Date: Wed, 15 Oct 1997 09:17:43 EDT From: just tink? Subject: EXERCISE: FILLER: The Rules of De Brawl... I'm going to pull in bits and pieces from several places, probably making a real goulash of this...don't expect the usual spices, I'm trying to hurry. There are little bits along the way that I would appreciate your contribution, either on or off the list, too... [for those who are waiting for a crash of glory, a powerful bolt of light and energy transforming the world, a wonderful twist that will make everything beautiful, now and hereafter...sorry, you just have to keep pedaling up the path with me. and it's hot and sweaty sometimes...but the leaves are pretty right now, aren't they?] Okay. I've had responses from several sides, I've looked through the looking glass (and decided I really ought to shave more carefully, look at that...), yanked a couple of eyelashes out of my eyes, and here's some of my thinking. Sometimes there is a seed of truth hidden in a metaphor. Actually, I'm going to cheat and use more than one, because I want a strong growth here... First seed--sometimes we talk about discussion or debate as a kind of sexual encounter. And in guides to that kind of interaction, one of the concepts is that of the "safe word". This is simply a word that both parties agree means BREAK! And the agreement is that if either (or any, depending on the way you play the game:) of the parties engaged uses the safe word, the action stops then and there--no question, no "oh, I didn't think you really meant it", no delay. Anyway, the seed (or concept) I want to borrow is that of safe words. Second seed--we also talk about discussion or debate as a kind of sport. And part of what every sport has is the concept of the referee (or umpire--the person who watches for problems and stops the game when they happen). So that whistle is a kind of "safe word" imposed by an external party (in theory, an objective party). Here, the seed is that of the whistle, marking time out. One of the amazing parts of being listowner is that sometimes I'm asked to be list cop (which I'm not). I'm often called on to be list judge (again, not a task I really feel up to). And there is this amazing belief that I have some magic wand I can wave to force people to do the right thing. Unfortunately, aside from my myopic difficulties with "the right thing", the wand is pretty limp...heck, I didn't even get batteries with the darn thing... So, I don't think I can wave my magic wand and get everyone to do the right thing. However, I think we (the members of the list) could agree to a safe word or phrase. We could agree that "OFF THE TRACK" or "BREAK THE CYCLE" or "TIME OUT" or "OVER THE LINE" will be recognized as our safe words--if someone puts those in a post (in the subject line), we will all take a deep breath and back off. Admittedly, due to the wonders of networks, there may be some messages in transit at the time someone posts, so we'll have to give each other some slack on stopping, but we shouldn't just keep on running down the track, escalating the cycle. [EXERCISE #1: Question? Which phrase has the most meaning for people here? I think "OVER THE LINE" does it for me, but I'm aware that it may not be the best phrase for all of us--and we really need a phrase that we'll all remember and USE.] What does this mean? Basically, I'm asking everyone to help out. If someone gets into it hot and heavy, and you think the list needs it--send an "OVER THE LINE" message with an explanation of what it means. Not a "let me beat you over the head about being over the line" message, just a simple calm statement that the discussion (not the individuals, but the exchange going on) has gone far enough. Blow that whistle, and declare the end of play. (I was going to mention the baseball being down, but realized that I couldn't remember whether cricket has downs or not, so decided to skip that whole sticky wicket business.) [EXERCISE #2: Hey, writer...how about drafting a model "OVER THE LINE" message now, without the heat and fury of a growing volcanic eruption in the background, so that we can all see what one looks like? Heck, let's agree on a standard message so that people can send it without rubbing extra fiberglass into the raw meat...] And for those of us who may be involved in the next go-around--without prejudice, without saying one more word about who is right or wrong, winning or losing, or any of that stuff--when anyone sends out an "OVER THE LINE" message, STOP. That doesn't mean firing off the last volley of the worst you can come up with (which often is the worst, in several senses of the word) and then proclaiming "OVER THE LINE". It sure as hell doesn't mean seeing an "OVER THE LINE" message and yanking the firing pin one last time, just to clear the last load. It means when you know you are ready to start chewing on the mouse while you put your fingers through the keyboard--send "OVER THE LINE" and take some deep breaths (save that mouse!). If at all possible, go ahead and send "OVER THE LINE" when you see yourself (or the other people in your interaction) headed for the edge of the cliff--cliffhangers may be a fictional mainstay, but they aren't healthy in relationships. (brinkmanship? that's like where you have the ability to destroy the world, and I have the ability to destroy the world, right, and somehow we think mutual assured destruction is a sensible balance of power, instead of simple insanity...wouldn't you rather have a flower for your gun barrel?:-) Incidentally, everyone should also remember the tale of the little boy who cried wolf in regard to sending "OVER THE LINE" messages. I.e., don't misuse the safe words -- they aren't appropriate as a response to a general question, or to just stop a discussion you don't like. Don't yank the emergency cord unless there IS an emergency, okay? And if we all agree to this little bit of social etiquette, then we're also binding ourselves to stop when we get an "OVER THE LINE" message. And if someone doesn't follow the convention (either for when to post one or for how to NOT respond once one is posted)--first, they get a reminder of what the convention is. Second, they get a warning that they must stop NOW. And third--they're off the list. [EXERCISE #3: Two parts: (a) draft that reminder message; and, (b) draft the second warning message. Remember, not confrontational, just cool, calm explanations that this is the accepted social custom here...perhaps a bit of hype about returning to writing, remembering that there is a person behind the pixel screen, and so on, but mostly, quite sincerely, an explanation of the social contract here...] My Summary: Let's try using "safe words" to let each other know that a discussion has reached our personal boiling point (or to let the list know we're itching for a fight, but don't want to get the bar dirty, if you like that one). This means that when somone notifies the list (via a posting with OVER THE LINE in the subject line) that the discussion has exceeded their irritation level, we all agree to STOP that discussion. [EXERCISE #4: hokay? so, what did I say? how about drafting up a short version of this for the FAQ? One that people can understand real easy without a visit from my friend with the tattoo and no tip on his little finger?] I look forward to your questions, comments and reactions...and I do promise to try to respond individually to the private mail I have gotten, but it does take me a while. (about to run out the door to lead a workshop...) tink [Is this censorship? I don't think so. I think this is being responsible for my own productions, and defining a signal which I commit myself to obeying. is paying attention to a red light censorship? no, it's a convention we all follow for our own safety.]