Date: Sat, 1 Nov 1997 10:02:44 EST From: "as I pondered..." Subject: FILLER: A Quote from Creating Love [Fair Warning: Contains moral, perhaps even scene language] From "Creating Love" by John Bradshaw, ISBN 0-553-07510-1 (p. 185) "Believe me, I _want_ to tell you how to love. By telling you how to love I can get the feeling that I grasp what love is. To grasp love frees me from its polarity and depth. I can lull myself and you into a false sense of security. Telling you how to love would be like drinking a glass of wine. It momentarily eases my anxiety about love, my anxious need for control and predictability. But it does not help me find love. I have engaged in how-to advice a lot in my life, and some how-tos will surely slip through the cracks. But I know that whenever I slip into advice, I'm opening the door to mystification. I want you to know that, too." (p. 186) "Having someone else tell us how to love robs us of the very thing we need the most, _our imagination_. And imagination is the way we can truly help others. A good helper _imagines with_ the one he or she is helping. This is the mutuality that grounds our hope. Sometimes we do feel stuck. We do not see any way out. At such times we need help. When we are really helped, we can see something, an alternative, that we hadn't seen before. Someone--a parent, teacher, therapist, friend, fellow worker--has _imagined_ with us and helped us find new images, which give us choices. We will need lots of imagination to find our way through our relationships." "...I believe in motivating others to own the mystery and depth of themselves." "Love is especially paradoxical. No one can tell you how to love. If you listened to them and followed their advice, you would cut yourself off from your own depth and possibility. Every choice we make defines and limits us, but you need to make your own choice, not someone else's." (p. 188) "T. S. Eliot's J. Alfred Prufrock asks, 'Do I dare disturb the universe?' Each new poem, son, work of art disturbs the universe. Each is a being that has never existed before. Love also disturbs the universe. It creates something new, a reality that never existed before." "You have a heart filled with the desire for the Good. You have a soul that will find your way. You have an imagination with which you can create a love that reveres all things, especially the depth and sacredness of every day. You can transform your ordinary life into something full of wonder." _Imagine with_ someone...help us find new images, new choices...give us the imagination we need to find our way through our relationships...honoring our own mystery, depth, and possibilities. And disturb the universe! Create something new. Create love, and transform our ordinary life into something full of wonder. Write. tink