Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997 01:55:24 -0500 From: kerris skyye Subject: FILL:INTRO: A crossdressing firegiant with really bad gas. ...brilliant lime green fur. Around his impish (really there is no other word to describe) face he is fringed with banana color fuzzies and lovely white eyebrows and eyelashes. When the little one reaches for you, you see the palms of his hands are the color of a royal blue stain. As you pick him up and he nuzzles your neck, he smiles at you and shows lightening white fangs and an orangey-yellow tongue. Awwwww... is he a sweet lovable little one or a freak created by a phreak in Ohio? The monkey hops to your shoulder and points to a very long hallway, dark, lit only by various sconces (clue number one that author is a big homo; he used the word sconces and can also define the word> of various hues, hung upon the wall at varying angles just to make creepy shadows play along the door frames. You turn you head and stare into the monkey's black eyes. You both shrug your shoulders and slowly walk into the hallway. You notice lining the walls are bizarre pieces of art. Some representing lurid red landscapes of sin and evil, while others depict the cool blues and oranges of healing and fame. The doors are slightly ajar, enough the strange lights or pitch blacks to leak through and linger around the ceiling. Creeping closer to the door at the end of the hallway, you begin to hear the mumbling and grumbling of Kerris Skyye (you know its him cause you read it on his mailbox when you walked up the driveway). "For Christ's sake, why am I always having to move... it is not always my fault, ya know." The monkey leaps to the floor and scrambles into the room. You follow as far as the doorway and you peer into the brightly lit room. Neon light and stained glass sear your eyes. The overwhelming presence of primary colors, flamingos and flowerpots crammed full of pansies (clue number two that the author is a big homo) bashes your brain and makes the optic nerves beg for mercy. Your eyes, quite fearfully, track across the brash and blaring colors of the room, finally resting on a huge honey pine fake wood computer stand. Through the knick-knacks, coffee cups, and other bizarre items you think you see a flicker of a monitor and the feeble twinkle of an external modem. In the far corner of the room, lay a futon, a small TV playing the kids in the hall movie BrainCandy, a poster of the 1985 Chippendale dancer calendar hangs on the wall and a condom dispenser is kneelevel by the futon. You have decided that you are creepified enough, and turn to leave the brutal scene of having too much time on one's hands. Instantly, the tall, slim lunatic spots you with both ears pierced with diamond studs. "What? Who are you? No matter. Come in and you will help up pack up the bribes... I mean presents to my new neighbors." Kerris walks to where you are standing and drags you by the arm deeper into the room of bad acid trips. "Sit down here until I need you", he says and as he pushes you into a tye-dye beanbag chair, "Sit and be good." He turns and proceeds to ignore you. Looking over to the computer stand, you see a jumble of insanity. GI Joe's with Kung Fu Grip, one standing on Barbie's neck while the other is using his special grip on poor Malibu Ken's neck. Rubber Gumby's and Pokey's are superglued all over the front of the stand. Snapshots of naked leather men adorn the available space on front of the printer. (Clue number three that the author is a big homo) Candles and gemstones litter the desk area and seem to enshrine the neon aqua colored DevilBong sitting in the shadows by the side of the monitor. You breathe deeply and look over at the lime green spider monkey, and to your disgust is picking its nose, eating the newfound treasure, and smacking its lips. Kerris hurriedly open a glass box of gold and red hues and snaps at the monkey, "Hurry up pet, go get the weasel. Be quick about it, we've got little time." 1. The monkey sighs and hops to the floor in search for the weasel. "Stop being so cross. It is not my fault you cause so much trouble everywhere we go. Did I stir up all that trouble on IRC? I think not... good thing we travel light. NOT one trace of humor in that arid land. But Kerris, did you have to waltz into the lesbidyke channel and shake your winkie at them and then proceed to tell them that all the needed was five minutes riding... oh you remember. So we had to pack up quick a gazillion times, fleeing server after server, until we were driven to that crazy, juvenile and barbaric world known as AOL." The monkey stops and stares off into space with an evil grin spreading across his glowing face. "We had some groovy times in that joint. However, they TOS you around so much, and you know I'm quite delicate. (Clue number four...) Continuing to look under tables and chairs, the monkey reaches under one of the purple plaid loveseats and begins to drag out an indigo blue ferret. Grabbing it by the scruff of the neck, giving it a good sloppy monkey-kiss, he tosses the rattling to Kerris who catches him and rolls him into a ball and scritches the ferret's chin. "Awwwwww. My little asacreed", stroking the ferret, "you go to MomKat and be a good rattling, OK?" The ferret purrs and chatters in agreement. "Help her forgive my penchant for really long sentences, forgetting about simple grammar rules, lick her toes in the morning so she don't oversleep, my punctuation, use your litter box and don't chew up the phone cord. Act real cute and ferret like and help me butter her up... I mean, help me make new friends here, OK?" Kerris plops the blue ferret into the glass box and addresses this to MomKat. " There. She is gotta at least try and like me now. Cute box, cute gift... I'm in for sure." Goofy grin crosses Kerris's face as you begin to feel really uncomfortable. Lack of understanding in your stomach and fears unknown blind your mind. You think to your self that you must try and save the WRITERS list somehow, but looking around at the ToysRUs for the criminally insane, a feeling of hopeless and despair lay claim to your heart. You just can't seem to take your eyes off the stuffed grizzly bear that stands guard by the stained glass windows. This lunatic has put a cherry red teddy, complete with garters, on this majestic beast. A small moan escapes your lips. "Something wrong, Hon?" Kerris quirks an eyebrow at you. (Fifth and sixth clue. "Hon" and "quirks") You decide to stay very, very quiet. "Now who else seems to be in the happening groovy group? Hmmm... That Tink guy has been nice. Sent me that FAQ list." The monkey giggles, "If you had read that mother first instead of just jumping in and posting and then annoying that Jester and then he laughed at you... which was the funniest thing. If you had followed the rules, we wouldn't be scrambling to pack up all these bribes." "These are not bribes you puss colored orangutan!" Kerris bellowed knowing quite well spider monkeys hate being called orangutans. "OOOOHHH... I forgot. These are just little gifts of ...HI! I am new in the neighborhood, please let me live here or I will be banished to the blechy land of newsgroup moonies." The monkey squeals and dodges the ceramic rhinestone studded Mozart bust that Kerris hurled across the room. "Humph... who reads FAQ's anyways?" Kerris picks up a clear glass orb and tosses it into the air. The orb flashes a beam of rainbow rays of light and hovers in front of Kerris's nose. "Tink will love this little toy." The monkey leaps to Kerris's shoulder and whines in his ear, "Tink has too many morals to play with that toy, you are just gonna start trouble." Kerris grabs the green ball of fur and tosses him onto the futon, "Shut up. YOU know nothing about anything. This is for writer's block. When all you ideas dry up, this little baby will float out into the world while the really good WRITERS are asleep, then suck up all their fresh ideas, story lines and creative juices, then it hightails it back and pukes up Pulitzer Prizes into your brain." With an evil giggle, Kerris opens a small window and lets the ball of inspiration float free. The monkey rolls his eyes and scratches his butt. You cup your head in your hands and try to concentrate on how to get out of this nightmare. You wish for a Valium. Suddenly, the light vanishes from the room and deep grumbling and a bolt of lightening crashes down from the sky. "It's GAWD, Kerris. Please, please be cordial", quips the monkey. A spotlight shines down on Kerris Skyye, bleaching out his complexion but highlighting the brassy tones of his brown hair. (Clue seven) "Kerris Skyye?" A booming voice calls out with a lisp. "Yes GAWD? Kerris voice trembles and he sits down quickly in the expensive Swiss computer chair that does everything but bring you to orgasm. "Have you read the FAQ tink sent you?" GAWD booms. "Yes GAWD... well, not about the part dealing with how many times you can post and how big your posts can be..." Cutting Kerris off with another lightening bolt and a fart, Kerris is singed blue black and yells in surprise. "OK OK I will read it." Kerris wails. "Good. Now listen here. You have been tarred and feathered and left to rot in the sun on IRC. They TOS'd your butt off AOL that you landed in Cambodia and had to sell your body to get back home. The Microsoft Network called the cops on you for advancing sexually on an unwilling Bill Gates (clue number eight?). CompuServe gave your home mailing address to the UNIBOMBER, and Prodigy wouldn't even let you in... NOW... this place is really a nice place, kinda hip and with it, groovy and all that shit. Can you be sane and not get kicked out of here?" Kerris shakes his head vigorously. "And you do know that if they chase you from here, the last stop is newsgroup boredom land?" Kerris Skyye quivers with fear. "I'll be good, I swear. I can be good, I just know it." GAWD cracks up, "Whatever... This is the last time I am covering your butt, buckaroo. You hear me? This crap that I am a forgiving deity is a little overdone. I am tired of hearing every five minutes; 'GAWD! Who is this nut?' Or 'GAWD! He is on my nerves!' Or 'Oh GAWD! He really didn't just say that, did he?' I'm a busy guy, Kerris. You're even getting on my nerves." Kerris squirms in his seat and kind of looks mean at GAWD. "I'm not a nuisance. I'm just rambunctious... humph.. a nuisance". GAWD sighs. "Just be good for once, ok? And for MY sake, get rid of that condom dispenser. You are sooooo tacky. GAWD leaves. You almost pass out because your whole entire belief system has been shattered. "Hey monkey! Deliver this package to MomKat and then come back and keep this nerd... I mean cool and hip person company. I've got to the flea market to buy some scabies for Jester." Kerris slips on a pair of baggy sailor pants, a leather haltertop, and candies and swaggers out the door. You look over at the monkey and ask if Kerris always dresses that way and the monkey replies, "No. He is just showing off for you. He is usually naked. A suggestion. Leave before you see that. Seeing Kerris naked sends people into therapy. --more gifts and bribes later-- kerris skyye