Date: Fri, 12 Dec 1997 17:14:44 EST From: A Big Bowl of Cybernuts Subject: INT: EmJay: What? You want me to vote you what? [don't forget! your ballot (and mine!) need to be sent in before Dec. 15, which is just...Monday? Oh, no, I'm late, I'm late...] (attempted humor. do not try this by yourself, insist on having a professional make a fool of themselves instead...:) I must be kidding, right? here I am, reading my email on a slow friday night with the end of the EmJay balloting period slipping closer, and here comes a blue can in the mail. I snap the key off the bottom, crack that old seal, and find this odd missive (along with directions claiming that if I send it to five hundred list members, I'll have good luck in my next life...what a deal!): Fote for moy (Erving Moy, the Number Two Son) for: Beastial Ground Less Member Most often Convicted Test Organ Least Critical Faculties (tenured or not!) Well-Done (not charcoal, but blackened) and a huge laundry list of other oddities. I crumpled that up, and tried looking at the real ballot. A few comments came to mind and snuck right out here... Interactive Story? How about 13? Rarely used, as it used to be in a downtown hotel... List Pair? WRITERS and YOU! Best Overalls? Oshkosh, B'Gosh! Does anyone else make them? Best Signature File? how about the one that Lenny, the forger, keeps? Absolutely great collection of signatures. Best Writing Exercises? write, revise, mail. Favorite Essayist(s)? Essay can you ski through the paris bright lights? List Conservative/The Bob Dole Award? Why would anyone want to be a pineapple? List Daddylonglegs? that's the new SF blockbluster coming out, isn't it? Starring a cat and SFX spiders bigger than a house? List Diplomaniac? I don't think it's appropriate to comment on anyone's drinking habits, but I've heard that XXXXXXXXXX really gets into Poland Spring water. Bathes in the stuff, if you know what I mean? List Flirt (Award for Male and Female)? So how did this A. Ward character get listed in the ballot? and why for both sexes? List "Gandalf" or Sage/The Merlin Award? Surf-fishing for merlin? Kewl? and then you are going to stuff him with sage and bake him in narya (a ring of fire by some other name?) sounds like good eating! List Instigator? Is this like...instant gator? So who's a crocodile on the list? Just add water and up they pop, toothy grin foremost? List Ked? No thanks, I'll stick with my own shoes. Appreciate the offer and everything, but... List Lurker? In the dark, no one can hear you type? Most Bullheaded? That's easy, the minotaur done it! Most Mysterious/The Hugh Hefner Award? who? Who Wouldn't You Dropkick Out of Beads? this is a 60's thing, right? I mean, I haven't worn beads in years (well, the occasional pearls with basic black, but nothing ostentatious, you know?) Who Would You Most Likely Let Babysit Your Kids? Who Would You Least Likely Let Babysit Your Kids? So tell me, is it fair to suggest that someone sit on your kids? I have to wonder, in the current frying pan of public opinion, is the temperature right for suggesting that sitting on kids just isn't a modern way to treat them. Babysitting? JUST SAY NO! Somewhere in the fluid dripping out of the can, I discovered a web page (http://web.mit.edu/mbarker/www/emjay/emjay.html ) which promised to help me understand these strange questions and show me where to send my ballot for the EmJay Awards.... I think I'm going to try stirfrying the canned laugher in the mail, and see what happens. see you around the awards banquet. I hear they're going to serve swedish meatballs. *wink* tink