Date: Tue, 25 Feb 1997 04:01:00 -0500 From: Rqymond McDowell Subject: INT: Hillbilly Haven(Chris Vaughan and Catherine Berchtold) When I come 'round the corner onto the town square, they was a cloud o' dust and a confusin' scene. Half the town was a'runnin' aways from the scene of whut 'peared to be a dreadful crime, and the other half wuz crowded round Bertha Mae. That amounts t' ten comin' and ten goin'. And there was Bertha her own self, squirmin' round on the dirt street, squealin' and rollin' back an' forth, with her luscious child-bearin' hips rollin' and squirmin' off by themselfs in th' 'tother direction. Now, that city slicker fella, seein' his one true love in such turmoil, done whut most city folks I knowed woulda done. He was in the group dashin' aways from the scene and headin' out towards the back o' the Dry Goods Store. Welp, I cain't move too fast, but I am a vet'ran of three fueds an' twenty b'ar fights, so's I just took a postion 'side a mulberry bush an' waited for the rascal. Then, when he come high-steppin' past I grabbed that scallywag by his right ear an' he come to a' abrupt halt. "Come with me," I says to him and commenced t' draggin' him back to the Square. About that time, ol' Ma Pidgeon was inna middle of a hysteric-type seizure. She wuz runnin' round in circles, screamin and whinin'. Well, y'all know how softhearted ol' Pa Pidgeon is, and how he cain't stand to see his wimmenfolks git in an uproar. So's ol' Pa done ignored his own wound an' jumped up an' grabbed Ma and hollered at her. >"I'm fine woman! Now get a hold of yerself! We gots to tend to my baby girl!" An' Sherrif Li'l Brick started yellin' fer me t' git over there and he'p and lookin' like he wuz ready to whup Henry Cleatus with a rawhide strap. 'Twas only when I come up with the city slicker anybody even noticed he'd took off. An' now that I had 'im by the scruff o' the neck, he wuz suddenly real he'pful 'bout Bertha Mae's delicate condition--though to hear her cus and holler, you'd a never knowed she was halfway bleedin' t' death. Now Pa, he kinda demanded somebody take Bertha Mae on over to the County Seat so's she could get some real doctorin'. So we packed up Bertha Mae's hips in some salt and put 'em in the slicker's luxury Vega's trunk an' tied up the rest of the girl on the hood o' his car. After the city slicker done took off with Bertha Mae, I took a look at Pa's gunshot wound. Luckily it wuz just a head wound, 'tweren't nothin' to worry 'bout and not near anythin' vital. I just pulled out muh pocket knife, dug out the slug an' wrapped up Pa's haid with the red bandana. It was then that Li'l Brick come up with the idear of what became known in later years as the Legendary Stomp Toe Duel. >The two men(Henry Cleatus and L'il Brick) began to circle each other inna the middle of the dirt street. Tension built near to bursting jist like the pastor's wofe's corst after the spring picnic. Then, all of a sudden, both of 'em raised their heel and aimed for the other fella's toes. Rqy, with quotes from Chris and Catherine(Who can't stand to have any details lost on accounta the limitations of listservs an' such)