Toaster Oven Troubles
Subj: Veterinary report
Date: 11/13/2002 1:02:10 PM Eastern Standard Time
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Gail Lorber)
To: email@example.com (gail at aol)
A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead."
He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"
The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, what did you expect?"
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park, too. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool.
I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my
Your future father-in-law.
P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery
Four Jewish brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor,
a hedge fund operator, and a retailer. They all prospered. Some years later,
chatting after a Channukah dinner, they discussed the gifts
that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an 600SL with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the
Torah and you know she can't see
very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 20 rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
From the August issue of "The Rotarian" magazine:
There once was a young man who professed a desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail and howl in pain, desperation, and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
"Parrot at Auction"
An ugly old lady went to an auction sale. There
she was attracted to a parrot in a gilded cage.
The parrot was large, very healthy looking and
exquisitely colored. The old lady was so attracted
by the parrot's appearance that she couldn't help
but bid on it. She bid, determined to have the
parrot, but another bidder competed and drove
the price very high.
The old lady eventually bought the parrot. She
was at the cashier's desk and told the cashier
that she was so excited about the beautiful
appearance of the parrot that she had neglected
to ask if it could talk.
The parrot spoke up, "Who do you think was
bidding against you?"
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after
the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately,
smoke billowed out of the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toaster is fine,
but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a
wall. The room is full of workers and he
thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make
a week?" Undaunted,
the young fellow looks at him and replies,
"I make $200.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a
week's pay, now GET OUT and
don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around
the room and asks - "does anyone want
to tell me what that slacker did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "He's the pizza delivery guy."
Joke Made up by Mr. Husband (aka Edward Reed Smith, HTM (husband of a Toastmaster)
My husband has a great idea for a TV show.
Angels will come down to earth and fix features
that people don't like.
The show will be called
"Re-touched by an Angel"!
Actual Quotes from Resumes
* I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them
know of my immediate availability.
* Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription
* Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and
can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.
* Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as "job-hopping". I have
never quit a job.
* Number of dependents: 40.
* Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.
* REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous."
* They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
* Click Here to put $12 in your pocket
* JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at
least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and
that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of
more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of
* I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
* My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
* I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
* PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian
A professor was giving a lecture on company
slogans in a college advertising and marketing
"Joe," he asked, "which company has the slogan,
'Come fly the friendly skies'?"
"United." Joe answered.
"Brenda, can you tell me which company has
the slogan, "Don't leave home without it?"
Brenda answered the correct credit card company
with no difficulty.
"Now John, tell me who uses the slogan --
'Just do it'?"
John thought for a moment, then answered,
"Er... My mom."