Date: Wed, 9 Dec 1998 11:56:11 -0500 From: Robert J Crawford Subject: [WRITERS] SUB: NOW who's the Curmudgeon? Ambition, n.- That short lived virtue of hard work and diligence that promises the ways and means of impunity. Birth, n.- The end of gestation and of innocence. Caucasians, n. pl.,- A greedy, selfish tribe who flourished across the face of the earth with the aid of interracial breeding and exploration, a.k.a. rape and conquest; Collectively, an uninvited houseguest who in time displaces the owner and acquires the deed; An insecure part of humanity who accounts for well over half of the world's population, yet still institutionalizes white supremacy groups, usually in regions most lacking in minorities. Doom, n.- The infinitely patient beneficiary of all human endeavor. Earth, n.- A flying dunghill of schizophrenics aptly located between planets named for the deities of Love and War; An 8000 mile wide Petrie dish of an out of control accident, which is Man. Firing squad,- A military detachment dispatched to burials of statesmen, always three days late. Gallophile, n.- A Frenchman. Hand, n.- A multi-prehensile instrument found at the bottom of the arm and someone else's pocket. It is used chiefly for grasping items and other parts of the anatomy to which its owner is not privy. It has been remarked by anthropologists and zoologists that if Mankind were not issued hands, he would not be the dominative life form on earth. Constantine Apewell, in his Unknown History of the World, tells us of God 2000 millennias after he made Man. After voicing aloud His bemusement at our progress, Mother Nature responded by saying, "Well, you can't say Man didn't have a hand in it," at which the Supreme Being thundered, "Good heavens, woman, you gave him *hands*?!" Innocent, n.- One who is unsuited or unqualified for the wickedness of the world. Jogger, n.- A health fanatic who safely proceeds beside our roadways, as their slow and ponderous progress does not excite the motorist's natural sportive instincts. Knee, n.- The joint of the human leg on which rests the weight of one's body in times of severe disadvantage. Life, n.- That mercifully brief interregnum between Chaos and Oblivion. Man, n.- A rapacious, exploitative scoundrel leaning on the side of self preservation solely in the interests of iniquity. According to Ben Jonson, shortly after he had written his monologue on Man being "the paragon of animals," the Bard, in need of an immediate cathartic antidote, defecated on passersby from the roof of his house at Stratford-on-Avon, much to the impotent chagrin of the mayor. The dominant life form on the planet due to an unfortunate evolutionary accident, Man has proven to be little more than a breeding and proving ground for diseases largely of his making. Intellectually, he is a highly self conscious, self absorbed, collectively autocopraphagous semi-primate incapable of an original idea or emotion; An ecological slumlord. Noah, n.- A biblical figure reviled by misanthropes as a fool who saved Mankind at his most vulnerable time. Constantine Apewell, in The Unknown History of the World, contends that Noah, when pressed for time to choose which humans should be spared, hastily released the inmates of a lunatic asylum, which would greatly edify those who are mystified by our subsequent progress with impunity. Obituary, n.- A notice to all that the deceased is no longer fair game. Poet, n.- "Once, at an airport, loud appeals were made for a doctor. When one pushed through the crowd, he found in situ a poet who was on his way to a reading, who said, 'I'm having a heart attack.' The wouldbe rescuer replied, 'I'm sorry, but I'm a doctor of English literature.' The incredulous poet looked at him, then handed him a manuscript, saying, 'Then tell what you think of my poems, Doc', and died. -Constantine Apewell, The Deaths of the Poets. Quote, v. t.- To make someone look ridiculous in their own words. Reincarnation, n.- An ingenious supernatural way of resuming a career of villainy under an impenetrable alias. Silence, n.- Civilization's first casualty. Take, v. t.- Ant. Relinquish. In any desktop dictionary, one will find well over 100 different definitions and variations on the word "take," as opposed to less than half as many for the word "give," surely the best delineation extant on the human condition. Uncivilized, adj.- Undiseased, unarmed, and unsuspecting. Vox Humana- A pipe organ stop used during pieces of music requiring whining, puling, or whimpering sounds. Wake, n.- The only legitimate excuse for a family reunion; The final confirmation process of one's sudden state of powerlessness. It is often followed by a feast. Xenophobe, n.- One with a perfect dread and distrust of other people, and consequently the one human being with the greatest chance for survival. You, pro.- An accusative pronoun. It is superceded in importance only by the inflative pronouns "me", "myself", "I", and "mine." Zero hour,- The time set for a concession. -From THE MISANTHROPE'S MANUAL Robert Please visit my homepage at http://members.tripod.com/~Sci_Fi_Man/index.html ___________________________________________________________________ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com/getjuno.html or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866]