SHAM-67.
SPAM slice in toaster.
Switch on, tie down ejector.
Pink, smoky blow torch.
SHAM-92.
Use a slice to clean
(and grease, too!) your mixing bowl.
It's a spamtula.
14.
If you have no clay,
But you need to sculpt something,
SPAM is excellent.
16.
SPAM can do it all.
Need a fake amputation?
SPAM can do it all.
20.
Maybe George Bush puked.
Or maybe he just faked it
By using some SPAM.
52.
One policeman's tale:
"How I love you, SPAM. You took
a bullet for me."
122.
I took SPAM to work
They fired me--so be warned
It's not meant as clothes
123.
One fine winter morn
I awoke to a fine smell
SPAM as a pillow
124.
So many uses
Most of them are quite friendly
Except for SPAMguns
125.
Got a new SPAMgun
Covering the neighborhood
In great mounds of pork
128.
I bought a new car
Slid into a tree and then
the SPAMbags saved me
129.
A house made of SPAM
Like the living room enlarged?
Eat eat eat eat eat.
136.
My shoes have SPAM soles
I wear SPAM jeans shirts and ties
but my socks are wool
140.
Car ran out of fuel
Tried using SPAM in the tank
Engine is now dead
145.
Made a SPAM puppet
To entertain my doggie
Need a new hand now
202.
SPAM is useful stuff.
So versatile, you'll never
Try anything else.
236.
Notes spill forth as the
SPAM I use to fret the strings
gunks up my guitar.
268.
Try new SPAM carving
All you need's a plastic knife
I can carve a pig
270.
SPAM, a child's plaything.
Even better than Play Dough--
surpasses slime, too.
288.
To kill slugs and bugs
Place can of SPAM in garden.
They crawl in and die.
355.
Flotation device
Made of SPAM staves off hunger
In emergency.
402.
If you have a leak
and caulking is what you need
you can just use SPAM
525.
Put SPAM in my shoes.
Cool and squishy all day long.
Killed my athlete's foot.
541.
Resoled my sneaker
With strips of old, toughened SPAM
Now I eat and run
542.
Relined the gutters
With paste of SPAM's gelatin
My whole house turned pink
543.
Built a porch of SPAM
Norm Abrams was very proud
He ate it right off
563.
I built a SPAM house
of pink gelatinous bricks.
It withstood the storm.
583.
I keep a can of
SPAM in my pocket to keep
away big monsters.
641.
winner of the prize
she proudly displays her art
a sculpture from SPAM
712.
Got a flat coming
home from the store. Damn, no spare.
Patched the tire with SPAM.
805.
Computers made of
SPAM. The input is easy.
Just don't eat the keys!!
827.
Miss Minnesota
Banned from beauty pageant. Why?
Had SPAM-enhanced breasts.
836.
Shoot at SPAM targets.
BANG Splat! POW Sploot! BLAM Ka-whump!
That's three out of three.
911.
I love to wax my
legs with a fresh slab of SPAM.
There's nothing like it!
916.
I like to use SPAM
as a lubricant, but I'm
not gonna tell where.
925.
SPAM cans have no key
Pop-top where the key should be
Empties still hold pens
932.
Rub SPAM grease on your
skin: it's a very cheap but
effective sunblock.
965.
S...P...A...M....SPAM!!!!
The cheerleaders flip and jump
That's right--it's SPAMBALL!
997.
SPAM computer game
Look out! It's behind you! SPLAT
SPAM wins yet again
999.
Dramatic chase scene
Push button marked "Deploy SPAM"
Chase car slides off road
1002.
Appease gods with SPAM!
A cheap alternative to
Human sacrifice
1027.
The SPAM advantage:
Will make watertight seal with
Any orifice.
1252.
SPAM ear protection
Cram some SPAM into your ears
What was that you said?
1253.
Get your beauty sleep
On a bed made from fresh SPAM
Then--breakfast in bed!
1259.
Don't ridicule me
I see nothing wrong with my
All-SPAM three piece suit
1275.
Furniture of SPAM
So you don't have to get up
To go for a snack
1279.
Hot, these summer days
I bathe in cool SPAM jelly
My friends avoid me
1306.
Beneath the armpits
SPAM gives one a manly scent
Drives all women wild
1335.
Grandma's secret way
to prevent bed rot: Lift gir-
dle and...SMEAR THE SPAM!!
1466.
Slice the cold, pink block.
Apply to sucking chest wound.
Don't need stitches now.
1577.
up there on the rack
my transmission is renewed
ninety-weight SPAM lube
1578.
in emergency
mechanic packs wheel bearings
with a can of SPAM
1610.
My PC does not
have a Pentium, thank you.
It's powered by SPAM.
1611.
spam is not just meat
ultra aphrodisiac
if you're into that
1612.
i'm using spam now
to make my lovely dream home
won't need a kitchen
1628.
Feds lift speed limit.
New safety regulation:
SPAM bags in each car!
1779.
How could they make such
a disgusting laxative
Use Metamucil
1903.
Underneath each arm-
Pit place a soupçon of SPAM.
Keeps the flies away.
1918.
If you are thirsty
but only possess some SPAM
drink the clear liquid
1944.
Steep bedsocks in SPAM;
Dead sure cure for athlete's foot.
Zombies love it too.
1953.
A Spamidermist
Stuffs discard skins with SPAM scraps.
Okay, but wobbly.
1955.
"This is the SPAM bomb,
Führer. Uses local pigs.
You can eat it, too."
1958.
Suffering from flu?
Place some SPAM up each nostril.
Inhale. "Help, nurse, quick!"
1968.
Creativity
Is waning by the second;
Fortify with SPAM.
1973.
If you are in need
Of a bone marrow transplant
Try SPAM first; it's cheap!
2022.
Multi-purpose SPAM
Fills cracks, mends roofs, excludes draughts.
Food as last resort.
2023.
Repel all muggers.
Load a sock with SPAM; keep cocked.
One deft swing K.O.s.
2081.
Basketball with SPAM
Is fun. The net cuts such cute
Pearly pink streamers!
2111.
Favored by builders,
A slabful of meat putty
For SPAMed over cracks.
2131.
Grandad stole my SPAM.
Seemed to fix his aches and pains.
Maybe greased the joints.
2132.
Take a SPAM for walks.
It will gambol at your feet.
Salty-sweet plaything!
2147.
Reds make Spamski gun.
Fires pre-packed SPAM-borscht capsules.
Just pure pork stock used.
2181.
Rust, grease, sawdust, dirt,
Gristle in a jellied mass;
SPAM thrown at weddings.
2182.
Post-Cold War horror:
In lieu of missile assault,
SPAM dropped from great height.
2216.
"You'll need arch support."
"I can't afford orthotics."
"I recommend SPAM."
2217.
Ancient Egyptians,
modeling Great Pyramids,
hauling huge SPAM bricks.
2278.
Shoot a can of SPAM:
It flies back and to the left.
Oswald was alone.
2279.
Drop a can of SPAM
from Seattle's Space Needle.
It's fun! Just try it!
2317.
Multi-purpose SPAM--
Mold into dentures for lunch,
Eat dentures for snacks!
2351.
Put a pinch of SPAM
right between your cheek and gum.
Healthier than Skoal.
2393.
Sodium nitrate.
Mix with diesel fuel--KABANG!
It's a SPAM grenade.
2423.
SPAM transplants keep Az-
Tecs at bay but tend to in-
Duce Spamoplexy.
2498.
Ingenious plumbers
seal pesky cracks in pipes with
SPAM and blowtorch.
2554.
Have you ever tried
putting SPAM over your eyes
to put you to sleep?
2580.
The glop in the can
doubles as hair gel. Hip cats
will follow you, boy.
2591.
Wine left in bottle
But alas we lost the cork
A SPAM plug worked fine
2684.
We threw out the SPAM;
An ashtray and a planter
We made from the can.
2750.
Oh, so spreadable,
I can put it on my car.
Makes it run better.
2819.
Mix Tang and borax
to kill those nasty roaches.
Use SPAM for large game.
2982.
For emergencies
use SPAM as glue or putty.
Better than duct tape.
3034.
New AIDS prevention:
Eat SPAM first and nobody
will let you touch them.
3037.
Prevent alien
abduction by sleeping with
thick slices of SPAM.
3072.
Denial of Death.
Major spiritual problem.
Solved by sight of SPAM.
3111.
Anorexics like
it, too: One good whiff and the
appetite is gone.
3113.
Garden pests this spring?
SPAM on a stick works better
than the best scarecrow.
3127.
i have eaten spam
i have put it up my nose
i wear it as clothes
3131.
Put SPAM in the tank.
Turns the toilet water pink.
2000 flushes!
3144.
To prevent car theft,
Don't waste money on the Club:
Smear SPAM on the wheel.
3146.
Today I eat it
Tonight it's my companion
Leftovers next day!
3165.
Hang SPAM in attic.
Let it mature for twelve days.
Use as smelling salts.
3197.
During storm one night
Lightning rod fell from my roof
Sculpted SPAM worked well
4484.
Air conditioning
on the fritz? Don't sweat it: Put
cold SPAM on your head.
3217.
For the sadomas-
ochist: knives hurt, but SPAM works
wonders for torture!
3222.
Polish furniture.
SPAM is rubbed on maple, ah!
Who needs mayonnaise?
3356.
SPAM in bird feeders
keeps the squirrels away, but
birds stay away, too.
3357.
Skeet shooting with SPAM.
A little more costly, but
look at that pink spray!
3369.
Quick nurse, scalpel, pliers.
Old heart out. New SPAM in. Pat-
ient whines for ketchup.
3420.
Put SPAM on a leash
It is better than a dog
Housetrained, lasts longer
3435.
Cut SPAM into cubes
Paste them on your best dress suit
Edible fashion
3489.
House made out of SPAM
Flexible during earthquakes
Minimal damage
3662.
A new use for SPAM--
Poetry from Hormel's ham.
Wonders never cease.
3679.
Pins, toothpicks, pencils,
Stick bolt upright in the SPAM:
So multi-purpose.
3731.
Smeared on your body,
SPAM prevents sunburn all day,
And it's PABA-free.
3817.
Hide the SPAM inside
A plastic L'Eggs egg, sell it
As Silly Putty.
3834.
First you carve the SPAM,
Then roll it in seeds and wait.
Look! A chia pet!
3836.
Three SPAM triangles
An edible bikini
"Babe" on a babe. Yum!
3844.
It falls with a splat
Once every seven minutes--
Chinese SPAM torture.
3854.
SPAM: potential skin
graft substitute or food? Hmmm,
yes, well, you tell me...
3987.
The mugger says, "Stop!
Give me all your money! Now!"
And brandishes SPAM.
4018.
Baby's first Christmas:
Hates the doll, the train, the duck--
Loves playing with SPAM.
4140.
The can's now a pot
With two white flowers in it.
The SPAM, though, is shit.
4141.
With my cheese grater,
I prepare for the party.
Hooray! SPAMfetti!
4209.
Fabric softener
costs too much. Just toss some SPAM
in the rinse cycle.
4213.
When reception sucks,
our favorite food conducts:
SPAM can antenna!
4218.
In old days I went
fishing with lunch and bait in
same can. Bless Hormel!
4239.
Slice it paper thin.
Stick it on my window panes.
The room glows pinkly.
4355.
You can catch flies with
honey or vinegar but
you catch more with SPAM.
4372.
This cube on my plate
It is solid as a brick
I will build my house
4458.
Rescue in Holland:
Boy saves village from flood by
Plugging dike with SPAM.
4489.
Jack Kevorkian
builds a machine that drips SPAM
into people's veins.
4512.
Sunday hangover...
Party died down around 4:00
Only one cure: SPAM
4612.
Kevorkian says:
"SPAM deep fried in Olestra--
Five pounds minimum."
4638.
Put a wick in SPAM:
Burns quite well but smells REAL bad.
At last, a good use!
4697.
Breast implants of SPAM
Are safer than silicone
And twice as tasty.
4711.
Mobil sues Hormel
over the latter's ripped-off
"Pigasus" logo.
4734.
Police use SPAM spray
as pepper spray substitute.
Suspect D.O.A.
4743.
Pass the pipe, Charlie
Light the SPAM, inhale deeply
This shit is the best
4757.
I lost my glue, but
I found SPAM's just as sticky,
And has a nice smell.
4790.
Playing blues guitar;
bottleneck falls, breaks on floor.
Use SPAM can as slide.
4798.
Constipation cure:
SPAM and chewing tobacco.
Run! Duck and cover!
4806.
Aborigines
run out of their poison darts.
Duck! SPAM boomerangs!
4820.
All out of pomade,
I styled with greasy SPAM juice.
Looks great...but the flies.
4843.
SPAM thrown overboard
Attracts mako and thresher
They think it is chum
4860.
They say Nijinski
Used a mound of uncooked SPAM
To stuff in his tights
4898.
Johnson & Johnson
say, "Don't stick Q-Tips in your
ear canal. Use SPAM."
4935.
This bow tie of SPAM
Matches my pink cummerbund.
What, is it too loud?
4936.
My pieces are carved
From SPAM. Yours are of SPAM Lite.
Delicious Checkmate.
4949.
My friend uses SPAM.
He greases his hair with it.
He'll never marry.
4957.
Though pink and wiggly,
Extruded SPAM "worms" are shunned
Even by catfish.
4987.
Induce vomiting
in poison victims with just
two words: "SPAM milkshake."
5075.
a block of fake meat
if you coat SPAM with plastic
you make a doorstop
5133.
Useful for simu-
lating a gory flesh wound
during Halloween.
5135.
To preserve something
valuable for eterni-
ty, coat with SPAM juice.
5191.
Floating in lifeboat
Saw the dorsal fins approach
SPAM drove away sharks
5201.
SPAM in a thick sock
Swat your friends, they swing at you,
Many hours of fun
5213.
SPAM as purgative
Mix with chutney and warm milk
Drink in one gulp...purge!
5224.
Modular units
Connect with one another
SPAM cans as house bricks
5238.
Holding SPAM in cheeks
He pretended he had mumps
Took the day off work
5245.
SPAM used as napalm
Detonate a giant chunk
Watch the jelly stick
5246.
It's a narcotic
Chow down at least ten large cans
Feel the SPAM effect
5257.
SPAM origami
Rolled flat, fold it here and here
Look, a little pig!
5385.
Muggers corner me
Unafraid, I whip out SPAM
They run in terror
5400.
SPAM soles for my shoes
Shock absorbing foot comfort
For outrunning dogs
5407.
Tasteless SPAM haiku:
Open wound won't heal itself
Doctors graft on SPAM
5465.
You wonderful meat,
SPAM, you're my panacea
My problems seem small
5516.
I have been climbing.
All I took to eat was SPAM.
A way to lose weight.
5583.
New class of weapon
Low cost artillery shell
SPAM helps keep us free
5591.
Fuel of the future
SPAM: fifty miles to the can
Bad pollution, though
5689.
SPAM smells so sexy.
A little behind the ears,
And I can date cops.
5703.
Speckled granite meat,
Leaving it outside to dry:
A better walkway.
5727.
The cleaning lady
used a can of Spic 'n' Spam.
My, how the tub shines!
5758.
Put SPAM up your butt.
It acts as a laxative.
GRUNT GRUNT GRUNT, POOP, PLOP!
5776.
How awful it is
Not for human consumption
Used as bricks in room
5824.
Let's play shuffleboard!
We send the square cans gliding.
The loser must eat.
5835.
We're bobbing for SPAM!
The water tastes like a pig
Had an enema.
5898.
In Payless aisle nine
A non-taxable item
Next to the Elmer's
5900.
I need some lip-gloss
Here, rub your lips on my SPAM
Or your chin or cheeks?
5901.
Oops, I just started
Got any feminine pads?
How about some SPAM
5912.
Praiseworthy SPAM can.
Your contents are carved for sport.
Some folks eat it, too.
5915.
Taking a SPAM bath,
Surrounded by soap and meat.
I am one with SPAM.
5965.
Buy a lot of SPAM.
Give 'em out as Christmas gifts--
better than fruit cake!
6045,
When you're feeling sick
A spoonful of SPAM helps the
Medicine go down.
6107.
Oh, constipation.
The bowels are clamped shut now;
I think I'll have SPAM.
6178.
flexibility
in a blue can. for food or
fishbait..."make it SPAM!"
6321.
Waxed my car with SPAM
The finish gleams, water beads
Hungry dogs chase it
6336.
SPAM, versatile meat.
Not good for your colon, but
Makes a good lip gloss.
6338.
When you need it bad,
Get that cholesterol rush.
SPAM's better than crack.
6477.
Rather than sawdust
One can kill by stuffing SPAM
In the nose and mouth
6503.
I reach in the fridge
dried the spam waits uneaten
my shoes become new
6520.
BAREFOOT I WANDER
UNTIL I CHANCE UPON SPAM
TWO SLICES. SANDALS!!
6534.
a day at the lake
skipping, can't find enough stones
open the spam can!
6549.
Copper electrodes
Inserted in the pink meat:
A SPAM alarm clock!
6575.
Easily sculpted
My SPAM is like molding clay
Better than Play-Doh (tm)
6577.
I like to eat SPAM
SPAM is good for bulimics
It makes me vomit
6593.
Guitar picks are hard
SPAM lets one play with less "pluck."
Conditions hands, too.
6613.
Made a house of Spam
Weather-proof and won't erode
Spam is eternal
6718.
Night-time shutter squeaks.
Lubrication to sate noise,
pink-loaf gelatin.
6803.
Put a wick in it!
SPAM candles burn all night long.
Yum, smells like bacon.
6841.
Keep a can on hand
Then bring it out at mealtime.
Watch freeloaders leave.
6856.
fuel for steam engine
out of sterno, spam will work
he is my ex-friend
6881.
Built my house from SPAM
It never leaks when it rains
No need to paint it
6973.
Jack Kevorkian
Suicide assisted death
SPAM intravenous
6974.
Hormel Foods is now
To diversify into
Insect repellants.
6975.
Eat SPAM for breakfast--
The perfect way to disguise
Your morning sickness.
6988.
A block of SPAM makes
a good target for my Glock.
But it does splatter.
6989.
I tell kids: "Be good
or you'll get Christmas SPAM from
Santa." They behave.
7043.
Jack-o-lantern SPAM
carved with rusty razor blades.
No children this year.
7044.
I swim without fear,
wearing a suit made of SPAM,
in shark filled waters.
7077.
Delusions of pink
Thank Hormel for potted meat
Multi-purpose goo
7101.
Pink, cold, with jelly
covering the whole body.
SPAM as suntan oil!
7103.
Blue can by the door.
You didn't think I'd EAT it?!?
A great doorstop, though.
7106.
My dogs are begging
for their daily fix of SPAM.
Canine laxative!
7121.
SPAM: great birth control
Makes lovers bellies so large
Genitals won't touch
7145.
spam as currency
safe from devaluation
it has no value
7154.
Coins wedged in pink slab.
Father was too cheap to buy
A real piggy bank.
7156.
A noxious pink cloud
Holding the mugger at bay.
SPAM fart, self-defense.
7163.
Clay, decoration,
Maybe even food product.
SPAM's many uses
7205.
50s SPAM: "Meat of
1000 Uses". (Shouldn't
That be "Abuses"?)
7246.
Made a girl from SPAM
Went to park, pigeons peck her--
Our date is ruined!
7256.
Need insulation?
Line your walls with lots of SPAM
It worked for the pigs
7259.
Doctors okay SPAM
An appetite suppressent
Perfect diet food
7260.
I dumped my girlfriend
When she made a dress of SPAM.
Not pretty in pink.
7268.
Do you want to die?
Don't call Jack Kevorkian,
Overdose on SPAM.
7270.
Happy children play
With new modeling compound;
SPAM-castles abound.
7276.
"The only thing that
Limits use of SPAM is your
Imagination"...
7285.
Hormel adds salt to
SPAM "for firmness." Mmm... Perhaps
I'll give that a try...
7287.
Millions of cans
Of SPAM sold each year. Forget
Shuttle--stack 'em up...
7323.
Great Wall of China
built piece by piece with SPAM bricks.
Who could have known it?
7333.
Fishing? Use SPAM as
Bait. Works just like dynamite
But not as noisy...
7357.
Stone walls do not a
Prison make but SPAM makes a
Lovely pin cushion.
7606.
Tame unruly locks
With SuperHold SPAM Pomade--
A dab'll do ya!
7647.
Rub SPAM on a cut
A new antibiotic
That stops infection
7692.
LITTLE CUBES OF SPAM
WITH PEPPERCORNS ON EACH FACE
CAN MAKE IDEAL DICE.
7718.
PEOPLE TAKE COCAINE
TO SUPPRESS THEIR APPETITE.
EAT SPAM. IT'S CHEAPER.
7856.
Ancient mummies found,
no deterioration...
were embalmed in SPAM!
8457.
The uses of SPAM
so varied and voracious
consumes our talents.