Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 17:53:18 -0500 From: Catherine Berchtold Subject: INT: Hillbilly Haven The story thus far: Pa Pidgon done brung home one them wringer washers ta keep=20 his girls in the lap of lux=92ry. All they had ta do wuz haul water=20 up from the creek ta make that miracle machine work. Sheriff=20 Li=92l Brick never seed one before and didn=92t know what in tarnation=20 it wuz and stuck his hand rat between the rollers. Course he done=20 messed up his gun hand. Next thing ya know=92d, Bertha Mae enticed some oiled-up city slicker=20 what smelt funny by wigglin=92 them childbarin=92 hips of hers. She=20 done brung him home ta meet her Ma, Pa and her sister, Daisy Mae. =20 When the men folk up town seed them two together, they got all up=20 in arms and a riot broke out. =20 Sheriff Li=92l Brick give Henry Cleatus his gun in case any shootin=92=20 needed ta be done cuz his gun hand wuz all swelded up. When they=20 got inna town, ol=92 Henry Cleatus turned the gun on Bertha Mae and=20 shot her in the childbarin=92 hips. =20 That oiled-up city slicker came a runnin=92 with his purty, lux=92ry Vega=20 ta take Bertha Mae ta see one of them city kinda doctors. Pa, the=20 blacksmith, a lumberjack and the town boxer hoisted Bertha Mae=20 outta the street but they couldn=92t fit those childbearin=92 hips through= =20 the car door. Turns out, a rat smart fella handed over a length a=20 rope and they done tied her ta the hood of that purty li=92l Vega. After the Vega done drove off down the dirt road, Daisy Mae=20 took a gander at Sheriff Li=92l Brick and her head started ta spinnin=92,=20 palms a sweatin=92, and her gut had an awful ache. The ider hit her=20 that she got ta feelin=92 poorly ever time she took a gander at the=20 Sheriff. She figger he must stink or somethin'.=20 Daisy Mae took off down the road ta tell her friend =91bout her strange=20 ailment. Her friend, Patsy Bell, wuz a rat smart girl. She done went=20 ta some fancy school up in Ohio. Then she come home and started=20 a rat nice moon shine business what made her an anti-panewer. Patsy Bell done told Daisy that her ailment wuz nothin=92 but a soft spot=20 for that ol=92 Sheriff. Daisy Mae said she didn=92t want no soft spot. She= =20 wouldn=92t be 16 year old =91til the potato harvest. Besides, she wanted ta= =20 be an anti-panewer like her friend Patsy. =20 Patsy wuz a wise woman of 19 years and she know=92d how ta=20 tuffin=92 up them soft spots for the fellas. But she wuz gonna be=20 rat surprised when she got a gander of Castle King, the grilled=20 onions manager. He wuz hollerin=92 inna town square, proclaimin=92=20 that he done come ta town a lookin=92 for a woman ta be his Castle=20 Queen. Today=92s story: Daisy Mae and Patsy Bell went inna town ta do a li=92l shoppin=92 when=20 they done heard a awful squallin=92 comin=92 from the town square. It=20 wuz some new fella who wuz a snazzy dresser. He done had on=20 chocolate polyester pants, brown and white checked shirt and his=20 name tag wuz as white as angle wings. The ol=92 fool wuz a shoutin=92, "I=92m the new stranger in town but some=20 of you might have heard of me. I am the grilled onions manager at=20 one of the finest dinning restaurants in the area, White Castle. I=92m=20 known as far up north as Michigan. I=92m the Castle King and I aim=20 ta find me a woman." Daisy Mae rolled her eyes, looked over at her friend and found her=20 all bent over, clutchin=92 her gut and she done lost her supper inna=20 middle of the street. Daisy Mae got scared and hollered, "You done got it rat bad! You=20 got a hankerin=92 for that new crazy fella!" =20 Just then, Sheriff Li=92l Brick come a runnin=92 inna center of town=20 ta see what in tarnation the ruckus wuz. When Daisy got a gander=20 of him, she snapped in two quicker than a dry twig and started=20 clutchin=92 at her gut. She know=92d she=92d best get on home or else=20 she=92d loose her supper rat along side Patsy. All bent over like, she=20 run off ta home. When Daisy got ta the edge of town, she spotted another stranger. =20 He wuz leanin=92 on the wall of the dry goods store. He wuz watchin=92=20 ever thing what wuz goin=92 on. =20 A li=92l boy run up to the new stranger and asked, "What=92s your name,=20 Mister and what are you doin=92 in town?" The stranger said, "My name=92s Jimmy Dean and I=92m=85=85" But Daisy couldn=92t take it no more. She had ta get away from town=20 and quick. So she high tailed it down the road just as fast as her bare=20 feet could take her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Just cuz I'm paranoid, don't mean they ain't out to get me! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~