> A > N ABL's Barney Must Die Newsletter > T Issue #1 > I > B A R N E Y > L ABL- "A group of people united > E in a single goal. Be > A scared Barney. We have > G a mandate from the people > U and GOD almighty!" > E > > > > I hate Barney! I hate Barney! I hate Barney! > -- From the bestselling "Mantra for a New Age: > A World Without Barney" > > > "Barney is more insidious than Dianetics!" > -- Gumby, '60s animation star > > > > > > Welcome to the first issue of the Anti-Barney League's Barney > Must Die Newsletter. > > It is time that we must unite agaist a force that is covering > our nation like a dark cloud. Barney is evil. > > Barney and his Backyard gang are out to control the minds of > kids, so that after the seed of Barney is planted in their > psyche, they will more willingly accept a kind and gentle > DICTATORSHIP, by a man in a purple rubber suit. The problem > will grow unless we do some thing about it. Dinosaurs can't > be citizens, so let's send him to Costa Rica. > > PBS sponsors a show called "Barney and his Friends" (check > your local listings). Basically, it concerns a group of > irritating small children and a purple toy dinosaur named > "Barney" who comes to life and sings songs of a pro-social > nature. Of particular note is "The I Love You Song", sung to > the tune of "This Old Man", slowed to a dirge-like tempo: > > I love you. > You love me. > We're a happy family. > With a great big hug, > And a kiss from me to you, > Won't you say you love me too? > > > JUST WHAT IS BARNEY, ANYWAY? > > Barney is said to be some guy in a big foam rubber dinosaur > suit. Several things about this theory don't add up. For one > thing, Barney has full mobility. > > Remember Big Bird? Did you ever notice how only one of his > hands ever did anything and the other was always clutching his > stomach like he was about to puke up gizzard stones? That's > because Big Bird was a guy in a suit. That other hand was > operating his beak. > > Barney, however, has two fully functional arms, a working > mouth, and large moving cow like eyes. If a man is in there, > he's no ordinary man. (Plus, he's repeatedly demonstrated the > ability to leap in the air a CLICK HIS HEELS. Any NORMAL human > would sweat like a cheese trying stunts like that.) > > If he's not human, what is it? Let's speculate, shall we? > > 1) He's a real dinosaur. > > Possibly. Although resemblance to any known fossil remains is > questionable, the geological record is far from complete. > Since Barney is apparently warm-blooded, this would support > current revisionist paleontological theory. (The singing > ability is a new twist, however.) > > And how would we know if dinosaurs were purple or not? On the > other hand, while he is built along the lines of a carinvore > (Family Tyrannosauridae) his teeth seem those of a herbivore, > or at best, an omnivore. Assuming those are teeth. > > 2) He's some evil supernatural entity posing as a warm, cuddly > parent figure in order to train young children to be his > unholy army of ultimate darkness. > > You know, the more I think about this one, the more likely it > seems. Look at the facts. Kids LOVE him, and no one knows why. > Obviously, there are unclean forces at work here. The way to > test this out would be to confront the fiend with a bloody > crucifix. > > 3) He's a space alien. > > This would explain a lot. Barney, as a xenomormorph, might > have access to all sorts of technology that we couldn't even > begin to comprehend: hypnosis beams, holographic projectors, > even large-scale matter re-assemblers. All of theses could > account for the "powers of imagination" as depicted on the > show. As for his motives and purpose, see above. > > HOW DO WE STOP BARNEY? > > 1) Wait for him to go away. > > Most media darlings eventually do this, however, our > children's BRAINS are at stake. > > 2) Stuff a chicken and rock salt in his mouth, then sew his lips > shut. > > You could, in fact, fit several chickens in there. > > 3) Find out where his power supply is and unplug him. > > If he's a space alien, he may well be a robot. Let's hope he > doesn't have a breeder reactor in his tail. (Now that I think > of it, he probably gets his power from...The Children's > Television Workshop. Cut their funding!) > > 4) Stop believing in him. > > Scoff if you will, but this has worked with others recorded in > history. > > Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. If you think you know WHAT > Barney is, or HOW to destroy him, let us know. Until there's > an alt.barney.die.die.die we'll confine ourselves here. And > remember, you won't get your kids back until Barney is > dead.dead.dead. > > Barney the Dinosaur is amongst us all, brainwashing hapless > children, and you sit there at your terminal chuckling at my > so-called "madness". But listen. There's still time to put an > end to his evil Jurassic schemes. > > Barney is some kind of malignant supernatural force that has > invaded a toy stuffed kind of malignant supernatural force > that has invaded a toy stuffed dinosaur. > > There are two principal Barney modes. > > 1) There is the "Sentient Mode", where he is a six-foot tall > fuzzy purple saurian who moves around freely and talks and > sings like an brain damaged castrati. > > 2) There is the "Toy Mode", where he appears to be a small > stuffed version of himself. (NOTE: Neither of these is > Barney's true form. As a creature of darkness, he can take on > any form he chooses. > > We are dealing with a SUPERNATURAL Creature here. Don't assume > that just because he LOOKS like a fuzzy harmless doll that he > IS a fuzzy harmless doll. > > In toy form he will be constantly on his guard, whereas in > active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT shall > whereas in active mode he thinks himself invunerable. And THAT > shall be his downfall. > > You will need the standard tools: Garlic, a bloody crucifix, > an iron rod, a Tammy Faye record, stuff like that. Keep them > ready at all times in case of random Barney encounters. > > If by some chance you DO encounter The Hellspawn in active > mode, take these steps: > > *DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT!* > > His eyes have power. He uses them to possess people. If you > gaze too long upon his countenance, you will be HIS, body and > soul. The effect isn't as obvious on T.V., at least not with > adults. > > *DO NOT LET HIM SING TO YOU!* > > The real danger comes, from the seductive quality of his Song > Of Entrapment: > > I love you.... > Etc... > Etc... > Etc... > Won't you say you love me too? > > If you DO say you love him, then he OWNS your soul and all its > accessories. And we'll have to kill you too. > > *ACT CASUAL.* > > Lull him into a false sense of security. Pretend you want an > autograph for your nephew. If you're especially skillful, you > can get him to sign an agreement to leave mortals alone for > all eternity. > > (NOTE: Your pen MUST be filled with blood for this to work. > While he is not really likely to fall for a cheap stunt like > this, it's certainly worth a try, unless you're worried about > him sucking up your soul like jello through a Hoover.) > > *DESTROY HIM.* > > Don't worry. If you've done everything right he won't suspect > a thing. The following methods will certainly annilihate most > creatures of darkness: > > 1) Poke him gently in the ribs with a bloody crucufix, saying > "Hey? Hey? Hey? Big fella?" > > 2) Blow pepper at him. Have a Holy Man of God ready to say "Bless > you," when he sneezes. Stand well back, so as not to get > Barney-bits all over you. > > 3) Blow his face off with a flare gun. > > 4) Cancel his show. (NOTE: You'd better be a PBS executive.) > > 5) Ask yourself. How would "MacGyver" handle this? > > 6) Decapitate him with a silver sword, on sacred ground, under a > 3-D picture of Jesus, while drinking a glass of holy water > FROM THE FAR SIDE OF THE GLASS, with a bag over your head, > while singing "Amazing Grace", in a month with a "K" in it. > (Note: The sword MUST be blessed by His Holiness the Pope. > Otherwise, you're wasting your time.) > > One of those ought to work. Give it a try. If you'd like to > field test any of these methods, use them on Rush Limbaugh. > All of the above applies to HIM, too. > > There comes a time when we as a society must humbly admit our > wrongs and take whatever actions necessary to correct our > misdoings. Barney the dinosaur is one of the most hideous > creations of modern American culture and as such, he MUST be > destroyed. The termination of Barney must therefore become a > goal of all decent, responsible citizens. Only united can we > protect our children and stop his evil reign! > > FOR ANYONE WHO DOUBTS THAT BARNEY IS EVIL INCARNATE > > Just turn down volume on the TV the next time Barney appears. > Striped of his music ( such as the 'I love you, you love me' > chant, one of his most powerful spells ) Barney's ugliness > immediately becomes visible. I assure you, if you try this, > you will feel a chill as you watch the demonic blob silently > moving its mouth, gesturing, and dancing before you. After a > moment to recover your composure, you too will realize what > must be done.