say.
"Price of SPAM is up."

SHAM-108.
"Breakfast in bed, love."
"What is it, dear?" "Refried SPAM."
You filed for divorce.

SHAM-109.
The first nights were bad.
Woke up from a SPAM nightmare--
But you were not there.

SHAM-110.
I live alone now.
I keep a cat for comfort.
She does not eat SPAM.

SHAM-111.
Supermarket aisle.
I saw her reach for a SPAM.
I turned, walked away.

The Physics of SPAM Waves

SHAM-132.
SPAM-wave detector:
Immerse man in gel. If he
Gains weight, SPAM wave's there.

SHAM-133.
Can information
Be sent by using SPAM waves?
No. Just calories.

SHAM-134.
SPAM wave as weapon
Used during Cold War. Doubtful?
Yeltsin's size. Case closed.

SHAM-135.
Remote sensing with
SPAM waves needs work. Too much pork
In the ground clutter.

SHAM-136.
Communist China
Uses SPAM waves for jamming.
All you get's pink noise.

SHAM-137.
Relativity
Predicts SPAM waves will bend near
Massive trailer parks.

SHAM-138.
Astronomy news:
SPAM waves from distant stars are
Always pink-shifted.

SHAM-139.
As an object gets
Near the speed of SPAM waves, its
Fat content goes up.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a SPAM (with apologies to Wallace Stevens)

SHAM-142.
I was of three minds,
Like a SPAM in which there are
Three major organs.

SHAM-143.
A SPAM swirled in the
Frying pan. 'Twas a small part
Of the pantomime.

SHAM-144.
A boy and a girl
Are one. A boy and a girl
And a SPAM are one.

SHAM-145.
Which do I prefer?
The beauty of ingestion
Or what comes after?

SHAM-146.
Kitchen windowsill.
Lit by passing headlights, SPAM
Casts a long shadow.

SHAM-147.
Thin men of Haddam,
Don't you see the SPAM rising
In your women's pans?

SHAM-148.
I know what's good food;
But I also know that the
SPAM knows that I know.

SHAM-149.
When the SPAM was fried,
Its grease marked the edge of one
Of many circles.

SHAM-150.
At the smell of SPAM,
Even bawds of euphony
Would cry out sharply.

SHAM-151.
Once, a fear pierced him,
In that he mistook his wife
For a loaf of SPAM.

SHAM-152.
Smoke issues from the
Kitchen. Dogs retch in gutters.
SPAM must be cooking.

SHAM-153.
The aisles were empty.
They would always be empty.
SPAM sat on the shelf.

Alphabet of the SPAM Macabre

SHAM-161.
B is for Beavis
Who slipped while slicing a loaf
And chopped off his hand.

SHAM-162.
C is for Chevy
Who slid on a greasy slice
And tumbled downstairs.

SHAM-163.
D is for Debbie
Who played weird sex games with it
And caught P.I.V.

SHAM-164.
E is for Ernest
Who made a wine from aged chunks
And poisoned himself.

SHAM-165.
F is for Fidel
Who left small bits in his beard
And ants ate his face.

SHAM-166.
G is for Georgie
Who used the gel as sun screen
And burned to a crisp.

SHAM-167.
H is for Herbert
Who pledged a loaf in each pan
And died a loser.

SHAM-168.
I is for Itchy
Who ate Scratchy's loaded loaf
And blew into bits.

SHAM-169.
J is for Jeffrey
Who tried to make it with boys
And was offed in jail.

SHAM-170.
K is for Kermit
Who heard pig squeals from the can
And lost his good mind.

SHAM-171.
L is for Linda
Who swallowed whole from a can
And choked on the loaf.

SHAM-172.
M is for Mary
Who passed out cans to the poor
And was beat senseless.

SHAM-173.
N is for Norman
Who kept his mom fleshed with it
And became psycho.

SHAM-174.
O is for Orson
Who ate it for lunch daily
And blimped out and croaked.

SHAM-175.
P is for Peter
Who denied eating it thrice
And cocks gouged his eyes.

SHAM-176.
Q is for Quentin
Who served it to his film crew
And got his ears lopped.

SHAM-177.
R is for Reggie
Who got beaned by a full can
And dropped like a fly.

SHAM-178.
S is for the SHAM
Who wrote haiku about it
And was declared mad.

SHAM-179.
T is for Tommy
Who smoked pieces in a bong
And larded his lungs.

SHAM-180.
U is for Uri
Who showed off his bent-spoon trick
And was shelled by cans.

SHAM-181.
V is for Violet
Who ate twenty-seven loaves
And burst like a zit.

SHAM-182.
W's for Wayne
Who strained hard to excrete it
And monkeys flew out.

SHAM-183.
X is for Xerxes
Who built a fortress with it
And drowned in roaches.

SHAM-184.
Y is for Yasser
Who let Hormel build a plant
And the Jews shot him.

SHAM-185.
Z is for Zsa Zsa
Who slapped a cop with a slice
And got life in jail.

Fishing with SPAM

227.
Will the fish bite SPAM?
Hey dude, you know they eat worms!
They will not bite SPAM?

228.
Fish not biting SPAM?
Why don't you try something else?
Hey dude, what's yer point?

229.
There is an oil slick
So much for fishing with SPAM
I hide from GreenPeace

The SPAM Epic

328.
Cold toilet water
My shit-brown blubber erodes
Behold, Pink Beauty!

329.
Swim! O Pink Lightning
Lead me through the deep, dark depths
Instinct be my guide.

330.
Stream flows by Hormel
Dredged and canned, I live again!
Darkness, then the air.

PSAlM 23

1039.
He makes a green fringe
About my rind. He packs me
In the spring waters.

1040.
He synthesizes
My flavor; He scrapes me from
The slaughterhouse floor.

1041.
Yea, though I trot towards
The abattoir, I will fear
no disembowelment.

1042.
For Thou standest o'er
Me; Thy cudgel and Thy knife
They do dispatch me.

1043.
Thou preparest a
Dish of me in the presence
Of my predators.

1044.
Thou anointest my
Slices with mayonnaise; my
Grease runneth over.

1045.
Surely parsley and
Cloves will garnish me all the
Days of my shelflife.

1046.
And I will dwell in
Plaque-encrusted arteries
Forever. Amen.

The National SPAM Association

1061.
NSA slogan:
"When SPAM is outlawed, only
outlaws will have SPAM."

1062.
Second NSA
slogan: "SPAMs don't kill people;
fry cooks kill people."

1063.
NSA lobbies
to overturn laws banning
sales of "assault SPAMs."

The Poetic Process

1136.
"I think I'll never
scan / A poem as lovely
as SPAM..." Still not right.

1137.
"I think I'll never
slam..." Rhymes, but makes no sense. "Scam"?
...Oh, to heck with it.

1138.
I got it! Keep "see,"
change "SPAM" to "a tree." But who
wants poems 'bout trees?

A SPAM Adventure

1292.
Thoughts entered my dreams
The blue can--contents unknown
Cryptic label--SPAM

1293.
Three days passed slowly
Obsession overcame me
I must purchase SPAM

1294.
I lurked in the aisles
No one was looking at me
I reached for a tin

1295.
Cradling my new prize
I went to pay--disaster!
"Price check on large SPAM."

1296.
But nobody stared
I noticed them holding tins
Brotherhood of SPAM

1297.
Soon I arrived home,
Dimmed the lights, shut the curtains,
And prepared to feast.

1298.
I removed the key
Peeled back the metal layer
The fragrance hit me

1299.
I woke on the floor
Six hours of my life were gone
And so was the SPAM...

1300.
And sometimes at night
I lay awake, listening,
And I can hear it.

Nospamatu

1359.
Victims of vampire
fall to their knees. Seething co-
lons...No cure in sight...

1360.
One doctor comes forth
to crush the pale bovine bat.
Von Helspam attacks!!!

1361.
He pounds a stake in
beast's colon to avenge and
save remaining lives!!!

1362.
Foolish and futile...
Streams of brown SPAM diarrhe-
a engulf the land...

1363.
All drown in gangrene
rivers. Mass immolation.
Blackened world. The End.

The Great SPAM of China

1371.
How did the Great SPAM
work? The Mongol hordes smelled it
then ran to Europe.

1372.
Did you know that the
Great SPAM's the only lunch meat
visible from space?

1373.
When Nixon went to
China, he observed, "This is
indeed a great SPAM."

SPAM Wars

1587.
All eyes cast downward.
Jay astride SPAM chariot.
Porkus Maximus.

1588.
HAM-Fighters rebel.
Flashing blue tins defeat them.
A SPAM warrior.

1589.
Now, the SPAMic peace.
Tasty treats for multitudes.
SPAM infinitum!

1632.
Austin, Minn. becomes
Center of the universe.
SPAM weapons produced.

1633.
Hormel legislates:
Beef and chicken illegal.
Ranchers slaughter pigs.

1634.
Jay retaliates.
Blue bombs dropped on North Forty.
Can't tell dead from SPAM.

1635.
Hormel ninja school.
Elite warriors training.
Be one with the can.

1636.
Vacuum seal released.
Blue tin bounces through a door.
Death by SPAM grenade.

1814.
Furtive assassin,
Slipping SPAM into main course.
No poison needed.

1815.
Empty SPAM casings,
Their grisly contents discharged
Like a howitzer.

1816.
"The pork is unclean!"
Rallying cry overheard.
Speakers now in tins.

1817.
Blue-armored soldiers
Crush demonstrators in parks.
Their moniker? "Pig."

1818.
El Pollo Loco
Restaurant burned to the ground
By SPAM terrorists.

1819.
Jay signs peace treaty
Allowing beef and chicken
Only once per week.

1820.
Student arrested.
SPAM/blood ratio suspect.
Urine test is next.

1821.
SPAM submarine coasts
Off the shores of Mexico.
Whales leave in disgust.

1822.
Jay was offended,
Speaking in a crowded hall.
Rubber chicken thrown.

1853.
Genetic projects.
Jay toying with life and death.
SPAMborg enforcers.

1854.
SPAMborgs a failure.
Small pets attracted to smell.
Walking lunch devoured.

1855.
Unconventional
weapons outlawed by U.N.
SPAM destroys New York.

1856.
Blue-tipped warheads launched
for Paris, City of Light.
Serve SPAM or be SPAMMED!

1933.
SPAM, the perfect grub
For soldiers marching to war.
They'll kill for real food.

1934.
Tank tracks in the mud.
Cigarette butts and blue tins.
The spoils of Hormel.

1935.
Guerilla warfare.
Rounded tins dropped from buildings.
SPAM troops duck their heads.

2077.
Risen from ashes
Hardened pink flesh and gristle
A crazed SPAMzilla!

2078.
Waiting for fallout
Hormel soldiers in hiding
Degreasers deployed

2079.
SPAM conquers Asia
Morals weakened by pink fat
Cellulite rampant

2325.
SPAM place in orbit.
"Space is now mine!" claims Hormel.
A reign of gristle.

2326.
Martial colonies,
Built from pseudo-food profits.
The SPAM in the moon.

2327.
A crimson land mine.
Soldier pokes it with a stick.
SPAM daisy cutter.

An American SPAM in London

1650.
Chew rubbery SPAM
For aural discomfort at
takeoff and landing.

1651.
Why is airplane food
Dry roasted, salted peanuts,
Dry white wine and SPAM?

1652.
"Are you carrying
anything that could be used
as a weapon?"..."SPAM."

1653.
"Have you anything
that you would like to declare?"
"...Can't live without SPAM!"

1654.
Foreign exchange rates
confuse me: how many pounds
of SPAM for 10 pounds?

1655.
Throw out excess SPAM
"Thank you for keeping the Roy-
al borough tidy"

1656.
Trick played on tourists:
"Baaangerrs and maash, pleease!" Feed those
Americans SPAM.

1657.
Do ravens eat SPAM
at the Tower of London?
Or do Beefeaters?

1658.
Could one buy enough
SPAM with the Crown Jewels to
feed a large army?

1659.
If you were the Queen
Would you eat your SPAM with the
Coronation Spoon?

1660.
SPAM and mash tastes bad.
SPAM and chips taste bad too, but
SPAM and kidney pie!

1701.
"Black Hole" Hawkins speaks
At Albert Hall; next week, Sir
Hormel speaks on SPAM.

1702.
Beatles: "Now they know
how many SPAMs it takes to
fill the Albert Hall!"

1703.
Garfunkel's watron
Worst service in the U.K.
Should have ordered SPAM

1704.
French waitress nearby
Didn't smile when asked for SPAM
"What is her problem?"

1705.
"Rogue A-meri-caan,
Hye can tak hyis SPAM, shove IT!
I wheel no serve hyim!"

1706.
Ever you get lost
In the Maze at Hampton Court,
Bring plenty of SPAM.

1707.
"Ye Grape," "Butler's Head."
London's filled with pubs, but no
"SPAM and Firkin" here.

1708.
Polish, Lebanese,
French, Indian, best food, yet
None of it British.

1709.
Bank, Moorgate, Fulham
London Underground stations
"Mind the gap," you SPAM

1710.
Cloudy London day
Every day of the whole week
SPAM brightens my day

1711.
Apollo 13
Transatlantic inflight film
Bacon in a can

1712.
Palace made me sleep,
The French refuse to serve SPAM
"There's no place like home!"

Barney!

1669.
"I love you, you love
me, we're a...AWWWWK! Rip! SCRUNCH!" Sound
as whirling blades catch.

1670.
Baby Bop, reach to
Save your Purple hero! Oops.
Result: Two-tone SPAM.

1671.
Minds of viewing youth
Turned to eviscerated
Meat by Dinosaur.

SPAM-Worship Through the Ages:

1678.
¿Es carne solo,
o tal vez un salvador?
¿Que es esto "SPAM"?

1679.
Ceci, jambon seule,
ou vraiment un sauveur, non?
Qu'est-ce que c'est le "SPAM"?

1680.
Prosciutto solo,
o salvatore vero?
Che fa questo "SPAM"?

1681.
Is it just some meat,
or maybe the true savior?
What is this here "SPAM"?

1682.
Wist not that a ham
hideth th'immaculate Lamb?
Myst'ry, Thou art "SPAM"!

The SPAMmas Story

1769.
And there were in that
Country swineherds, tending their
Future tinned product.

1770.
God's angel appeared
Unto them, saying: "Hmm. Good
Spot for SPAM franchise."

1771.
"Be not afraid, for
Unto you this day is born
Sure-fire sales gimmick."

1772.
And there did appear
Before them a heav'nly host,
Singing "Pass the SPAM!"

1773.
Manger animals
Gather about; kine, lamb, pig...
Feh! Oy vey! Unclean!

1774.
Not-so-wise Man brings
SPAM. Manger doorknob hits his
Ass on the way out.

A Spamticle for Liebowitz

1798.
A truckload of SPAM,
Canned kraut, half-dozen bagels,
Bring home for Emma.

1799.
Millenia hence,
the memorabilia
enshrines the labels.

Edgar Allan Pork

1846.
A tap, tap, tapping
from inside the container.
Partake nevermore.

1847.
Quoth the Raven: "Hey,
you keep eatin' that stuff, of
course you'll have nightmares!"

Captain Hormel

1872.
Robinson Crusoe.
SPAMprints in sand. Man Friday?
No: Captain Hormel.

1873.
"Friends, swineherds, pigmen,
Lend me your ears, snouts, and tails,"
Says Captain Hormel.

1874.
"Once more into the
Can, dear pigs, and bring your friends,"
Says Captain Hormel.

1875.
Captain Hormel says,
"SPAM a day keeps Doc away."
Everyone else too!

1876.
Captain Hormel says,
"Porkers of the world unite."
Spamdemonium!

1879.
"I guarantee we
Will make a new pig of you,"
Captain Hormel says.

1880.
"Tread softly because
You tread upon my SPAM." By
Captain "Yeats" Hormel.

1882.
"Sty in the sky," said
Captain Hormel. "Just sign here,
Smile, and shut your eyes."

1883.
"Pigs. Prove your SPAMhood,"
Hormel said. "Wear this blue can;
It will preserve you."

1907.
"We are surrounded
By SPAMs." "Eat the pink bastards!"
Replied the Captain.

1908.
"A pig, a pig, my
Kingdom for a pig." Hormel
Screamed, buzzsaw whirring.

1923.
Alas, poor Hormel.
I knew him once. Haiku SPAMmed
Him. Totally minced.

1925.
Piglets start smoking.
SPAMtaneous combustion.
Captain Hormel blamed.

2331.
"Seek Spamtuary
In the blue tin; it's safe there,"
Captain Hormel says.

2424.
"Put down a SPAM bar-
rage," Captain Hormel said. "That'll
Keep their bums running."

2425.
"If they surrender,"
Said the Cap, "show no mercy,
Give them the Blue Tin."

2572.
Captain Hormel swung
His knife; parted Piggy from
His life. Then canned him.

SHAM on the Lam

1982.
SPAM SHAM found guilty
Judge Hormel shows no mercy
Ten years in the "Can"

1983.
SPAM SHAM escapes "Can"
"Pink Peril" threatens planet
Epidemic spreads!

The Interview

2398.
The interviewer:
"Thank you for your time, but your
SPAM haiku lack taste."

2399.
"Lacking in taste, eh!?
Have you ever eaten SPAM?"
I am now postal.

2400.
"Calm yourself, young man!
Obviously, excessive
nitrates! Try SPAM Lite!"

2401.
Secretly I smile.
Foolish mortals know not the
Mysteries of SPAM!

The SPAM Shrine

2412.
I go to the shrine
And find nothing but a can
Imprinted with "SPAM."

2413.
I go back and ask
My friend, "You said I could find
Peace in that there shrine."

2414.
My friend laughed and said,
"Not that kind of 'peace,' my friend,
But a piece of SPAM."

The Treif Spamku Cycle

2433.
SPAM and cheese sandwich
Eaten for Yom Kippur lunch.
Three mitzvot broken.

2434.
For two extra sins,
buy the SPAM on Yom Kippur,
and drive to the store.

2435.
Shoplift the SPAM--it
is a sin on any day,
for Jew or gentile.

2436.
Murder the clerk, take
the SPAM, hide the body. Three
sins for a cohen.

2437.
World overcome with
sin heralds arrival of
Messiah. Eat SPAM!

The Death of Socrates Spamku Cycle

2446.
Socrates asks the
questions that none can answer.
None truly know SPAM.

2447.
Ignorance of the
Athenians exposed by
Socrates's questions.

2448.
Many are angry,
Accuse him of corrupting
The youth of Athens.

2449.
Found guilty, he then
is asked to suggest his own
punishment that fits.

2450.
Punishment must fit
The crime, says wise Socrates.
He has a good point.

2451.
My crime, he says, did
much good to Athens--fools now
knew that they were fools.

2452.
Thus, Athens owes me
free meals for life. This fits my
crimes against the state.

2453.
Athenians OK
The punishment, give him SPAM
for his sustenance.

2454.
SPAM for breakfast, lunch,
dinner. Dismayed, Socrates
drinks cup of poison.

The SPAM Heart

2517.
Gave the heart of SPAM
to my mother. Then she wrote
me out of her will.

2518.
By this time the heart
of SPAM had turned green. I had
to get rid of it.

2519.
Sent the heart of SPAM
to a local soup kitchen.
Eighteen winos died.

2520.
They sent me to jail.
Gave me twenty-five to life.
Man, what a bummer.

2521.
Moral of this tale?
Do not make a heart of SPAM.
It will break your heart.

Presidential SPAM

2541.
The Nixon White House:
SPAM at state dinner. Chef says,
"I am not a cook."

2542.
In the Ford White House:
SPAM falls down a flight of stairs.
Almost breaks its neck.

2543.
The Carter White House:
SPAM feels malaise; wait, that's not
malaise. Mayonnaise.

2544.
The Reagan White House:
SPAM is caught upstairs in bed
with Frank Sinatra.

2545.
In the Bush White House:
George eats SPAM to prove he's tough.
Would a wimp do that?

2546.
The Clinton White House:
SPAM for state dinner...Hey, where'd
it go? It's gone! BILL!

Republican Canned-idates

2569.
Bob Dole holds that pen
in his hand to poke holes in
SPAM can. Then he sucks.

2570.
Steve Forbes has that grin.
Why? Nobody knows. I bet
he never ate SPAM.

2571.
A President named
Lamar? Sounds like a stripper.
Lamar and her Spams.

Road SPAM

2815.
Hot sun overhead
Makes me intensely restless
SPAM makes me gassy

2816.
Squirming in my seat
Scarfing down SPAM mightily
Weaving recklessly

In Search of Spamku

2846.
NAIC? What?!?
Said my browser as it choked
As though on a SLAB.

2847.
Browsers don't eat SPAM,
Just some amps and watts and bytes;
Bet still, Netscape puked.

2848.
I do not like SPAM
And haiku, I can skip it.
But spamku? I howl.

2849.
I laughed 'til I cried
When I read, oh, twenty-five
Of the spamku poems.

2850.
But I need a fix
Of spamku, and mighty quick.
E-mail me the lot!

SPAM Therapy

2854.
Psychotherapy.
Unless, of course, SPAM's involved:
then do shock treatments.

2855.
For eaters of SPAM
Is analysis worthwhile?
I think perhaps not.

2856.
He tells his kind shrink,
"I admit I like my SPAM."
His therapy ends.

2857.
Art therapy for
the young, regressed psychotic:
fingerpaint with SPAM.

2858.
In-patient unit
Recovering SPAM eaters
No one will work there

2859.
A Twelve Step program:
SPAMholics Anonymous.
One more SPAMless day.

2860.
Doctor tells his peer,
"I sometimes eat yummy SPAM."
Loses his license.

2861.
There's a new branch of
SPAMholics Anonymous
for SPAMku addicts.

2862.
Years of therapy--
Repressed memory returns:
Mom made me eat SPAM.

2863.
Can't hate her for it.
Turns out she was SPAM-abused
by HER own mother.

2864.
For good of my kids:
I'm in SPAM recovery.
Must break these chains now.

Mother of SPAM

2971.
Not like the offered
Lamb of Greek fame, with well-tied
Limbs in sacrifice;

2972.
Here at our blood-drenched
Slaughterhouse gates shall stand a
Mighty, fattened Sow,

2973.
With a greasy grin
Whose fat content is fright'ning,
Named Mother of SPAM.

2974.
From her bacon-flesh
Glows pinkish welcome; her stench
Commands the ill-aired

2975.
Abattoir that twin
Head-locks frame. "Keep ancient lands
Your cuisine!" snorts she.

2976.
"O give me your tired,
Your poor, your oinking masses
Of your teeming shore.

2977.
Send these, herded, fat
Swine, to me. We lift axes
O'er the crimson door!"

The SPAM Shrink

3120.
"Draw a Person" Test.
With blue and yellow crayon.
Man draws SPAM instead.

3121.
Moving on to the
Word Association Test:
"First thing to mind?": SPAM!

3122.
The psychologist
gives "special medication":
Antipsychotic.

The Spamsteroid

3176.
Fifty klicks across
Penetrates the atmosphere
Impact wipes out life

3177.
Two hundred million
SPAM megatons detonate.
Continents shattered.

3178.
A cloud of methane
Gas and pinkish dust is raised,
Enveloping Earth.

3179.
Five million years pass.
Nature adapts, strange creatures
Made of SPAM evolve.

The Pinks

3276.
That ain't mud in that Minnesota Mississip', Nor Lead in Belly.

3277.
"Pinks" should be sung with
Accompaniment of a
Greased harmonica.

3278.
My woman done gone
Left me with nuthin' but dis
Half-empty SPAM can.

3279.
Yeah, my woman's gone
Left me with a picked-over,
six-month-old SPAM can.

3280.
If I find dat gal,
Gonna shoot her 'n' bury
Her in a SPAM can.

3281.
Can't you hear them now?
"The Wreck of the Hormel Freight"?
And "SPAMstack Lightnin'"?

3282.
Darlin', you put your
Sugar in my tea, I'll slap
My SPAM on your plate.

3283.
"Weren't it sad when that
Great Loaf went down?" Hey, he was
Called Pink Anderson.

Darth and Luke

3321.
luke skywalker laughed
he could not stop doing it
his father got pissed

3322.
darth took the spam can
and he launched it at young luke
it hit young luke's head

3323
now luke has a bump
it's as big as new jersey
now darth was laughing

Those Finicky Felines

3330.
Tabbies will titter
and grimalkins all guffaw!
should you offer SPAM.

3331.
Ruddy Somali
and Aby cats are vain, spurn
SPAM: their colors clash!

3332.
If we shred it small
with our tiny pointy claws
could we fool the fish?

3370.
Grizzled old tom naps
in the sun--flick! flick! his tail!
He must dream of SPAM.

3389.
Kittens' first day out:
They encounter SPAM! One sniff,
all run back to Mom.

3390.

My cats play with SPAM,
never hockey pucks, at night--
Kinder to neighbors.

And now for something completely different...

3372.
Pink-clad men burst in:
"Nobody expects the SPAM-
ish Inquisition!"

3373.
The cardinal speaks:
"Surprise is our main weapon!
Surprise and pink gel!"

3374.
"Our two weapons are
surprise and pink gel! And fear!
And added nitrates!"

3375.
"Our diverse weapons
include... Oh, just get the SPAM
and start the torture."

3376.
An aide hands a can
to the cardinal. "Fool! This
is Treet! It won't work!"

The Color of SPAM

3702.
Bruce Willis sees this,
Is traumatized in some way--
No longer sees pink!

3703.
He goes to L.A.
Becomes a group therapist
for SPAM abusers.

3704.
A wacky artist
in the group does abstract art.
Smears SPAM on canvas.

3705.
He has, uh, congress
with this girl involving SPAM.
You don't want to know.

3706.
But the result of
this bizarre Hormelesque sex:
He sees pink again!

SPAM Fu

3722.
Guess I'll retire to
The SPAM-Lin monastery
To study SPAM Fu.

3723.
Deadly martial art:
Monks move like lightning, armed with
Only two blue tins.

3724.
I choke on my SPAM.
The white-hot loaf sears my throat.
"Not yet, Grasshopper."

3725.
Years of hard training,
Meditation, shunning ways
of Armour and TREET.

3726.
At last, I go out
Into the world, reflexes
Atrophied by SPAM.

Pig in Space

3895.
Khruschev figures that
a pig in space would make for
good propaganda.

3896.
Pig named "Babeski" is
sealed in capsule and blasted
off from cosmodrome.

3897.
Once in orbit, the
pig panics and throws up, just
like Tereshkova.

3898.
"Time for re-entry."
The pig cracks a dirty joke.
Ground controllers groan.

3899.
Parachute fails. The
capsule crash-lands. Open it
up: SPAM in the can!

Hormel Tech Support

4005.
Hormel tech support:
"But I have an old can." "Then
use the key." "Okay."

4006.
Hormel tech support:
"Ick! I can't abide this stuff!"
"No one can." "Okay."

SPAM at the Olympics

4022.
SPAM in Atlanta
Suddenly in short supply,
Athletes look guilty

4023.
Fearing SPAM abuse
Olympic officials plan
Random SPAM testing

4024.
If athlete's urine
Shows up positive for SPAM
He is out of there

4025.
Ejected athletes
Given their plane tickets home--
And a SPAM medal

4026.
Disqualified, they
Can get no big endorsements,
Except for Hormel

Old Iron Sides

4161.
Through bubbling channels
"Old Iron Sides" sails briskly
Chased by pirate leaves.

4162.
Fined for littering.
The brigand who waylays us
Smells like our ship's hold.

SPAM's Middle Path

4319.
"Secret of success,
My son, is this: always keep
Extra SPAM key near."

4320.
"No sweat, Papa-san.
New cans are superior.
Pull tab. Forget key."

4321.
"As you say, my boy.
Our world is modern now, but
SPAM way is RIGHT ROAD."

4322.
"Know SPAM's Middle Path:
Fried, baked, cold, with mayonnaise;
Also with onion."

4323.
"That's deep, Pop, but you
Forgot thin-cut SPAM on bed
Of cool alfalfa."

4324,
"No, son, different
Religion: That is Yuppie
Yoghurt Yahooism."

4325.
"You are so smart, Dad.
How did you get yourself that
Way? By hard study?"

4326.
The ANSWER lies in
The BLUE CAN, my dear offspring.
SPAM is the true key."

Telsow

4702.
Ascending with flames
A new satellite is born.
Some call it "Telsow."

4703.
Workers at Hormel
Monitor love's labor launched.
Hearts and tear ducts swell.

4704.
Knocked out of orbit,
The porcine projectile spins
Into the unknown.

4705.
Somewhere a black hole
Consumes everything in sight;
A blue can sails by.

Green SPAM

4803.
Asked the FDA.
All they had to say was, "Green
SPAM! ICK! Throw it out!"

4804.
Why should I believe
the FDA? I tried green
SPAM on my girlfriend.

4805.
Now my girlfriend's dead
and I'm in Riker's Island.
Live and learn, I guess.

Spermless SPAM?

4894.
Man, was I upset.
I threw her out of the house.
And her SPAM can, too.

4895.
Well, nine months later
she gave birth to a healthy
and pink baby boy.

4896.
Just imagine my
surprise when tests showed that the
kid was really mine!

4897.
Now I have to pay
alimony to my ex
and her damn SPAM can.

The Seven Virtues of SPAM

5498.
Indestructible:
Chopped, grilled, minced, baked, or sautéed
It is always SPAM

5499.
Immortality:
Leave it for ten thousand years
Still as good as new

5500.
It's unvarying:
Buy it in any country
The same as always

5501.
A pure honesty:
SPAM never pretends to be
Something that it's not

5502.
Portability:
Slip a slice in your pocket
Friction keeps it warm

5503.
No complexity:
A key, a twist of the wrist
The bounty is yours

5504
Loyal in nature:
If you love SPAM, set if free
It will never leave

Psychological Profiles

5506.
The SPAM obsessive:
Ashen faced, he hoards his SPAM
Far from prying eyes

5507.
The SPAM despiser
Eyes ablaze, denounces SPAM
Destroys it on sight

5508.
The Spamphobiac
Mortal fear of the blue can
Runs at sight or smell

5509.
The SPAM lover will
Tell all their friends about it
Eats a dozen cans

5510.
The SPAM maniac
Crazed look, approaches pressed meat
Bathes in SPAM jelly

5511.
The SPAM denier
Refutes all the evidence
Of SPAM's existence

5512.
See the SPAM glutton
He eats SPAM with abandon
Opens one more can

6969.
Bill Bixby and SPAM
(Opened can) Both start out pink
And end up as green

The Mystery of the Gel

6970.
Purity of SPAM?
They say pork shoulders and ham,
What else lurks therein?

6971.
F.D.A. allows
Some "foreign matter": Bugs, hair,
Night worker's semen

Melville Meets Hormel

7221.
The crew up on deck
Toss chunks of SPAM overboard
Sharks will not follow

7222.
Island primitives
Missionaries bring them SPAM
Makes more cannibals

7223.
The cry "Thar she blows"
Is it the whale, Moby-Dick
No, it's last night's SPAM

7224.
As Moby Dick sinks
He drags Ahab to his death
"Do NOT feed me SPAM"

7225.
Floating on the sea
The remains of the Pequod
And SPAM leftovers

Squidgy's Last Ride

7228.
Watched and yet unseen
They grope about each other
Whispers: "Where's the key?"

7229.
Rose pâté/aspic
Spills onto the limo's floor
"Oh shit!" they giggle

7230.
She also has toast
He feeds her a pink tartine
Free! She tongues his ear

7231.
"Is it pork?" he chokes
"Foie gras is too cruel," she says
They feed each other

7232.
Gel drips from his lips
She licks it off, squeezes him
"We're going too fast?"

7233.
Her jewell'd fourth finger
Slowly reams the emptied tin
Last pink bits glisten

7234.
Both look longingly
Her finger moves to his lips
Him: "You tease me so."

7235.
Such fleeting moments
Can we do this again, soon?
Bring some to the yacht

7236.
Thick air wafts up front
SPAM's sweet scent, black night's high speed
Chauffeur succumbs. Crash!!!

7237.
Blue metal capsule
Squishy pink flesh, oily ham
Squidgy and Dodi

MSB Meets NFL

7239.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Throwing SPAM for a warmup
Reserve quarterback

7240.
The game's on the line
Get the ball in the SPAMzone
Monkey Spanking Boy

7241.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Fumbles the snap from center
SPAM gel on his hands

7242.
SPAM in the huddle
Our hero calls his number
Monkey Spanking Boy

7243.
Monkey Spanking Boy
Squirts through the line like greased SPAM
Makes the winning score

7244.
Don't touch the game ball
It might be SPAM, it might not
Monkey Spanking Boy

"Good Taste"

7375.
Di's eternal now.
What was left, scraped off the road,
Put in neat blue tins.

7376.
SPAM sent to Palace.
Charles sits to feast upon a
Meal fit for a Prince.

7377.
Elizabeth burps.
"Well," she says, "that Diana
Always had good taste.

Grease Job

7224.
Rubbed SPAM on their car.
Coated it with greasy pink
stuff, then let it sit.

7225.
Rubbed SPAM on the seats;
it turned them a rather bad
color, but who cares?

7226.
Put all the SPAM cans
in the rear, but glued a few
on top of the trunk.

7227.
The trunk was neatly
decorated with the cans.
We were very proud.

7228.
Once the car was done,
we walked away, smiling lots.
We were very sick.

"Good Taste" (cont.)