Date: Thu, 18 Dec 1997 21:06:24 -0500 From: Catherine Berchtold Subject: INT: the EmJay Awards - Part 3 I apologize for sending the announcement split like this but I knew I wouldn't be finished typing all of this until late and I wanted the members who only have computers at work to be able to read what they had won before going home. Was that a run-on sentence? ;) Daisy Mae come a stompin' back inna the gymnasium jist in time ta see Bullet misbehavin'. She run'd over ta him ta give him a thump onna the head and sent him flyin'. "I is so sorry, Tony. We been tryin' ta teach him not ta dance onna people's legs but he's a hard one ta learn." Daisy wuz jist too embarrassed ta hang around ta hear what he had ta say. She run'd up on ta the stage and grabbed up the EmJay Award list sos she could start readin'. "The List Conservative or The Bob Dole Award goes ta AnthonyD." She picked up a rat nice picture of Nixon on velvet and handed it ta Anthony. "We gots a tie fir second place. AnthonyT and Phil Havey. Antaeus, BillL, "the pineapple," Celia Hixon and Valentine Michael Smith wuz also nominated for Dole wannabes." "Our List Curmudgeon this year is BillL aka: "William the Malevolent". Daisy picked up a big ol' bag of purtty, yellow lemons and give 'em ta Bill. "AnthonyD and Momkat is tied up fir second and AnthonyT stands alone fir third. Some other hissers and moaners is Hunter James, JaneW, Valentine Michael Smith, ChrisL, Roz, Gary Goldberg and a strange vote what said, "gone, only pretenders around now!"." "If anybody ever needs burpin' or changin', Tink is the fella ta see cuz his our List Daddy. CK, git up off your be-hind and give Tink his award." Rat quick like, CK give him his stack of spit-up pads. "If Tink's too busy fir ya, ya can always see BT or BillL cuz they come in second and third place. Sorry, fellas, we ain't got no spit-up pads fir ya. Other Daddies are Tony Roberts, Valentine Michael Smith and John Bailey." "The List Diplomat winner for 1997 is Tink." CK give him a nice set of scales ta measure issues. "Randy Money come in second and third wuz tied up with John Bailey and Phanny. Other level- headed diplomats are Woofie, Dr. Frog, Dustin, Celia Hixon, Jester and Pete." "The List Flirt - female - goes ta... Ladies! Ladies, sit your hind-ends down or I'll have ta call Bubba. Thank you. The List Flirt - female - award goes ta CK. Here ya go, CK. A white hankie ta wave at the fellas or drop onna the ground. The close runner up is MJ with Tori breathin' down her back. We gots some other flirtin' females onna this list. They is Judy, who done a good show and Woofie, DonnaB, Raini "where is that wink lately?", CathyB, Carol Cross and Robyn Harris." "The List.... " Daisy made an awful face. "Sir, you best be closin' that shirt up. Ahem. The List Flirt - male - goes ta... Dustin. Calm down, Gary, it wuz a close race and you come in second. Dustin, the list is givin' ya a small blanket ta toss over puddles and such. The third place flirt goes ta AnthonyD. The other flirtin' males what makes us go, wow! is Dr. Frog, Randy Money, AnthonyT, ChrisL, Tom Sawyer, ChrisV, BT and BillL." "Ahh, the man who gonna teach us young grasshoppers is the List Galdalf/Sage or Tink. Other sage smellin' folks is Randy Money, Valentine Michael Smith, BillL, John Bailey, Rodney Coates, Woofie, Izzy, Dr. Frog, CathyB, AnthonyT and Roz. Don't ya worry none ladies, I done filed papers with them Women's Equal Rights people cuz of this heavily "male" dominated category." "The List Instigator winner is AnthonyD with BillL "only the good kind of instigation" a comin' in second and CK and Barbara Harris tied up fir third. There is times when JaneW, Wes, Jester and JaneG like ta instigate, too. "The List Kid by a landslide is Robyn Harris with that other Robyn a comin' in second and that ol' lady CathyB come in third. BT, Cybele-Alison, AnthonyT and Roz has also been called child-like. "The List Liberal or The Jessie Jackson Award goes ta..... Judy with ChrisV and Anitra Freeman tied up close behind. Them other liberals wuz ChrisL, BillL, Fanoula, JaneW, AnthonyD, Jim Duncan, Elsa and Gary Goldberg." "This List Lurker wuz hard ta vote fir this year. There wuz so many ta pick from. Woody Paxton's That Other Guy, The Secret Elephant, Tom Sawyer, Deborah Poetiksoul, Valentine Michael Smith, "about 900 nameless people," Jim Duncan, Jody Schiesser, Elsa, Corinne Labol, Margaret Kramer and Woody Paxton." "The List Mommie is gonna be awarded with no leak nursing pads. Umm, here ya go, MJ, enjoy. Phanny come in second put she ain't gonna git no pads. Our other Mommies is Tink, Roz, Woofie, Momkat and Pat Fish." "The List Oldster winner is Valentine Michael Smith." Daisy hands Val a box of Correct All Herbal Tea sos he can always have a happy morning. "Second place done had a huge tie with Granny Roz, AnthonyT and Phil Havey. Third place went ta Dr. Frog/Alcmaeon Frog. More oldsters is Dan Goodman, Marshall Gilula, Rory and BillL." Daisy frantically puts her finger near the button of her 'help me, I've fallen and can't git up' device. "The List Predator or The Wes Craven Award goes ta AnthonyD with Barbara Harris comin' in second and TJ in third." Daisy takes this time ta hand out 'help me, I've fallen' devices ta all members. "We gots some other predators ta keep an eye out fir. Dr. Wes, BillL, Woofie, Jester, JaneW, "the flamers," and Ocky Milkman." Daisy shivers. "That Ocky done brung back memories." "The list's Most Bullheaded is AnthonyD. Umm, here ya go, Anthony, it's a ring. Ya know, fir your nose. Antaeus gits second place while third is tied up tight with BT, CK and BillL. Them other bulls is MJ, "the flamers," Barbara Harris, ChrisL, Pat Fish and "WRITERS" in general." "The Most Intellectual or The Einstein Award goes ta BillL. Bill, we wuz gonna give ya a wig what looked like Einstein's hair-do but I can see ya done got yourself one. We'll think of somethin' else fir ya. Okay? Second place goes ta ChrisL and third ta BT. The folks what made a good show is Randy Money, Dustin, Valentine Michael Smith and Antaeus. Some of them other Einsteins is Tink, AnthonyT, AnthonyD, Izzy, Anitra and Jim Duncan. Hey, I wants ta know how come my name ain't onna this list?" "The Most Knowledgeable Techie on List is Tink with Woofie rat onna his heels in second and Mat Ward and BillL tied at third. Let's all make a note of the folks who we can call when we needs help. ChrisL, AnthonyD, Celia Hixon, Sheila Allen, Anitra, ChrisV and Los Joneses/Sonya." "The Most Likely to be Published winner goes ta Robyn Herrington with CK rat behind her in second. Here ya go, Robyn, we is given ya a pen ta do all that signin'. BillL and Pete is tied up together in third place. These folks done made a good show, too. JaneW, Rory, Dustin, ChrisV and Pat Fish. Take a look at all of these purtty names. Anitra, Rodney Coates, Audrey, Tony Roberts, "you, if you write it, finish it and send it out," Gary Goldberg, Dr. Frog, Jester, Randy Money, BT, Raini, John Bailey, Celia Hixon and AnthonyD." "The Most Likely to be Seen at an Open-Mike Reading winner is CK and she gits a roll of Certs... jist in case. AnthonyD comes in second with the comment made... "with a whip in his hands"." Daisy chuckles. "And Anitra comes in third with a big ol' bunch of folks followin' her. BT, BillL, Dr. Wes, Pete, Robert the Goat, Carol Cross, and John Bailey." Daisy done feels a cold breeze blow inna the room. "The Most Mysterious or The Howard Hughes Award wuz won by that little feller Tink. Here. Here's your black cap. The second place spot has a tie with Woody Paxton/That Other Guy and Jim Duncan. There's other folks that we's got some questions 'bout. ChrisL, Valentine Michael Smith, Mat Ward, AnthonyT, Robert the Goat, The Secret Elephant, Adam An-tAthair-Siorai, Los Joneses and Rory." Daisy done covered up her ears ta announce this category. "The Most Outspoken award goes ta CK who gits a tube of chap stick ta go with her Certs. AnthonyD gits second but no chap stick and Judy and MJ have third all tied up. BT, AnthonyT, Barbara Harris, BillL, Izzy, Silverpawn, Woofie, Randy Money and Pat Fish also tells us what's onna their minds." "The Most Persuasive person onna the list is Tink but Randy Money is rat onna his heels with second. BT and BillL is a tryin' ta persuade the other one ta step down from third place but neither one'll give over. Other 'suaders is DonnaB, Valentine Michael Smith, Woofie, ChrisL, MJ, Izzy, Youngblood, Daffid, AnthonyD, "words, and more words, sweetly chosen and well-presented," and little Phanny." "The Most Political is one a them categories what is always crowded with men." Daisy sighs. "The winner is ChrisL and AnthonyD come in second. Them other sign carryin', button wearin' and bumper-sticker stickin' folks is BillL, Valentine Michael Smith, Va Carper, "men," Gary Goldberg, Tony Roberts, Jim Duncan, Daffid Voelke, Mark Wilson, CC Ryder and JaneW." "The Most Romantic and shoulder rubbin' person onna the list is Gary Goldberg." Daisy done had ta hand the boy a tissue fir his tears. "Second place wuz tied up with so many folks it looked like they'd been playin' Twister. Dr. Frog, MJ, Tori, Tom Sawyer, and BillL. Some other hip-swayin' folks is Fanoula, Phanny, Dustin, Rodney Coates, AnthonyD, Valentine Michael Smith and the comment "a book of verse, a jug of wine and thou beside me"." "The Most Sensual award goes ta... " Daisy turned her face from the crowd ta swipe at a tear. "It goes ta CK and she gits a tube of purtty, red lipstick. AnthonyD and Tom Sawyer tied fir second and it's a good thing they didn't git first or they'd had ta wear that purtty red lipstick. The other sensuals is ChrisL, Fanoula, Dr. Frog, Judy, DonnaB, Caryn Law, BT, Tori, Youngblood, Pete, Omar the Cheetos Man and BillL." "The Most Serious winner is Valentine Michael Smith. We wuz gonna git ya somethin' from the Peanut Gallery, Val, but figgered ya wouldn't like it. Phil Havey come in second and ChrisL third. More folks what you'll find with their nose ta the grindstone is AnthonyT, John Bailey, Celia Hixon, Antaeus, Anitra, AnthonyD, Va Carper, BillL, Jim Duncan, JaneW, tink and Randy." "The Most Surprising is CK, followed up by other shockin' folks. BT, Caryn Law, Jester, AnthonyD, Dustin, CathyB, JaneW, Fanoula, "people," and Izzy." "The Most Temperamental onna the list is JaneW with CK comin' in second and Barbara Harris and AnthonyD tied up fir third. BT, Valentine Michael Smith, "the flamers," and Pat Fish is also a little temperamental at times." "The Peanut Gallery award is always lusted after by some folks but this year the Jester took the title and he's done got the hat. Woofie done come in second and Mat Ward wuz third. CathyB, Phanny, Roz and MJ done made a good show. The Gallery is full of peanuts... Mark Worthen, Rqy McDowell, BT, Dustin, tink, CK, JaneG, Audrey Friedman, Tristan, ChrisV, Tony Roberts, Audrey Friedman, Pat Fish and Darquestar Thomas Michaels." "The Golden Shovel Award is new this year and given ta AnthonyD." Daisy hands Anthony his gold shovel. "BillL done some good shovelin' ta come in second and BT & Dr. Frog worked real hard ta git third. Shovels done been flyin' around the list. Mat Ward, Marshall Gilula and AnthonyT." "The Parachute Award (most likely to leap before looking), along with a last will and testament is given ta CK. Our second and third place winners is JaneW and AnthonyD. We needs ta be watchin' the sky more cuz there is lots of folks who like ta leap. Barbara Harris, Dr. Frog, Judy, BillL, Elsa, "the list," Jester, "the flamers," Mat Ward and "the Conspire flame war participants." "The Soul of the List award, which is a recordin' of the Blues Brothers singin' "I'm a Soul Man", goes ta tink. MJ come in second and Valentine Michael Smith come in third. Other folks with a lot of soul is Woofie, Phanny, BillL, Robyn Herrington and Judy." "The Welcome Wagon Award goes ta Phanny fir always extendin' the right hand in writer fellowship." Phanny is handed a jug of hand lotion. "Second and third place winners is Woofie and Fanoula. Some other hand extenders is Forrest Lee Horn and MJ." Daisy done got out her breath spray and give her mouth a squirt. "The 'Who Wouldn't You Kick Out of Bed?' award for the Male goes ta ChrisL. We is given him a daily planner ta carry inna his pocket. Second place wuz a good size tie with AnthonyT, Tom Sawyer and Dustin. Who is them other men us ladies wouldn't dare kick outta bed? Dr. Frog, BillL, Rory, AnthonyD, Muttpup, tink, Gary Goldberg and Jester." Daisy grabbed a hold of the special made tree stump 'til her knuckles turned white. "The 'Who Wouldn't You Kick Out of Bed?' award for the Female goes ta..." She flung MJ the evil-eye. "It goes ta MJ. Second place goes ta Phany and third place is a tie with CK and Tori. There's a bunch of other ladies what don't have heel marks onna their be-hinds. Fanoula, Trish Beard, Judy, DonnaB, Woofie, Robyn Herrington, Youngblood and the purple bikini top, Izzy." MJ jumped ta her feet. "Hey, where's my gift?!" "Oh, I forgot. Here it is." Daisy Mae gently tossed the daily planner ta MJ who didn't know'd how ta catch and let it hit her up-side the head. "Ahem. The 'Who Would You Most Likely Let Babysit Your Kids?' aka, The Barney Award goes ta MJ!" Daisy Mae grinned real big and give MJ her 12 volume set of Barney shows. "Second place goes ta CathyB and third ta Tori. Woofie and Youngblood made a good show of it, too. Let's all make a list of the good babysitters. Fanoula, tink, Randy, Robyn Herrington, Judy, Robyn Harris, Gary Goldberg, Dr. Frog, Bruce Harper, Phanny, Roz and BT." "The 'Who Would You Least Likely Let Babysit Your Kids' award goes ta AnthonyD cuz it's done been said that - "he seems to be into spanking". Let's be sure ta take a photo of these other folks what ain't fit ta watch children. BT, Dr. Frog, JaneW, Woofie, Robyn Herrington, Jester, Barbara Harris, BillL cuz..."he'd force 'em to read Chaucer, at any age"." That's it folks. There ain't nothin' ta see here, now jist move along. ********************************** Problem : Tummy Troubles Symptoms : Spitting up hairballs the size of a cow Cause : Self-bathing with tongue Fix : Get bathed by a friend -- Opus N' Bill's Life Repair Manual ***********************************