Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 23:51:14 -0400 From: Colin Principe Subject: INT: Writer's Party - Colin considers the invitation Colin finished reading the invitation and considered his options carefully. He definitely needed a vacation - the 50 hour work weeks were beginning to wear on him. However, the idea of a clothing optional party rather frightened him - he did not have a very positive self image since falling off his diet a month ago. In addition, his experience with Phanny's hospitality had not been the stuff of little 10-minute segments on the Travel Channel - > > The small turboprop plane lowered its landing gear and tilted its wings in preparation for landing. It speedily approached the tarmac, but at the last second, veered upwards again in a roar of its engines. As the lone passenger on the aircraft, Colin walked up through the passenger compartment to have a few words with the pilot. After all, the pilot had felt free to spend the 45 minutes they had been waiting for takeoff clearance in Atlanta to relate most of his sordid autobiography to his passenger, including a rather interesting plan to combine his aircraft services with an escort service. > "For Christ's sake, I've been in this thing you call an airplane long enough," Colin yelled rather testily over the sound of the engines. "Have you forgotten how to land?" > "There's monkeys all over the damn runway,"yelled the pilot. Upon this response, Colin severely regretted that he had been tight with his wallet when choosing his air carrier. Obviously the pilot was either insane or severely stoned. Then, as the plane banked sharply, he did indeed see the runway covered with primates of some sort, looking oddly like intern auditors. > "Buzz them," Colin said, matter-of-factly. > "WHAT?" > "Oh come on, not close enough to hurt them or anything, just low enough to make some noise and scare them off." > "I don't have insurance for this kind of stuff." > "Neither do I. Come on, I need to make happy hour." > The pilot, faced with the prospect of indefinitely circling the small island and dropping into the waves, brought the plane in low in true crop-duster style. Hundreds of monkeys scattered in panic, and the pilot quickly banked again and brought the plane down in a series of short hops. The door quickly popped open and Colin jumped out quickly, toting a battered portfolio and an old suitcase. > The cab ride in to the resort hotel was surprisingly trouble free, except for the fact that the driver seemed to speak a great deal about an interesting pyramid scheme he had discovered and could let Colin in on for free if the cabbie could only take a look at the computer bulging out of the briefcase at Colin's side. Colin's response was to reach inside the linen jacket he had bought at a J. Crew clearance sale and snarl "I don't share my hardware." > Once he entered the cool main room of the lodge, Colin breathed a sigh of relief. He could settle into his room, enjoy a few drinks in the lounge, and develop his plan. Just as he placed his bag down, a man's voice boomed out from behind the counter. > "WELCOME, SIR, TO PHANNY'S PHABULOUS PHAR-REACHES RESORT!" > Colin turned to see the form of Oglum Petard Boomp spreading open the guest registry and smiling warmly. > "What did you say?" > "I SAID . . . " > "Please don't shout. This is the main room of a resort lodge, not a cathedral." > "Sorry. I said welcome to Phanny's Phabulous Phar-Reaches Resort." > "I don't understand. Why do you spell it with a PH?" > "It was spelled that way on my application." > Colin picked up the pen and signed the registry. "Do you have something close to the bar?" > "Errr...of course, Mr.....Prinkippy....Principal....Mr. Colin. We're having dinner early tonight, if you want to join us in the restaurant." Boomp paused to beam gleefully. "We're having meat pies." > "Can I ask you a question?" > Boomp grinned. "SURE!" > "Have you seen anyone around here who could be described as . . . how should I say . . . unusual." > Boomp stared blankly at Colin for a long moment, and then said "No." > "All right then, I'm going to the bar. Please have someone take my suitcase to my room." > Colin headed straight for the lounge and then paused for a moment, looking over his shoulder. "Hey, you!" > Boomp paused in the middle of preparing to bellow up the staircase. "What?" > "Don't give my suitcase to one of the auditors." > "It'll cost ya extra." > "Put it on my tab." > Boomp smiled and rubbed his hands together. Colin sighed and walked the rest of the way into the bar. > The bartender regarded him with a cold stare. "What can I get you?" > "What's the house specialty?" > "Phrangelico." > "I think I'll have a CC and Coke." > The bartender quickly and effortlessly poured the drink and set the glass down in front of Colin. > "Thanks. How much do I owe you?" > "It could be free if you just answer me one question." > "Anything if it means a free drink." > "Are you a primatologist?" > "Errrr....no?" > "Then it'll be $5.50." > "WHY?" > "Sir, only two people come to this island. Primatologists and auditors. I only like primatologists." > "That's rather arbitrary, don't you think?" > "Yes it is." The bartender walked away and began to polish the clean glasses at the end of the bar in a surly manner. > After careful consideration of the possibilities, Colin decided to make a break for it. He immediately packed a small bag and left for the nearest transporter pad. ***************************************************************************** But I really must admit that I am Glad that I am living There were times that I would pray To God and ask that I was not And I've learned that taking really isn't Half of what is giving And the secret to your wonder is The oneness in your soul - Cowboy Mouth, "So Sad" Colin Principe cprincipe@ilinks.net www.ilinks.net/~st.jon ****************************************************************************