Date:         Sat, 12 Jul 1997 13:54:44 EDT
From: Fragrant Incense <mbarker@MIT.EDU>
Subject:      FILL: The Truth Behind the Incivil War...

[a bit hurried...please feel free to contribute more to the lore of
the unsung transvestite ballet of yore...]

Many people have been deceived by the lack of attention paid by
historians, both amateur and professional, to the true underlying
cause of the conflict called variously "the Civil War," "the War
between the States," "the War of Aggression by Someone," and other
professions of faith.

I refer, of course, to the little known fact that Mr. Lincoln and his
best generals were closet practitioners of the fine art of
transvestite ballet.  However, due to the pressures of the times,
obtaining cotton balls (or cotton boles, as they were sometimes
referred to at that time) was a rather secretive business, carried out
under cover of darkness and through mysterious railways.

Thus, when the Southern connection (as it was known among the
heavy-footed dancers of that day) broke down, Abe and his friends
could no longer fill out the bosoms of their costumes.  They tried,
they really did, but lacking the outlet of their art, they grew angry
and confused.

I mean, can you imagine these bearded buddies, dressed for a night of
fanciful footwork out in the streets of Washington, all in pink and
taffeta, toes curling in anticipation...but their bosoms were flat?
What frustration they felt!  What humiliation when someone teased
them!  And all for the lack of cotton...

And so they fought--not for money, not for gain, but for better
stuffing in transexual ballet costumes.

Today, we can stand proud that cotton balls are again available in
every corner of this fine land.

So that we can fill out better ballet costumes whenever we want to.

tink