Date: Fri, 20 Nov 1998 12:41:32 -0500 From: "J. Hall" Subject: Re: [WRITERS] INT: the eMJay award interview questions, part tree? At 11:00 AM 11/20/98 EST, you wrote: >If I were a canned food I would be a tin of G.I. beans in a care package >drifting down from a parachute over Japan, hurtling towards radioactive >contamination. I think they did that in Berlin.=20 Bean drop I mean. Little kercheif paras attached to cans of Heinz Extra Koshers. Just for spite, the kosher bit I mean.. Ach! Hilde commen se looken! Beannzzz! Again mit da beanzzzz. Enough already mit da beanzzz [shaking a weak and palsied fist at the sky for a moment, then checking to see if anyone saw him]. Hermann! Shutten ze up about Beanzzz! You want maybe they shoult zend down Schpamzz [clucking happily and tucking little shrouded red tins in her mothy old fox coat]. Ah yes, When We Saved The World. Better days then. =20 > >If I were a canned food I would be asparagus in a woman's cupboard in= France, >but I don't know French, I would have no idea what I was. Un bidon de a d'asperge. =20 I think that would make an excellent name for a Villain in some Restoration farce. Like, "Hark! Here comes Comte Bidon d'Asperge! Hide your Women!" =20 > >If I were a canned food I would be the okra languishing under the kitchen >sink, finally rescued and dumped into a large cardboard box in the paste >scented front hall of an elementary school from a small hand in gritty mittens >dripping ice crystals. Andriy's Kindergarden Gulag Surprise: Okra Nuggets Again. >If were a canned food I would be a tinned ex-salmon, proud of my chewy pink >calcium content. My mother used to make fried salmon patties, sort of a catfoodburger. If you cook them long enough, they develop a thin, almost varnish-like crust of vaporized fishing boot memories.. Maybe it was the goggling sneer on the face of the Canned Sockeye, but something about the memory of chipped fishflesh brings to mind irate, despondent Finns, plotting their revenge against Mankind for being born into a village where the only woman without a giant disfiguring facial mole is Helka, Sergeant of the Home Guard..=20 >If I were a canned food I would be pale mealy pears, soggy and despondent. Goes with the Salmon to Preservatives Anonymous, bitches about how Apples always get the best jobs and Peaches, who can understand their accent? I mean with those flibbery yellow lips sputtering syrup all over your shirt, it's like talking to a Showalla in full Rant... > >If I were a canned food I would be cocktail onions, wishing for white go go >boots when it came time to shimmy in an iridescent martini. :) now there's an image! >If I were a canned food I would be Folger's automatic drip, knowing my= future >is glorious but blessed in my ignorance that it will involve being steeped. Didn't Folger's, or one of the Folger's, maybe it was a Bolger, buy a Shakespeare Folio? Or donate it to the National Big Pile of Library Books? I'm thinking..oh yeah Henry Clay Folger. His vife, Emily, too, coming out of their French Doors with oversized mugs of the stuff, she stubs her toe on a crack in the new marble terracing tiles, sloshes coffee droplets on her perfect cashmere daycoat, and Henry rolls his eyes knowingly, trying not to think about the Dash of Irish Mist she slipped into Cup No. 35 for the day. Waving at the press corps, yes, yes, we're glad to give Shakespeare to the Pipples! The Folger Shakespeare Library=AE is Proud to Present..present..present... A new line of Morning Fresh..fresh..fresh..fresh.. Coffeeees..[psst fix the feedback! thanks]..featuring our new spokesman, Hamlet, Prince of the Danes! =20 Hullo. Goddes I'm beat, and after a longge mornyng of slaying Uncles I really needes bee a goode cuppa. That's why I drinkke this stuff. [holds up pewter alemug] Mmm. Tastes lyke Pure Potentiality! Or maybee it doesn't. I can't decide... So you bee the Judge! Folger's! For those tymes you really neede to Gette Going and Exeunt Stage Leffte! :) Jeff, who has to admit yours were better than myne. ------------------------------------------------ "Any dogma, primarily based on faith and emotionalism, is a dangerous weapon to use on others, since it is almost impossible to guarantee that the weapon will never be turned on the user." -Isaac Asimov, Foundation / Book Two.